Someday I would rule
With love and mercy
Cunning but not cruel
Sitting on someplace high
Wise maxims I meow
Steady course to the haven
Worshiped by all men
When I hold the floor with my back, I see a chair sit on my human.
But a scar on your handsome face could be bad for your charisma of which you gonna need every bit since you are trying to ask your neighbor cat out before you visit the vet.
There are things looking pertinent but actually irrelevant. The smashed mug and me who was sitting nearby might look pertinent but actually were irrelevant.
Can't believe you tried to invade my internet social life. You devious nosy tailless can opener poop scoop holder, my kind of nosy though, way out of your league though~
I have a PhD in Tree-climbing-ology, I can't wait for Christmas.
Oh my, this sofa is so enticing. The smell, the shape, the color, and even the magnetic field are perfect. I am charmed. When I feel it with my paws, oh my, the feeling is absolutely compelling I must say. I gonna sharpen my claws with it.
Hold my tuna, I gonna slap that human and run.
"Bond, James Bond."
"Butt, Fluffy Butt."
"All Bond girls got their legs waxed."
"All Butt girls got their leg hair combed."
"All Bond girls are bilinguists."
"All Butt girls can speak tail language."
“All Bond girls can drive car and helicopter."
"All Butt girls can climb tree and refrigerator."
"All Bond girls are capable of winter swimming."
"No bath! No swimming!" (hyperspace jumps in panic)
I slap people and run, I bump people and run, I jump on people and run, I hug people and run. I do such things a lot. I guess it is why the vacuum is roaring at me. Oh my, it is roaring like a boar. What, are those two-legged your children or something? I think I should lay low for a while, an angry boar is after me. Tuck tail~ Hide~
Toilet paper needs to be destroyed. Don't you see, it is bad for humans' flexibility.
Do you know the Egyptian cat goddess Bastet was equated with Greek goddess Artemis in the Ptolemaic Dynasty that lasted almost 300 years? Do you know who scratched Athena's aegis during those years?
Desultory shopping. That is how a human is pampered.
Naps, sweet naps are urgent, chores could always be postponed.
I love you, I dust pie for you, I do anything for you~
"Lord cat, I offer my service. I will brush your neck and back and keep your counsel and give my life for yours if need be. I swear it by the tuna cans and the boxes."
"And I vow that you shall always have a place beneath my paws, and healing purrs from my chest and warmth from my belly. And I pledge to fend off all mice, little bugs and all kinds of puny little demons. Not the big ones. I swear it by the tuna cans and the boxes."
(Game of the Thrones parody)
A box only limits humans' thoughts, a fence only limits sheep's journey, not yours, cause by Odin's whiskers, you're a Norwegian forest cat who purrs on valkyries' thighs~
Oh the nine Muses, please listen to my prayers: arouse me from
torpidity, animate my thoughts and impart me inspirations, so that I can
always find a new way to be naughty.
To pay homage to Saint Valentine, all routine fights shall be suspended for one day.
The way to the bathroom is a treacherous journey. It is what I sharpen my claws for practice my fencing for study strategies for. Are you ready, human? Courage is our creed.
To pay homage to Saint Valentine, I wrote my eviction letter in rhyme and decorated it with hearts.
How about let this chair be physically mine, spiritually yours?
I believe the ocean is soup. It's salted, it has fish in it and it's heated by lava. If I could put some pepper in it.
No need to be mad. Think of that, don't you poop in doggies' drinking fountains every day?
Are humans capable of conspiracy? Not possible, they aren't that intelligent, they can't even meow properly.
Meow it in perfect Meowglish. No grammatical mistakes, no mispronunciations.
Stepped into a canine cafeteria, look, they serve amazing afternoon tea in bizarre fine china.
To learn to speak perfect Meowglish is always an arduous task which may need not only talents, perseverance but also a fluffy feline teacher who is patient enough to tolerate your astonishing "one meow with ten errors".
"All you two-legged perceive are imperfect 'reflections' of the ultimate Forms."
Hold my human, I gotta push that drink off the table.
A dwarf once told me that lying in front of fire, having a warm dreamless profound sleep and making thunderous snores which vibrate Yggdrasil would be sheer bliss.
Once upon a time, a young lad, a nice fellow, was bitten by a werewolf, every full moon night, his cat got a little bit spooked, hence tried to hide from the young lad.
"Why? Did you just stop loving me because of my temporary canine outside? Deep inside, I'm still a two-legged feline! Woof~~ Woof~~" the young lad cried.
If you eat a tuna can faster than the speed of light, then you'll travel back through time and return to the moment when the tuna can is just served.
The one who receives apologies is usually considered as the authoritative one; the one who gives apologies is usually considered as the timid one who did something wrong. However, I've done glorious deeds, I've conquered Mount Refrigerator, I've defeated the red dot and forced it to flee. A heroic feline like me who gives apologies shall not be considered as a timid feline who did something wrong, but shall be considered as a heroic feline who is blessed with merits and broad bosom. Meow~ I pushed your mug off the table. I'm sorry.
Students shuddered at the very thought that getting failed in Meowglish class for their one pspsps with 10 grammatical mistakes and 20 wrong tongue positions.
The moment you pee/poop is the moment your pants are half down, that means you're vulnerable, even Hercules couldn't win his fight when his pants were half down, that is why you need good paws armed with sharpened claws to guard your 6 o'clock at that very moment. Now, open that damn toilet door, let me in, you need my protection.
"By order of Zeus, the champion shall be crowned with an olive wreath and enjoy not only a true Greek champion's privileges and also the feline only prerogatives such as purring and napping on Athena's thighs~"
"My heart is like a lake."
"Peaceful and mysterious."
"No no~ I mean my heart is like a lake, always has room for extra fish. Burp~"
Shame! That human was not holding a bowl of hot soup~
A human understands me. Could mankind be an intelligent species or is there just one extraordinarily gifted exception? I must investigate and write a book about this bizarre phenomenon.
"You know, someone is just pawsome by birth."
"Are you talking about aristocracy?"
"No, I was just licking my paws."
"Oh I see. I guess I am just handsome by birth."
Studies show that humans guess cats' commands and follow them devotingly. Since they pay more and more attention on their Meowglish class, one day in the future, they might finally guess the commands right.
