别离

人或重利，人或重义

而轻别离

吾人斯世，转如飘蓬

似水流疾，刹那不恒

知身微渺，知器将易

故重别离

My human's big toe

In one autumn evening, not long ago
Fatefully I saw my human's big toe
Indulge itself by breathing on the floor
Like a princess ambling along the shore

Suddenly understood Paris' feeling
The beauty of Helen was appealing
There was nothing could stop Paris or me
Except the vacuum which still makes me flee

Leap of faith to the apple of my eye
After a wiggle I jumped extra high
Let love be in my paws happy and warm
Like a ship in its harbor fears no storm

I heard my human's cheers joyful and loud
I remember the vows of love I meowed

艾吉尔的萨迦

作者：Snorri Sturluson
英译本翻译：Green, W. C. (1893)
汉译本翻译：乔光宇


第一话
早睡狼和他的孩子们

曾有一人名狼，父名狼皮，母名熊女，外公之名亦为狼，号胆包天，娘舅则是海拉夫尼斯塔（今挪威拉姆斯塔，是大西洋岸边的一个峡湾口的小岛。）的熊身巨魔仔，而其娘舅之子则名叫凯特勒·海因。狼生得高大强壮，一时无双，年轻时以出海打劫为业。和他一起打劫的那伙人中有一人，名叫凯利，来自伯德拉（今挪威巴勒岛。），勇名赫赫，是个披着熊皮袄的狂战士。此二人腹心相照，声气相求，为刎颈之交。

后来他俩洗手不再打劫，凯利回了伯德拉，成了一个大富豪。凯利膝下两男一女，一男名艾闻多，号羊羔，另一男名奥维，号驼背，女儿则名叫莎儿彪珂。莎儿彪珂志行高洁、明艳无双，后来嫁给了狼，住在狼家。话说那狼，有鸦飞不过的田宅，有堆积如山的金银，还继承了祖先的男爵爵位（lendr maðr，古代挪威国王卫队成员的爵位，通常视为等同英国爵位中的男爵。），和祖先一样，是个了不起的人物。狼是个勤谨的富家翁，每日家早早起身，先去工人和铁匠那里巡视一番，又去看看庄稼和农田，若有人向他求教，他便指点一二。狼颇有智，样样都懂，总是一语中窍。夜幕降临后，狼就不答理人了，因为狼喜欢早早睡觉。总是这么早就睡了，加上身板雄健如狼，故而众人号之曰：早睡狼。

早睡狼夫妇膝下两男。长男名索洛夫，次男名格里木。索洛夫长相随其母，丰神俊朗，勇敢过人，相处常使人忘忧，为人慷慨，做事热情洋溢，买卖精明，为众人所爱。格里木则长相随其父，皮肤黝黑，形貌丑陋，思维也很像其父，买卖精明，雅善伐木、掘铁矿，打铁手艺更是出类拔萃。通常，在冬天时，格里木领众家臣捕鲱鱼。

索洛夫不觉二十岁，已可去打劫了。早睡狼给了索洛夫一艘长船。伯德拉的凯利家的二子——艾闻多和奥维，领人众，乘一艘长船来入伙。夏天他们出海，打劫财物，然后把战利品分掉。接下来的几年里，他们夏天一起出海打劫，冬天各自回家陪伴各自的父母。索洛夫带回家大量财宝，都献给了父母，使父母不仅富上加富，声名也更为赫赫。早睡狼渐渐老去，膝下两男都已长大成人。

第二话

当时峡湾地区的国王是奥彪，宇下曾有一个伯爵（jarl，习惯上认为等同于英国爵位系统中的伯爵。实际权力地位相当于英国的公爵，为诸侯国君主。古代挪威，国王以下为伯爵，伯爵以下为男爵。）名叫赫罗艾德。赫罗艾德传位其子索里。

索里传位其子瘦子阿特里。瘦子阿特里住在高拉（在挪威高拉河畔某处。），膝下三男一女，三男分别名叫：豪斯登、赫尔墨斯登、哈斯登，女儿名叫素薇，号美人。

有一年秋天，众人聚于高拉，参加祭祀节日。驼背奥维遇美人素薇于高拉，遂献殷勤。其后，奥维向她求婚。不过伯爵觉得，如此未免委屈了女儿，乃拒之。奥维对素薇魂牵梦绕，不愿再出海打劫，羊羔艾闻多和索洛夫只好丢下他自行出海。此后，奥维不觉写了很多情诗。