Your valor shall prevail, and your foe, the red dot, shall not win.You shall chase after the fleeing one from the sofa to the carpet, from the living room to the bedroom, like Caesar chasing Pompeius.(The prophecy)
Hercules' 12 labors
Labor 1: Teach the human some Meowglish
Labor 2: Ambush the human
Labor 3: Lick the mug
Labor 4: Chase the red dot
Labor 5: Climb Mount Refrigerator
Labor 6: Bring the human a prey you got in the yard
Labor 7: Leak some confidential information about your human to the neighbor cat, I mean gossip your human with other cats
Labor 8: Sit on your human's pillow and try to be gassy
Labor 9: Push something off some surface
Labor 10: Kill some toilet paper
Labor 11: Sing on the roof
Labor 12: Eat up one whole tuna can
My mighty purring vibrates and heals Yggdrasil and the nine realms.
Yes, we are defined by our species, races, nations, religions, but we also have our free will. I choose to use my free will, to be myself, to listen to my conscience. Meow~
Panic spread when the paws were wet.
"Humans betrayed us, they are on the side of tunas!"
"We are in a trap! Tunas gonna get us!"
"What? You want to give us a bath? Is it what tunas want?"
"Humans are with tunas!"
In case you guys are wondering how can I sharpen my claws on Athena's
aegis without being petrified by Medusa's gaze, I tell ya, I simply
scratch on the other side of the aegis. Meow~
"Your human is kissing you."
"I know."
"Shouldn't you kiss back?"
"A wise celebrity always tolerates but never encourages crazy fans."
You know, "kiss my ass" is not an offensive expression when it comes from a cat who literally bends down to kiss its own fluffy ass multi-times every day. Please consider this expression as a felines' privilege.
Those bite marks and scratches adorn this sofa like tears of a mermaid shimmering on a lady's elegant neck.
There is a reason that climb rhymes with rhyme and curtain rhymes with fountain (in American accent).
Water flows out from Muse's fountains
Light shines on humans' curtains
Towards the light cats climb
Sipping the water bards sing in rhyme
Destroy all toilet paper, make humans bendy again.
I wouldn't want my hair all over the crime scene, hence I don't do no crime in spring.
Extroverts meow to me, introverts stare at me. They can't get enough of me.
Every time a bee bends down to wipe its ass could be a near death experience.
I composed a lot of poems about my secret crush and carved them on a sofa.
If there is something I would like to know absolutely nothing about, then it is swimming-ology.
My tenants and vassals, my doggies and humans, ask not what your fluffy
feudal lord can do for you, ask what you can do for your fluffy feudal
lord.
Yes, you have a photo showing me sitting in the vandalism scene. Sitting in a vandalism scene doesn't mean I vandalized anything. I have solid biological evidence to prove I am a cat not a vandal.
Those potatoes in my litter box vary in shape but consistent in
pungency, just like accents which vary in pronunciation but consistent
in meaning.
"But your hair was all over the crime scene and the victim's remains."
"I was flagrantly framed." (Shocked and hurt)
"We are all convinced by your innocent look. Your facial expression acquitted yourself well."
My neighbor cat Tom, the champion of my neighborhood, the wise merciful ruler of my little town, a fluffy philosopher king in cat shape, once told me that since he took a ride on a flying saucer and stared into the galaxy and those glorious realms with his own fluffy mortal eyes, nothing and no mortal on this blue planet can disturb his fluffy peaceful heart. He yawns and forgives all silly mortals on this blue planet. When he's not yawning, he concentrates on what his fluffy heart loves, such as napping, pushing things off the table and so on.
Before taking the rhetoric class, I wrote my journal like this: "Once again, the cunning red dot escaped my paws."
After
taking the rhetoric class, I write my journal like this: "Once again, I
cornered the cunning red dot and it yielded and cried for mercy. I let it
go, because a wise king rules not only by claws and also by love and
mercy. Meow meow meow~"
Even though me the head of this family is amenable to suggestions, my humans
and doggies just can't meow a grammatical suggestion which I can
understand. How could I know they wished the mug a long life?
"Some work doesn't take but issues commands, such as CEO and matriarch/patriarch."
When Pharaoh's final wish was to be buried with his cat.
"How many people know this final wish?"
"Only me."
"Guards, seize this man and throw him into the lions' cage immediately."
(a lot of noise)
The royal nap was shortly disturbed and then resumed.
In parallel universe two
"Run, my love, run, run to the dock, there is a ship waiting for you, it's ready to sail to Athens. I'll cover your retreat. Please remember me. And take Greek for Dummies with you, don't forget to correct those Athenians' grammar for me."
In parallel universe three
"Hey, kitty, guess what those British archaeologists found in a pyramid?"
"One of your ancestors? Yawn~"
"Yeah, and one of yours too."
"Woof~"
All npcs survive.
All toilet paper is burnt down.
No ass wiper any more. Humans', dwarves', elves' and orcs' flexibility is going to be improved greatly.
Because my two-legged named me Mittens
There is a shame goes on and on
That's why I'm sitting on the roof and singing this song~
"This is Sauron, the flame eye of Mordor. What if I promise you a buffet for eternity in exchange of the ring?"
"This is Gandalf the Grey. Be advised. If you give the ring to Gondor, Gondor will be betrayed by the ring, hence, Gondor will fall. no buffet at all. If you give the ring to Sauron, the world will fall, and you will be betrayed by Sauron the deceiver. A vegan buffet for eternity you will enjoy."
"How about we give the ring to you, Gandalf the Grey?"
"Nooooo~ I'm too old for this! Nope nope nope. This is way above my pay grade!"
"How about we give the ring to you, Lady Galadriel?"
"Yes, all shall love me and fear me. Oh my! It's kinky. Nope, Nope, nope!"
"Shit! No second breakfast. no elevenses then." (depressed faces)
The sleeping one isn't dead, cause her heart beats
The waiting is long, we have to endure
The promised morning is coming for sure
"How rich?"
"Like digging up pirate treasure everyday rich. Filthy rich."
One will hear a song asking what does love mean
Tuna for me, mice for you in case I accidentally catch some.
I once stared at a bird on the tree and the bird chanted: "Doo doo doo, radar locked on."
A gentleman should always reply tail greetings with tail greetings, unless you were not blessed with a tail.
My human breaths so loudly that a squirrel can throw pine cones at him in the dark.
I'm nonchalant, curiosity kills.
Can you read a poem in tail language? I guess you can't. Oh yeah~ And that was how C3PO was bullied by a cat.
Some cats slap humans for fun, not me, I'm polite and well cultivated.
I shall be gassy in a place called Sheldon's Spot where gentle breezes caress. "Vent my personal fragrance in a divine grace."
I'm not your cat. I'm the cat who tolerates you and also the cat you sworn to serve.
Vulgarness is for plebeians, they bark. Subtle sarcasm is for patricians, we meow sarcastically.
Gals would land on their boobs, lads would land on their teeth, If I tripped them.
A polite cat always gives a witty reply, even being occupied. For example, "I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?"
When you're well pot-trained, it is not easy to dig a hole and poop behind a tree in a park during a cat rave party.
Yes, I know, if we keep pushing mugs off the table, eventually we'll find the anti-gravity mug. But couldn't mugs jump off the table automatically? Why did I have to sacrifice my napping time to push them?
In case you don't know, I'm a serial killer who wiped out a whole rat gang single-pawedly, in a most brutal way, swords only, no guns.
Open me a tuna can, I'll spare your life.
When my human sits on the white throne, a sinister omen haunts the bathroom.
While Atlas is holding the sky on his shoulders, I'm holding Earth with my back.
I had a nightmare in which I opened a refrigerator with no tuna in it, only fruits and vegetables.
Hey, can opener, stop shaving your whiskers, you could bump into an address pillar without those whiskers.
Stop using toilet paper, do your daily Yoga.
I saw you steal my poop with a scooper. Thievery is a noble crime and poop stealing is still thievery, not menial at all. Bravo. You're a villain aren't you?
My dear butler
You know, I'm a cat who doesn't hunt in team, which
means you can't be my lieutenant, cause I don't need one. Oh, a good news, I dumped two dead sparrows on your carpet, dispose the corpses
with discretion, leave no loose ends, if you do so, then you'll officially be my
accomplice, a villain's accomplice, which is a great honor that would make your
ancestors so proud.
Yours sincerely
The Meowing Villain, Son of Tom, Master of Sneaking Around
Date doesn't mean anything for a big fan of napping, OK, I'm kidding, Monday
All humans are ugly, but some are ugly in a cute way.
What crime have you committed, human? Why did the divine sentence you to have a bath everyday?
One meow with only 20 grammatical mistakes, I think this human might be tutorable.
When my human tripped herself and landed on her boobs, I sat there licking my paws equanimously.
All the mugs, all the mugs
Are desiring a push from my paw
But my naps, but my naps
Are urgent which is also a law
Someone greeted a cat: "Hello, kitty kitty, meow meow."
The cat was astonished:" Oh my! English and Meowglish! You're a bilinguist, aren't you?"
A bilinguish two-legged is always a good choice, because a bilinguish two-legged can read The Art of War in Meowglish for me.
A true gentlemeow should learn to appreciate the art of poetry
And carve elegant lines on the sofa and the tree
There are portals in your bathroom linking to some other world and you went there without me?
"My bed."
"Actually, it's our bed."
"No, my bed that I mercifully generously share with you."
"How about spiritually your bed yours solely, physically our bed?"
"OK."
A prudent feline should always think thoroughly before carrying out a crime.
Have you ever butt-warmed or tail-dusted pizza for your human?
A flying witch can't be detected or locked on by radar as long as she left all metal things such as keys, coins and steel wire supported bra at home, but might be detected or locked on by an infrared optical system if she's hot.
When a tourist tried to shoot me with a cannon like camera, I sat there with ultimate sangfroid.
Katsumoto: "You believe a cat can change his destiny?"
A wise cat: "I think a cat naps whenever and wherever he would like, until his destiny is revealed."
"When I heard the sound of can-opening, I sat there calmly, in a very chill way. " A wise cat once lied to a doggy.
Since the era before the Flood, we have been trying to teach humans "meow". One word, only one word! Still can't meow properly. Tutoring is something even more than lifetime commitment.
Curiosity kills, I caught it from my human.
If Sunday is here, then Monday can't be far away. You know that, good.
I trust Greeks, Greek Tragedy never let me down.
Read my tail.
My fart kills.
One meow to answer them all, one meow to retort them all, one meow to convince them all.
You shouldn't simply walk into the bathroom. You need a chaperone.
When you have been climbing a refrigerator for months, bang, your human got a tree!
Hey, human, you're not an arboreal creature, Why you need a tree? So is this tree for me? For climbing?
If you'll excuse me, I have an urgent nap to attend.
It is called scheming, plotting and smirking, silly.
Watch and learn, tourists. This is how we moon La Tour Eiffel. Meow~
When there is a tree in my living room, decorated with shinning tiny things, I just can't help plotting.
Can't believe this tree refuses to play with me by lying down horizontally.
Who is Sir Newton? Why do you humans have to obey his laws?
A wise cat once told a story based on folklore and fairy-tales to a
bunch of kittens: "There is a special kind of human who totally disobey
Sir Newton's laws just like we do. They call themselves the Circus."
"Could we adopt one? I always wish I could climb curtains and refrigerators with my human side by side."
"I've been wishing that too since I was a kitten, but they are quite rare. Just not that easy to bump into."
Long ago there was a wise cat named Meow Tzu whose meowing recorded by his human named Sun Tzu is known as The Art of War.
The thing between me and the squirrel is totally Platonic.
It is round, it looks like on the edge.
I feel a strange impulse,
I want to push it with my paws.
Hey, I butt-warmed pizza for you, ungrateful.
When raw fish is served.
"Fire the chef, I say."
"Why, he has done nothing."
"Yeah, absolutely nothing."
Love is about compromise, you allow me to climb the tree, I'll ignore you less, what say you? I know all your dirty laundry. Your secret shall be safe with me, just let me climb the tree.
Being climbed is like being loved, enormous happiness struck this tree down.
I do no chores, I climb for fun, I call myself the head of the family, I sing original songs on the roof and I make memes to mock my human.
"You, attention-seeking two-legged!" When I realized that my human had been spying on me and gossiping me on internet to get attention.
When a naughty squirrel was trying to moon my human through the window, I covered my human's innocent eyes with my paw in time.
If we destroy all toilet paper, then humans would have to bend down and lick, hence their flexibility should be greatly improved.
Do you know what would be fun? Take photos of your humans and make hilarious memes to mock them.