第三话

哈拉德继承其父黑脸丹麦仔的王位。哈拉德发誓说：一日不一统挪威，一日不理发（不修剪不梳理）。于是众人号之曰：蓬首。哈拉德先攻邻国，成功地征服了接壤诸国，接下来便开始远征。他将高地地区（在挪威首都奥斯陆的北面。）纳入囊中，继续北进，兵锋直指特隆赫姆，一路征战，征服了整个特伦德拉格地区。

接下来，哈拉德北上纳姆丹（挪威纳姆森河的河谷地区，位于挪威中部。），攻纳姆丹的国王哈罗伊和赫罗洛奇两兄弟。二王知哈拉德将至，哈罗伊走进用三个冬天建造的坟丘，杜墓门，从死之士十二。赫罗洛奇则弃王位，自贬为伯爵，向哈拉德降顺，成了哈拉德宇下的封臣。自此，哈拉德征服了纳姆丹和霍努伽兰（位于挪威纳姆森河的河谷地区与林因峡湾之间，为挪威最北端。），将土地分封。

之后，哈拉德引军登船南下，奇袭默勒和鲁姆斯达尔（今挪威默勒-鲁姆斯达尔郡，在挪威西部地区的最北端。）。

北默勒和鲁姆斯达尔的国王是罗圈腿索维，其父胡尼奥夫。索维不战而走，奔南默勒，向南默勒的国王安维阿求救。其辞曰：“今以兵窘寡人者，不日亦将窘大王矣。寡人知哈拉德之欲，非区区北默勒和鲁姆斯达尔所能填。大王若欲保全财产与自由，则必与寡人同气相求，亦将遣使四邻而求救矣。苟如此，寡人愿为大王前驱，同抗哈拉德之横暴。或曰，大王或效纳姆丹王之迎降，自贬为臣仆，屈身作封臣。先王曾有言曰，与其临老而为臣，何如戴王冠而一死。寡人以为，天下勇健，所见略同，故敢布腹心。”

安维阿以为然，决心集结兵力，迎战哈拉德。安维阿与索维会盟，又遣使至峡湾地区的国王奥彪处，求其参战。奥彪与众商议，许之，遣使全国征兵，招宇下诸贵族引兵来赴。

王使来至早睡狼前，令早睡狼引全部家臣，急赴此役。早睡狼答曰：“境内有警，引兵赴之，固臣之职事也。北上默勒，赴他国之戎，恐非臣之职事也。故臣将安坐家中，不赴此役。臣以为，不可举兵与蓬首哈拉德为敌。此人运势极强，恐非吾王所能当。”

使者只得回报国王：早睡狼安坐家中，不肯出兵。

第四话

奥彪引兵北上，至南默勒，与安维阿、罗圈腿索维合兵一处，军容甚壮。哈拉德引军南下，两军合战于索蟹儿岛（今挪威默勒-鲁姆斯达尔郡艾于勒市辖区，岛屿面积约为5平方公里。）。双方一场鏖战，皆死伤惨重。联军一方，国王安维阿与国王奥彪阵亡，国王索维逃走，此后成为大海盗，往来劫掠哈拉德的领地，摧夷甚多，众人号之曰：罗圈腿。哈拉德一方则二伯爵阵亡，其名为阿斯伽尤图、阿斯彪，哈孔那伯爵之二子阵亡，其名为格鲁特伽旅、哈佬驹，此外还有很多壮士阵亡。哈拉德遂有南默勒。

奥彪的兄弟维蒙都继位为峡湾地区之王。时已入秋，众人劝谏哈拉德：秋潮已至，不宜南下。哈拉德使容恩奥伯爵镇默勒和鲁姆斯达尔，大部分军力仍自己统领。

那年秋天，阿特里的三个儿子引众在驼背奥维的居所设伏，只差一点点就取了驼背奥维的性命。驼背奥维见众寡不敌，便逃之夭夭。他逃到默勒，觐见哈拉德，向他效忠。哈拉德引军北归特隆赫姆，驼背奥维与哈拉德同行，不觉成为哈拉德最亲密的朋友。此后很长时间，驼背奥维一直都在哈拉德身边，成了哈拉德的宫廷诗人。

那年冬天，容恩奥伯爵引兵从一条名叫“艾以”的海路旁路南下，遣间谍侦察国王维蒙都的行踪，知其在奈于斯特达尔宴饮。于是夜袭，围其屋而纵火，焚杀维蒙都及其麾下九十人。此后， 伯德拉的凯利引满满一长船的人众归附容恩奥伯爵，与伯爵一起北归默勒。容恩奥伯爵俘获了国王维蒙都所有的船只和所有能找到的财宝。随后，伯德拉的凯利北上特隆赫姆，觐见哈拉德，向他效忠。

第二年春天，哈拉德引军登船，沿海岸线南下，征服那些峡湾和山区，将土地分封。原来的峡湾地区王国被分封给赫鲁奥伯爵。

哈拉德对投奔他的男爵和大地主非常谨慎，常怀疑这些人可能背叛。投奔他的男爵和大地主有两种结果，或者被哈拉德收为封臣，或者被放逐到国外，有时候还会有第三种结果，即被处刑——或被斩断一肢，或被处死。 哈拉德宣称：所有世代传承的土地，所有已开垦或可开垦的耕地以及所有海洋和淡水湖都属于国王，所有地主都是国王的封臣，所有森林里的人、盐工、猎户、渔户，不管是在陆地上还是在海洋里谋生，都要服国王的役。

很多人逃去国外，避此暴政。逃亡者开垦了海外的荒地，比如耶姆特兰（在瑞典北部）和海尔辛兰（在瑞典中部）的东部地区、西方土地（挪威西面的诸岛屿）、赫布里底群岛、爱尔兰的都柏林、苏格兰的凯瑟尼斯、不列颠的设得兰。冰岛就是那时候被发现的。

第五话

哈拉德系舟于峡湾地区，遣使招那些哈拉德有意招揽但尚未来觐见的当地人物来觐见。

使者至早睡狼处，早睡狼善遇之。使者阐明来意，言哈拉德招早睡狼觐见之事。使者说：“公家世有勇名，绵延至公，此王所素闻。王有富贵，愿与天下勇健共之，此王之素愿。公疾入见，王将荣公。”

早睡狼辞以老朽，衰躯既不能战亦不能乘舟。言：“愚唯安坐家中耳，实无力事君王。”

使者说：“仆观公子高大，必勇武之人。何如遣公子一行？”又对格里木说：“公子事王，王必封公子男爵。”

格里木辞之曰：“不肖已事家父，家父即吾主。吾主在，不敢受他人封赏。”

使者将早睡狼父子之言回报哈拉德。哈拉德郁郁沉吟，问曰：“此志行高洁乎？此心有异志乎？”

驼背奥维在旁，劝哈拉德不必动怒，言：“臣愿一行，明吾王心意，必能说早睡狼来见。”

驼背奥维来至早睡狼处，告诉说：哈拉德愠怒，若父子皆不觐见，则祸将至；若觐见，则享尊荣。驼背奥维还告诉早睡狼父子：哈拉德为人慷慨，从之者得富贵，非虚言。

早睡狼回答说：“愚父子事王，兆皆不祥，故不愿行。唯索洛夫吉于远行，惜夏不在家，愿遣其事王。愚于王，是友非敌，奉愚号令之人，皆于王是友非敌。愚愿事王如事前王。若王能容愚，则愚之忠心，日久自见。愿公布愚心于王前。”

奥维返回，告诉哈拉德：早睡狼有另一子更出色，只是不在家，将遣另一子来见。哈拉德便将此事放下。夏，哈拉德前往内陆的松恩；秋，哈拉德去特隆赫姆。

第六话

秋，早睡狼之子索洛夫和羊羔艾闻多海上打劫归来。索洛夫来至父亲身边，父子一番深谈。

索洛夫问父亲，哈拉德遣使，所为何事。早睡狼告诉说：国王要求父子中一人觐见并效力麾下。

“当时父亲如何回答？”索洛夫问道。

“愚父以实话告知，愚父不愿效力国王，亦不希望二儿效力国王。概因愚父以为，愚父子效力国王之回报，除了毁灭以外别无他物。”

“此事，”索洛夫说，“儿以为不然。儿以为效力国王可得富贵。儿愿觐见国王，效力麾下。若儿所闻传言为真，则国王卫队乃天下勇健，骁锐海内无双，与其同游，加入其中，实儿之愿。儿亦听闻，国王对麾下赏赐极丰，苟能立功，拔擢分封亦毫不犹豫。儿还得知，不肯加入，拒绝觐见者，都已赤贫，有些乘桴浮于海，有些沦为佣工。儿素知父亲，明智进取之人也，国王礼请而不应者何也？若父亲已得神谕，知国王将不利吾家，则其为吾家之敌，而前王招父亲参战时，父亲又因何拒绝？既不与其为敌，又不与其为友，何也？”