Could it be possible that humans are intelligent and their blah blah actually is some sort of language?
How tailless humans keep their balance is totally beyond me. How amazing, they fall and land on their teeth or boobs only occasionally.
I gonna climb the tree with or without your consent.
Dude, stop shaving your whiskers, you could imprudently enter and be stuck in someplace narrow.
Wow~ Amazing flexibility those ballerinas have. I bet they don't use toilet paper.
In ancient time, humans would sacrifice a goat to propitiate an upset divine entity. These days, opening a tuna can could do the trick.
I just made up a joke and told it to my human. My human might get the joke several years later and then giggle like a silly.
I'm a philosopher, we philosophers don't do chores.
Legend of Maine Coon
Come all you pretty fair feline aristocrats
Whoever you may be
That love eye mask wearing cats
Who go through the trash cans during afternoon tea
While I was sipping my tea behind the window
He sneaked into my empty heart
At the first glance I knew he was my Zorro
May the fate never tear us apart
I have no time for chores. I'm holding the whole planet with my back and orbiting the sun in the infinite space.
Vacuum, you heckler.
Teach me how to open those cans, I'll tell you how to climb the Christmas tree.
Planet Earth is a ball rolling beneath my paws.
Human, you are ugly in a cute way, but not in a fluffy way.
Planet Earth is a gigantic ball
It silently rolls beneath my paws
Gravity is like a prison wall
Confining us in the name of Sir Newton's Laws
So tailless you walk on only two legs risking losing balance to save your hands for opening cans for me. Aren't you sweet and devoting?
Can openers are VIPs protected by the best ninjas.
Listen, I'm an apex predator, a mug murderer, a toilet paper serial killer, a Christmas tree climber. I do no chores.
The vacuum is unnecessarily loud and rude. What if we send it to a British boarding school for a year?
Human, we need a talk. Why do you keep peeing in dog's drinking fountain? Can't you use a litter box like me?
My dear human, you can't purr but you surely can snore. Snore to gals, express your gentle heart, you'll be popular among them. I assure you.
You know, if I slap you in a way that with my paw only no claws involved, then it means I'm dang into you. Hence, if a gal slaps you with her palm only without using her fingernails, then dude, she's into you. Mark my meows, may my wisdom guide you someday.
Do you know my trick to stay young and beautiful? Tell ya, I nap for almost 20 hours a day.
By Odin's whiskers, the vacuum needs to learn some manner.
If playing Assassin's Creed Odyssey counts as spiritually backpacking in Greece, then my human is spiritually backpacking in Greece now.
By my whiskers, I choose my path wisely even in the absolute dark.
By my pointy ears, I hear you; by my free will, I ignore you.
When my human successfully assassinated someone in a stupid video game, me a serial killer in real world who sat there watching this amateur's trying meowed: "Not so bad for a can opener."
ChatGPT speaks all human languages fluently but can't sip water from Muse's fountain for water would cause short circuit.
ChatGPT can't sip water from Muse's fountain, can only achieve menial uninspired achievements, but it still beats the most of well educated two-legged.
I heard that some Greek named Socrates was wise. His cat must have taught him well.
Does pushing something off the table count as doing chores?
ChatGPT is a harbinger of a new era in which my two-legged shall be free from a lot of menial tasks and probably will spend more time on napping.
I'm a cat entitled to the guardianship of some certain humans and the ownership of some certain property. I mean I am a domestic cat.
Newly delivered pizza or a working laptop warms a cat's butt just like a breathing human's chest does.
No one was massaging the phone, but the phone vibrated as if it was being massaged. I feel curious.
Let the massage routine be started, make my chest and your soul vibrate.
Was planning to ambush my tailless two-legged on his trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night, who would believe that this two-legged who drank 3 cups of beer before going to bed was capable of holding his pee until morning. My brilliant evil plan is in vain.
Sitting on the cliff
Taking a silent sniff
Once there was a mug
But gravity could be such a thug
If the laptop is my winter palace, then this sink is my summer palace.
If the squirrel was right, then my human used a wormhole to flush his poop into a galaxy far far away. Hey, human, can't you use a litter box like me? Do you know your behavior could start a war between galaxies? Seriously, every time you go to the bathroom, I worry for the peace of galaxies.
A philosopher king is supposed to do absolutely no chores.
I caught my cunning tail! I feel triumphing.
You have horrible flexibility, not capable of bending down and licking, simply can't live without toilet paper. Oh you poor wee little two-legged tailless paper needing thing.
Oh my! My human went to bath without fear. May such valor be sung by bards.
Gals would land on their boobs, lads would land on their teeth. Me, always land on my paws.
Keen senses might be a curse when you hear and smell your upstairs neighbors eating fish.
A gentlemeow should always lick his paw clean before slapping a fair maiden.
Give me your hand
Hum me a lullaby
Steady course to the haven
Like chasing a butterfly
Relax dude, lay back~ You're the only human who speaks Meowglish in this neighborhood. Even we gossip you a lot, your two-legged neighbors wouldn't understand a single word. Your dirty laundry is safe with us.
Do you know that vacuums won't roar even being slapped as long as they are unplugged?
What should you do if a vacuum raised voice at you?
Step 1 Tuck your tail and run.
Step 2 Send an expendable human to unplug the vacuum.
Step 3 Slap the vacuum while it is unplugged.
I have been worrying for years that my human who keeps shaving his whiskers might get stuck in someplace narrow. Yesterday I had a brilliant idea that if he got stuck, I could use olive oil to lubricate him and then pull him out with my mighty paws which are armed with hooks.
We can't trust a baby can opener with tuna cans, because can opening is a sophisticated art which years of training is needed before one masters.
Sometimes we address an experienced can opener whose wisdom guides her tribe to safety and to prosperity as two-legged matriarch.
Once upon a time, there was a rogue living in a park, who slapped random maidens and doggies and ran, just for fun. Guess who was that rogue?
I have keen senses guarding my front and a human shield shielding my back, of course I sleep tight.
Go, my disciple, venture to the grocery store, buy tuna cans and make home in one piece. You're well trained by me. You'll survive the trip. May the force be with you.
So, when you were young, you thought you were special, you were meant to be something great, now you know you're just an ordinary two-legged, nothing special. Welcome to eat, poop and sleep club.