“因为，”早睡狼回答说，“愚父当时已预知，北上默勒迎战蓬首哈拉德，必不能胜；现在，愚父亦同样预知，事哈拉德将大伤吾家。索洛夫，此事汝可自作决定。汝之勇力已能和人间最强者比肩，愚父不担心汝是否够格进国王卫队。只是要小心，凡事不可逾矩，不可犯上，不可胆小怕事，当然愚父知汝非胆小之人。

索洛夫决定觐见国王。早睡狼依依惜别，一路相送至船。在船上，父子拥抱而别离。早睡狼祝祷，愿索洛夫一路顺风，父子早日再见。

第七话
彪高夫一家

霍努伽兰曾有一人名叫彪高夫，住在托伽（现挪威诺尔兰郡布伦讷于市的托格岛），是个男爵，富而勇健。此人力大无穷，身材高大，好似山丘巨人的孩子。有一子，名布林优夫，肖其父。彪高夫渐渐年老，妻子去世，便将产业交给儿子打理，自又续弦一妻，妻名叫海尔伽，父亲是海拉夫尼斯塔的凯特勒·海因。彪高夫与续弦之妻膝下一男，名叫宝维。宝维高大英俊，是勇敢之士。

某年秋，众人聚而宴饮。彪高夫父子是那场盛宴的贵宾。入夜时，按照古老的习俗，他们抽签结伴同饮。当时宾客中有一人名叫赫格尼，在莱卡(今挪威特伦德拉格郡莱卡市）有一农庄，其人巨富、英俊、机智，只是出身低微，是白手起家的。赫格尼有一女极美，名叫希尔德莉娅，抽签结果正好与彪高夫同饮。那夜，二人畅谈甚欢，老爷子爱上了美丽的少女。之后席散无话。

就在那年秋天，彪高夫引三十人，登上自己的一艘小船，离家而行。船至莱卡，留十人守船，自引二十人前行。行至赫格尼的农庄，赫格尼出屋欢迎，邀彪高夫及其麾下人众入屋歇脚。彪高夫接受了邀请，引众入屋。在屋里，他们脱下旅行装，着斗篷。赫格尼下令，蒙伽酒（酒名mungát，字面意思是悦口之物。挪威的古老啤酒，至今仍存。）伺候，又使主人之女希尔德莉娅，亲为宾客斟酒。

彪高夫称赫格尼为好人赫格尼，开口说：“不才此行之意，愿娶贵千金归家，若得首肯，愿行婚礼于此。”

赫格尼无奈，只得如其所愿。彪高夫以一盎司黄金为聘，娶希尔德莉娅，带她回到托伽。长子布林优夫对此婚事不悦。

彪高夫与希尔德莉娅膝下二男，一名郝乐库，一名海乐库。

此后不久，彪高夫去世，遗躯还没下葬，希尔德莉娅母子三人就遭布林优夫驱逐。希尔德莉娅归莱卡，将二子养育成人。她的两个儿子都容貌英俊、身材不高、天生机智、肖母系亲属。众人称之为：希尔德莉娅二子。布林优夫完全不理睬他们，没有分给他们任何遗产。希尔德莉娅是赫格尼的继承人，故而母子三人继承了赫格尼的家产，住在莱卡，家豪富。彪高夫的另一子宝维和希尔德莉娅二子不觉都已长大成人。一直以来，彪高夫和其子布林优夫执掌去芬兰的关口，负责检查来往人众并征收关税。

在霍努伽兰的北境，有一个名叫韦夫斯尼（在挪威诺尔兰郡韦夫斯恩市）的峡湾，峡湾中有个岛屿，名叫阿洛斯[现挪威阿尔斯腾岛（Alsten）]。其岛广大，土地肥沃，上有一农庄，名叫桑内西。那里有一人，名叫西格德，为挪威北境首富。此人是男爵，慧而有智，膝下一女，名叫西格莉娅，身为当地首富的独生女，被众人视为霍努伽兰最佳求婚对象。

彪高夫的次子宝维引三十人，乘一小舟离家，北行至阿洛斯，来到桑内西，拜访西格德。宝维阐明来意，向西格莉娅求婚。西格德喜而许之。于是订婚，约次年夏结婚。约定来年夏，宝维北上迎娶西格莉娅。

第八话 

夏，哈拉德下令，招霍努伽兰尚未来见的豪强觐见。布林优夫决定觐见，宝维同行。秋，他们南下来到特隆赫姆，觐见国王。国王大悦。布林优夫被封为男爵，还增加了权力。国王不仅让他管辖来往芬兰的商旅，还让他奉王命管辖来往山区与芬兰之间的商旅。其后，布林优夫归，宝维留，加入国王卫队。 

国王卫队的座位高度仅次于王座，而在国王卫队中，最得国王青眼的是宫廷诗人。坐在最里首最靠近王座处的是坏诗人奥盾（此人曾被捉到抄袭他人诗歌，故而得此号。），他曾是哈拉德的父亲黑脸丹麦仔的宫廷诗人，同时也最年长，然后是乌鸦索彪，然后是驼背奥维，然后就是宝维。当时，众人有的称宝维为白脸宝维，有的称宝维为壮士宝维。宝维深为众人所爱，而宝维最亲密的朋友则是驼背奥维。 

那年秋，早睡狼之子索洛夫和伯德拉的凯利的儿子羊羔艾闻多前来觐见，得友好接待。他俩乘坐一艘轻快的二十座斯奈卡长船（Snekkja，一舷有二十桨至三十桨的维京长船。这里的二十座是单舷二十个桨手座位，整船有四十个桨手座位，外加一个舵手座位。），桨手满员，这艘船就是他们出海打劫用的船。他俩和他俩的部属被安排在客房住下，等待觐见。在这期间，有伯德拉的凯利和驼背奥维和他们一起。其后，他们得觐见国王。 

驼背奥维说：“此为早睡狼之子，臣在夏季时曾言，早睡狼将遣子觐见。大王面前之人，即早睡狼所承诺之子也。遣子事王，忠臣也。臣愿大王千金市马骨，尊荣索洛夫，以慰天下忠臣之心。” 

国王以为然，答应驼背奥维说：“只要索洛夫能立功，证其勇健，非徒具壮伟之形而无实。” 

于是索洛夫进入宫廷，加入国王卫队。伯德拉的凯利和羊羔艾闻多则登上索洛夫来时乘坐的那艘二十座斯奈卡长船，回到凯利家的农庄。索洛夫留在国王身边，他的座位在奥维和宝维之间。这三个人遂成密友。 

众人以为，索洛夫和宝维二人，在英俊、高大、力量和勇毅方面齐驾并驱，好似双璧。两人都深得国王的宠爱。 

冬天过去，夏季来临，宝维欲请假，以完成去年夏天订下的婚约。宝维言于国王，国王准之。宝维邀索洛夫一起北行，说：希望能带索洛夫见自己的亲人，家族中有几位著名人物，索洛夫尚未谋面，未曾相识。这邀请正合索洛夫之意，于是他俩一起离开宫廷，找了一艘很好的船，备好船员，出发。他们先来到托伽，遣人告诉西格德：宝维将如约前来完婚。西格德回答说：愿一切如约而行。敲定了婚礼的日子，宝维一行将按时北上桑内西。 

布林优夫和宝维如约出发，很多族中壮士同行。如宝维所言，索洛夫此行新结识了很多宝维家族中的人物。 他们来到桑内西，在那里举办了一场极盛大的婚宴。婚宴结束后，宝维带着新婚妻子回家，在家里度过了整个夏天，索洛夫也和他们一起。秋，他们南下回到国王身边，在国王身边度过冬天。 

就在那个冬天，布林优夫去世，宝维得知自己是继承人，便请假回家。国王许之。在离开国王之前，宝维被封为男爵，和他父亲的爵位一样，还被国王授予所有曾授予布林优夫的权力。宝维回到家，立刻就成了一个大豪强。希尔德莉娅和她的儿子们还是和之前一样，一点家产都没分到。宝维和妻子膝下一子，起名叫格里木。与此同时，索洛夫则在国王身边倍享尊荣。

第九话

哈拉德王下令全国征兵，集结船队，将全国各处之兵集结一处。哈拉德引军从特隆赫姆出发，转而南行。路上，哈拉德得知，阿格德尔（今挪威阿格德尔郡，在挪威最南端。）、罗加兰（今挪威罗加兰郡，在挪威西南端。）、霍达兰（今属于挪威韦斯特兰郡，在挪威西南部地区。）也全境征兵，从内陆地区一直到东面的维克地区（Vík，维京时代指挪威与瑞典西南交界处的海峡与丹麦的日德兰半岛。），征集了很多壮士，决心守土，迎战哈拉德。