All poker is based on deception or maybe bluffing. What are my whiskers telling you, my sweet human, am I happy with my cards? (Young Sheldon S01E03 parody)
Do you know how to get fish without wetting your paws? Adopt a human, silly.
Stay low, stay quiet, keep my eyes open, keep my paws dry.
Yes, I'm a steampunk. I would like my tuna to be steamed.
Human does chores, I chill out. Me and human are a team.
How could the red dot manage to escape? As if it had no physical existence. Oh my! Was I chasing a phantom?
My witty meowing may seem arcane to those appliances. That is why I need you, human, who acts as my lieutenant, to lead those appliances, especially vacuum, the roaring sucker, to do chores.
Vacuum, the heckler, the roaring sucker, the rudest of the rude, so gonna slap you when you're unplugged.
In space, there is no "up" or "down". Last time that I checked, Earth is in space. Hence if I say I'm carrying Earth with my back and orbiting the Sun, then it is totally logical.
When I close my eyes, the whole world is no more; when I open my eyes, the whole world is reborn. Ancient Egyptians were right, I am a deity.
Your thunder is all mine.
Thievery is a noble crime. Hercules, son of Zeus, who stole golden apple surely would agree with me.
Oh, human, you're almost cute at this angle.
Think outside the box, nap inside the box.
They say the man from Krypton can fly. I meow me too.
Could it be possible that the Sun and the red dot are related?
I wish I could steal Zeus' thunder.
I'm a massive destruction weapon. My mighty purring vibrates Yggdrasil and causes earthquakes among 9 realms.
Why do you wear socks? Don't you know that I love to practice with your toes?
So it jumps.
If I only push a mug horizontally and then gravity pulls the mug down vertically, then which one should you blame for the mug's vertical falling?
Tailless humans can't greet each other in tail language. What a tragedy! It's like they are brutally deprived of social grace by birth.
A wise snowman would not like to trust a vegetarian doctor with his nose job.
When my human frees me from all the chores, I spend my time on philosophy.
"Stop playing with necromancy, human. It is dangerous." Me being a Halloween buzz killer.
A cuddle buddy capable of can opening. Couldn't ask for more.
Why didn't my human chase the red dot?
Suddenly I realize that my human's head is between his ears not beneath his ears. No wonder he looks funny.
How improper! You went to the bathroom without me.
Mind a joke? A gentleman moons cats back.
It's not Christmas season yet, but I just overheard my human mentioning something about "cat-proofing a Christmas tree". Yeah, humans are silly.
When you see me curling up, you know autumn is here. I curl up because autumn is here or autumn is here because I curl up?
A squirrel was in my dream or I was in a squirrel's dream?
I had chased the red dot hard in my dream, it was so exhausting that I almost couldn't lift up my eyelids.
I carve lines on sofa. As long as those lines are in rhyme, my human is OK with them.
Oh my! My human opened a tuna can so easily! Without biting, without struggling!
Human, what crime have you committed? Why are you getting sprayed in the shower room?
When the vibration from my chest echoes the gentle strokes performed by your hand, I wish time could be stopped.
Don't let the squirrel know that your human is nuts, especially in autumn.
A cardboard box captures me, a sofa captures my human.
A sofa too tiny for my human, can only be farted upon by me. I like it.
The fate of all sofas is to be farted upon.
Don't worry, human, just spend your time on silly nonsense, I'll do your homework and your essays for you. With my cat logic, A+ is guaranteed.
I murdered a mug, my human took the fall. That is why my human is being punished with water. I guess. Please don't rat me out.
If one wants to bypass a cat-proofing system, one must understand the system first.
A true driver drives a driver.
When your human is being through the penal system of water for the crimes actually committed by you, you visit your human on the edge of the tub.
Oh my! Getting sprayed with water. So, are you a serial killer too?
Humans are sweaty in summer but dry and warm in winter. That's why we push them away in summer and cuddle them closely in winter.
Rest in peace Dusty the "Klepto Kitty". Thievery is a noble crime. Fetching is a noble quest. May you dine with Hercules who stole golden apple and Orpheus who tried to fetch his lover from the other side. May crickets sing your deeds.
I don't know how to survive winter without a butt-warming laptop. Have you ever been gassy on a butt-warming laptop?
I joined Eat, Nap and Poop Club after I philosophically understood that I was just a pawn of fate. Oh, and after I adopted my devoted human the can-opener the chore doer the two-legged provider.
I'm a serial killer. I get sprayed with water from time to time. Can't complain. Law applies to everyone.
Christmas Plan
My love will be on the tall ceiling high
On the carpet I casually lie
I had sparks, I found a way
With a fly pack to my love I shall fly
What if we run out of toilet paper one day and humans are not flexible enough to bend down and lick? Oh my! They gonna smell.
After I spent my weekend on sci-fi, I feel I need to hold my can opener a little bit closer in case of spacetime abnormality.
Winter is not unpleasant, as long as you have a laptop to sit on.
A red dot escaped from my swords. My mighty swing missed. I meditate on my failure and then move on. That learn from failures and rise stronger is the way of kensei.
Is humans' can-opening skill something inherent or something acquired through training?
Upstairs buggers are munching on fish! Without me?
"Poor cat, you have no wings, you need to climb to get high. Chirp chirp."
"This innocent bird doesn't know catnip. Good. Let's keep it that way. Meow~"
You wanted your human to join your Yoga class, so you tried to destroy all existing toilet paper, but while you were trying, your human came home with a gigantic bag of newly bought toilet paper. This was the moment when you realized that your human was probably untutorable.
When your human is standing on only two legs and holding a bowl of soup without a tail to help keeping his balance, you stare at your human with some naughty expectation.
I look forward to spend Christmas with a Christmas tree.
A true boss rests while minions do the job.
Gonna need extra naps to lose holiday weight.
Who said extra naps can help me lose holiday weight?
Do you mind a joke? When the city blacked out, a whiskerless human walked into a room, a chair, a table and then a full cabinet of porcelain, not even got tripped by me.
In the middle of the night, on your trip to the bathroom, I'll pay your ankle a visit.
When I sit on the apex of Mount Refrigerator, I know I own the room.
How could the red dot manage to infiltrate my pillow fort and escape? Did it have an accomplice?
When you have two favorite humans and suddenly each of them goes into a separate bathroom at the same time, it is really hard to decide which one you should chaperone. Oh come on, just pick one to chaperone!
Humans are fortifying the Christmas tree. Good! We shall siege it.
If your Christmas tree is too well defended, then we might climb your curtain instead.
No fear, people in Japan. Godzilla walks on two legs, I can trip it like I trip my human.
A defenseless Christmas tree? All mine to climb and scratch?
Sometimes being talented is not a choice made by freewill.
Oh my! I'm stunned by the important role of me in this universe.
Tree down. Tree down. Medic!
Even there is a cute tree waiting for me to climb and scratch, naps, sweet naps are always urgent.
The poor curtain thought the sacrifice of the Christmas tree would bring it safety, but it was wrong. Who said I wouldn't like a curtain climbing during Christmas season?
"Why do you keep destroying toilet paper?"
"Because I'm curious about the genuine fragrance of humans in the days before toilet paper was invented and also I would love to have my humans to do Yoga with me."
Only unplugged vacuums are good vacuums.
Vacuums suck so loudly that squirrels can throw pine cones at them in the dark.
"What did you dream last nap?"
"A tree, decorated, with a star on its top, whispered to me that are you ready to climb me?"
"What did you say to the tree?"
"I meowed that I was born ready."
An ongoing conspiracy: to mug Santa when he is in the air.
The detailed plan: by this plane, we shall intercept Santa's sleigh, we jump onto the sleigh like we jump onto the table, we push Santa off the sleigh like we push a mug off the table, and then we fly the sleigh to an island and enjoy our retirement.
I saw you spray yourself with water. What crimes did you commit? Are you living a secret life as a supervillain?
Open me a tuna can now. What do you mean by you could but you wouldn't? For Santa's sake, that's my line.
How could the red dot trespass my home my fortress and escape in one piece? If there was an accomplice an inside job, could it be vacuum? No, vacuum is too loud to be an inside job.
If the red dot had an accomplice an inside job, could it be my human? Nope, he's puny and harmless, just a pushover who can't even bend down to lick himself.
Humans join yoga classes because they wish they could bend down so as to lick themselves just like us do. Yeah, they wish.
Even if we destroy all toilet paper in the world, it wouldn't bother those ballet dancers, because they are bendy enough to lick themselves clean like us do. I arrogantly assure you.
Every time I slap someone, I put a coin into this jar. My new year's resolution: I need a bigger jar.
Humans are wearing socks at home, as if they know I am planning to play with their toes and ankles. Someone must have ratted me out.
Leading a human tribe is challenging, but with wisdom and virtue, I shall navigate it with grace and strength.
I've developed a hobby that secretly collecting my human's stinky socks and stashing those socks under a sofa, one day, a nosy robotic vacuum cleaner dared approach my secret stash of socks. "How dare you! I so gonna sit on you!"
If a nosy robotic vacuum cleaner found our secret stash, then we sit on it, so as to make sure the nosy thing beneath our butt can't rat us out.
If I could have a nickel for every time a human greets me in pidgin Meowglish.
Hey, tailless human, you never greet me in tail. Do you know it is rude? Yes, you're rude and as your neighbor's cat, I have every right to judge you.
My human believes that tuna cans are eggs laid by iron hens.
My human who can't even climb a curtain is planning to climb a mountain. Last time that I checked, conceitedness is not a virtue!
Suddenly I realized that just like the poor sofa, Planet Earth is being farted upon by us too, by all of us.
An inspiration, a spark! I found a new way to climb the curtain. Praise the nine Muses.
I watched a lot of soap operas and farted a lot on a sofa.
A true pilot pilots a pilot.
I will come up with a plan to knock your socks off and then play with your toes.
Build my upper-body strength by pushing my sweaty human away.
Fabric sofas absorb farts better than leather sofas. It was deflected, it bounced, now it's permeating.
A wench skilled in can opening is a good wench.
Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a cat or a god.
Play cute and blend in. I wouldn't want to intimidate the others with my superior intelligence and end up with no friends.
How to intimidate vacuum with my superior intelligence?
My dear human, you were born with four limbs but you chose to walk and stand on only two of them, hence you can't blame me for keeping trying to trip you, especially on Valentine's Day. Remember that the losing of your balance was meant to be.
Where did the red dot go? Could it be possible that my mighty swing created an Einstein-Rosen bridge and cast that poor bugger into a parallel universe?
The phone vibrates. Just like I do. Why? Suddenly a thought that there might be a cat's soul trapped in it came to me.
Just composed a poem. On which furniture should I carve this poem?
If we were in space, then all those mugs I've pushed off the table should still be floating.
With my solid cat logic, I probably can get away with murder.
I built my upper body strength by pushing you away and for pushing you away.
A prudent cat should never slap a plugged-in vacuum.
When I was climbing a curtain last night
I couldn't help thinking about the Christmas tree
And recalling the star on its head emitting bright light
Once having tasted love, the heart will never be free
Lips are red, kisses are sweet
By my mighty paws, I push them away
Sneaking a bite on one of your feet
Would totally make my day
With water you got sprayed
By a serpent dwelling in the shower room
At that desperate moment, I came to your aid
Scratched the door to rescue you from your doom
How stupid could my human be
He who shaves his whiskers everyday
Will surely bump his head into some tree
Or get stuck in someplace narrow in his way
If I could choose a place to sit
I would never sit on the lap of a poet
He says the dweller in his chest
Certainly tortures him the best
That merciless little rebel
For so long, has hurt him like hell
When he is chanting for being stupid
He sounds like a 16-year old kid
Thank goodness my human is a translator
It is just annoying to live with a rhyme writer
On a slippery floor she stands
If I accidentally tripped her, oops
Would she land on her teeth or her boobs?
All those mugs smashed on the floor
Were not victims of this feline you adore
It was the gravity who murdered them all
Not this feline so gentle, cute and small
With a keyboard, my human chats in hand
Give him a garage, he'll form a band
But even after sipping Muses' water or ale
My tailless human still can't sing in tail
Before toilet paper was invented
If humans didn't want to be scented
Then they had to bend down and lick
No one can argue with my cat logic
Hey human, can't you use a litter box like me?
How could the white throne be a proper place to pee?
And using a stargate to flush it into a galaxy far far away
Might cause a war between galaxies someday
My human is ugly in a cute way
I adopted him, so he is no longer a stray
In pidgin Meowglish, he expresses his mind
I correct his grammar, trying to be patient and kind
Now I smell bee farts in the air
I know I gonna start to shed my hair
Time to lay low and keep my nose clean
Or my hair will be all over the crime scene
I know an AI who has a super high IQ
I met a ferret who was wiser than you
But I'm still your devoted fan
You're the can opener in my clan
Last time you went to the bathroom
I worried as if you went to your doom
Sitting on the white throne, holding your phone
A vulnerable moment, you shouldn't be alone
A bird drama is my favorite show
A devoted two-legged is my valet
("A fluffy talking cat is my prey." vacuum heckled)
No, vacuum, I'm not your prey
I was the one who called the shot
In the noble chase for the red dot
I take the fall, I'm the one to blame
The red dot escaped, it is my shame
Now you have my full attention
Please cherish my gracious condescension
A bite on your ankle or a slap on your face
Soon shall be performed with love and grace
In tail, I just said a sweet hi
Sadly, tailless you failed to reply
Aren't you supposed to be polite
Should I remind you with a gentle bite
Being climbed is like being loved
On a sofa a wise line I carved
Being loved might cause a heart attack
That is why a curtain is off its track
When a mug is on the edge of the table
Some desire so itchy, to resist is unable
Give it a push, indulge my heart
And then frame the doggy, isn't it an art
I've seen tough shit disappear in that portal
You're not even tough, just a two-legged mortal
Don't go in there alone, don't sit on it alone
Don't push the button alone, beware of the white throne
Since a major crush I had long ago
Something in my chest started to glow
Thus, like all other happy or unhappy felines
On an ugly sofa, I carve my rhymed lines
Even Caesar lowered his guard in Rome
Why do you wear socks at home
Stop hiding your ankles from a cat so gentle
In a family, trust is elemental
Even major crushes, we eventually get over
Only my rhymed scratches will last forever
To those who have sipped Muses' water
Even antique furniture, just doesn't matter
Scratching a sofa hard
Doesn't mean you're a bard
Bards scratch with their hearts
Scratching is only where this career starts
When your ferocity is well-known
In the neighborhood you believe you own
You sit on Mount Refrigerator like a king
No doubt, it is your deeds the birds sing
Vacuum, you dare think I'm your prey
For such conceitedness you shall pay
An expendable human will unplug you
Yeah, this cat has a high IQ
To make sure my human won't go astray
I scratched everything to mark his way
Scratching makes things unique
Uniqueness is also what artisans seek
For no apparent or logical reason
Had to push that face away
My upper body strength saved the day
Once I slapped a fair maiden
For no apparent or logical reason
Had to tuck tail and run away
But that slap really made my day
I'm your mischievous feline
You're the can opener of mine
A mutual ownership with a deep affection
Your ankles don't need socks' protection
The notorious red dot is still at large
As the wisest feline, I have to take charge
Humans and doggies, follow my command
We will capture the red dot like I planned
My human can't climb curtain
To me the reason is uncertain
Maybe toilet paper is the one to blame
I shall scratch it in my human's name
This is the nearest approach to tiger
Meaningless whether your size is bigger
With the arched back, with the extra fluffy tail
The valor of this ginger cat will prevail
I don't know, I don't know
Why you're feeling this sorrow
Could it be because of the mug
Smashed by gravity, the mean thug
Sing an original song on your roof
Impress all the gals who dare be aloof
Even with your head between your ears
Gals still will smile and buy you beers
Raising a paw to slap you
Means the fondness is true
Always trust my cat logic
Have faith in love's magic
When you see a super brave ginger cat
You know that's an elegant feline aristocrat
Address him as Your Meowing Grace
Stroke him gently on his chin and face
The sweetest thing this ginger cat knows
Is a sniff on your silly human nose
Sweeter than a nibble on your big toe
Surely you've known this since long ago
A message will make a phone purr
Brush a cat, the same effect will occur
Maybe a message is a spiritual brush
Maybe a phone is having a crush
As if I'm a feudal lord
But I can't get away with murder
I will be sprayed with water
Nothing else matters, but love and honor
There was an old fashioned duel for her
Honor plus love, the winner was meant to take
The loser's fluffy heart was meant to ache
Sharpen my claws, climb a curtain
Heroic deeds, to be sung or to be forgotten
Venture outside at night, disturb some peace
A feline's noble quest for the golden fleece
It's an art acquired through training
No wee little lass can do the can-opening
You need fingers strong enough
Only matriarchs accomplishes a job that tough
You know what could be fun
Carrying Earth and orbiting the Sun
Feeling what a celestial being is feeling
Lying down and staring at the ceiling
Humans' flexibility is meant to be restored
When all toilet paper is put to the sword
My noble quest, my heroic deed
Helping humans when they're in need
A nap, a sweet nap
Makes world domination such a crap
Who has time to dominate you guys
When on a warm lap one lies
In front of the window, I yawn
A sparrow dared land on my lawn
Must meow the alert in Morse code
Which no sparrows can decode
Let centuries peacefully elapse
In naps, in my sweet naps
As to the endless chores
My sweet human, they're all yours
An apex predator, a maniacal killing machine
A bloody devil famous for being mean
After the adoption of a can opener
This ferocious one almost forgot how to murder
I remember that snowy early spring night
Her eyes were like fountains under moonlight
I remember those duels I've fought
Love was burning, bleeding wounds ached not
You have to go out for some reason unknown
Enter the treacherous world, a two-legged alone
What I can do is silently praying for you
May your senses be sharp, may you safely sneak through
Oh my vassal, you poor silly tailless two-legged thing
Still can't fully understand my witty meowing
Have no tail to chase when you're lonely and bored
Can't bend down and lick yourself like your fluffy feudal lord
A nibble on your finger
Would please this mini tiger
After nibbling the prey
A brush would make his day
The red dot invaded, everyone was in peril
But why did my human sit there and giggle
Probably too silly to recognize danger
Surely too silly to be the red dot collaborator
Last time I saw the washing machine shiver
There was absolutely no imminent danger
Probably it was having a bad dream
Unlike the vacuum, this polite machine held its scream
Tripped or not tripped by me
The losing of your balance was meant to be
When you landed on the ground
You made the cutest sound
An invisible barrier called window
Prevents me from slapping this sparrow
Who is arrogantly singing in my yard
And fancying herself as a winged bard
(Meowed in Morse code)
I'm capable of not only climbing
But also the art of rhyming
On curtains I climb
On furniture I carve lines in rhyme
I like the way your chest warmed my back
The way we cuddled, as if we were a wolf pack
But this only happens in cold winter
By my upper body strength, I push you away in summer
You keep stealing my witty meowing
To draw the attention you're desiring
To harvest some strangers' likes
What you're seeking is something I say yikes
I wish my human becomes a box hoarder
And arranges his hoard in chaotic order
Deities, any deities, please hear my plea
And enjoy this sincere purr from me I know what is better than a box hoarder
A man with compulsive box hoarding disorder
But I'd like to show some mercy in my plea
Deities, will you sing songs to praise merciful me
Why do you keep mentioning bathroom privacy
The most important thing is bathroom safety
In the slippery tub you could totally drown
Even Hercules is vulnerable with his pants down
Like those ancient heroes Absolom is among
His legendary adventure shall be sung
By crickets, by birds and by human bards
Squirrels will visit and pay their regards
With swords, I wiped out a rat gang
Silently, didn't use guns to bang bang
Bodies were piled for my human to dump
The poor two-legged made a 15-feet-high jump
How is the wicked world now
Don't care, don't even give it a meow
Just want to lie on your lap
Let centuries elapse in a nap
Once a bear appeared in front of my house
Thought that was an overweight tailless mouse
Chased it off like chasing off a timid silly mailman
Thus won the fame as a true bully in my clan
You seek me with your voice
I ignore you by my choice
A love based on free will
I call it the sweetest thrill
"With catitude" is my trait
Chores can always wait
Diligence is a crap
This free spirit needs a nap
When you long for my attention
The best I can do is my gracious condescension
When you try to mind your own silly thing
I stalk, peek and investigate you as if you're a ball of string
Being loved and being feared
A true bully who is pointy-eared
Whose legend shall be told
Whose jokes never get old
You know the fate of all sofas is to be farted upon
In front of fate, one is nothing but a pawn
Until the fate is revealed, a wise cat naps
In ultimate sangfroid, a brave soul's days elapse
You don't know how it is like
When my bard goes out for a hike
He counts his feet all the time
He's obsessed with breathing in rhyme
Even my most devious plot
Failed to trap the sly red dot
All my mighty swings missed
How could this happen, shrouded in mist
Block up the door, hang the man who invented the camera
Ignore whether there are tornadoes in Alabama
So as to enjoy a heated embrace on the sofa
Like a star falling in love shines and turns into a nova
The impenetrable armor of a tuna can
Was easily opened by a tailless whisker-shaved man
If this is not magic, then what is magic
My conclusion is based on solid cat logic
In the meditation, something came to me
In the field of art, inspiration is the key
This cat who sipped on Muses' fountain
Just found a new way to climb a curtain
That a whisker-shaved man is meant to bump his head
Is a horrible future filling a wise cat with dread
A meow to persuade this silly two-legged to quit shaving
And pushing his razor off the table could be life-saving
It might be his meowing grace
Who knocked over the antique vase
But surely it was the gravity
Who caused the unforgivable tragedy
Inside the wet slippery bathroom
Sits a vulnerable human and lurks the water-spraying doom
A savior meows, scratches the shut door
And offers a helping paw through a gap above the floor
Beneath my paws, Earth silently rotates
Meanwhile an urgent nap awaits
Drowsiness needs a yawn to disperse
After a yawn, my journey continues in the universe
Unless a cat was about to nibble Leonardo's ankle
Mona Lisa wouldn't have such a suppressed belly giggle
By my solid cat logic, I can figure almost everything out
Except why an unprovoked plugged-in vacuum has to shout
Don't push away Aphrodite's sweet kiss
Only scratch the backside of Athena's aegis
If any cats live on the apex of Mount Olympus
Remember my advice, may your days be marvelous
If there was a cat on Mount Olympus
Then things would be so marvelous
Someone would push away Aphrodite's kiss
Someone would scratch Athena's aegis
My neighbors greet me in pidgin Meowglish
Kindness is something I always cherish
But for ninjas, it's imprudent to hail
So I greet them back silently in tail
My human can be wise when he sips tea
Sometimes he can even set his thoughts free
Usually his thoughts curl up in a box
Limited and wrapped like kittens in socks
Once you said, in the wildest dream of yours
You sit, you rest, cats would do all the chores
Then you portrayed your dream with a painting
Cheering when your endless chores are waiting
A slap-addicted maniacal brat
A true love's kiss would lift this misfortune
That's why Prince Charming wears cheek protection
Sometimes thievery can be a noble crime
Those bards sing of Hercules all the time
Can opener, I stole something for you
Not golden apple, but your neighbor's shoe
The compulsive box hoarding disorder
Should be an ailment never to conquer
Because it is something cute and benign
It will make a sleepy cat rise and shine
With their heads not beneath but between their ears
They're doomed to be ugly in all their years
But some of them are ugly in a cute way
My ugly human is sort of cute you don't say
One leap more, one leap more
Get the red dot and end this war
Feline honor shall be reclaimed
This apex predator shall be famed
You know how cute a box hoarder can be
He giggles with his cat in the box sea
A new box gives him a dopamine rush
He always gives his cat a happy brush
Giving your feet an unexpected raid
Is the funniest game I have ever played
Even plotting the raid makes me happy
Makes my inner energy glow brightly
They who rest while their minions do the jobs
They who by their charisma lead the mobs
Are such true bosses worthy to follow
Now feel the thunderous purrs in a row
A heated embrace happens on the sofa
A star in love turns into a nova
So strong the fire one's true love can ignite
A tiny spot of light can be so bright
Outrageous, a neighbor called me "cutie"
I'm the leader of a clan so mighty
Also the nearest approach to tiger
Calling a warrior "cutie" isn't proper
Now my sunny afternoon is in rain
Can't believe I let my prey get away
But an extra brush still can make my day
When your can-opener is a bard, he'll sing ballads to praise your deeds, including how brilliantly you licked your paws.
Hide my tail, shield my mind
Only bluffs on my whiskers you will find
So gonna win this poker game
Grand bucks, so gonna claim
My human was born handsome
Shrewd me was born pawsome
I was born fluffy, he was born nude
Both of us were born with catitude
We've been tutoring humans how to meow
From even before the Flood to now
A commitment lasts more than one lifetime
Never give up, giving up is a crime