哈拉德引大军乘舟南下，国王卫队与哈拉德同舟。早睡狼之子索洛夫、白脸宝维、伯德拉的凯利的两个儿子驼背奥维和羊羔艾闻多的座位在王舟船首，其后坐着十二名披熊皮的狂战士，狂战士皆持单刃剑。两军船队相遇于罗加兰的哈弗峡湾（Hafr's Firth），于是大战。此役为哈拉德至此所遇的最大规模战斗，双方皆死伤惨重。王舟一马当先，发起冲锋，战局曾一时胜负难分，最后哈拉德得胜。阿格德尔的国王长下巴索热战死，富豪克由德威则引众逃走，在此役结束后归降。哈拉德军计点人数，发现很多人阵亡，很多人受伤。索洛夫重伤，宝维伤势更为严重。座位在王舟桅杆前的众人皆带伤，唯独披熊皮的狂战士无伤，原来他们免疫铁器伤害。国王使众人包扎伤口，感谢他们的勇行，赏赐并称赞那些勇敢出众者。国王向众人承诺更多的光荣，把一些人提拔为舵手，把一些人的座位提升到船首处。这是哈拉德统一挪威的最后一战，此后就再也没有人抵抗了，他终于成了全挪威的国王（蓬首哈拉德理发后，人称秀发哈拉德）。国王下令治疗伤员，以传统礼仪埋葬战死者。

索洛夫和宝维皆伤，索洛夫的伤势渐渐好转，宝维的伤却无可挽救。宝维呼唤国王至身边，对国王说：“臣伤或不治，愿王许臣自择继承者。”

得到国王首肯之后，宝维说：“索洛夫，臣之友，臣之亲。愿使索洛夫继承臣之全部家财，土地、财物尽继承之。愿使索洛夫娶臣遗孀，抚臣遗孤。于众人中，臣最信索洛夫。”

国王以王权许可并确认了这项遗嘱。不久，宝维去世，下葬，众人大哀。索洛夫则伤势好转，追随在国王身边，得到巨大荣耀。

秋，国王北归特隆赫姆。索洛夫请求北上霍努伽兰，处理夏天时宝维的遗赠。国王允之，授予索洛夫一份王命和国王信物。王命曰：宝维遗愿得寡人首肯，寡人令众人遵而行之。国王封索洛夫为男爵，将原来授予宝维的那些权力转授索洛夫，同样负责来往芬兰的商旅。国王给了索洛夫一艘很好的长船，索具完善，还给索洛夫备足所有旅行所需之物，无不尽善尽美。索洛夫与国王依依惜别，登船出发。

索洛夫北行至托伽，得众人欢迎。索洛夫宣布：宝维已故，遗嘱将全部土地与财物赠己，并使己娶宝维遗孀。然后便将王命与国王信物呈示。

西格莉娅闻之，因丧夫而大悲。至于嫁索洛夫之事，西格莉娅与索洛夫早已相识，素知索洛夫出类拔萃，这场婚约对西格莉娅有利，更兼王命如此，故而西格莉娅对与索洛夫订婚没有什么不愿意的，只要征得西格莉娅的父亲的同意即可。索洛夫接管了宝维的全部财产，接掌了宝维负责的那些海关事务。

其后不久，索洛夫登长船，引六十人出发，沿海岸线北上。于某日黄昏，抵达阿洛斯的桑内西。他们将船泊好，扎下营帐，安排好诸事。索洛夫引二十人前往农庄。在宝维婚礼期间，西格德已经和索洛夫相识而且亲密，故而西格德欢迎索洛夫，邀请众人入屋。索洛夫与其麾下人众走进长屋，得盛情款待。

西格德坐下，与索洛夫交谈，询问消息。索洛夫述夏季在南方的那场大战，很多西格德的旧相识战死，西格德之婿宝维伤重不治之事。两人大悲。索洛夫说出宝维的遗嘱，拿出王命和国王的信物。索洛夫向西格德请求，允己迎娶其女西格莉娅。西格德悦而许之，因王命如此，宝维遗愿如此，更兼他熟知索洛夫，知其为爱女佳偶。西格德同意之后，便订下婚约，约定秋天在托伽举行婚礼。

索洛夫引众回到他在托伽的家宅，在那里准备一场盛大婚宴（古代维京婚姻以婚宴为见证，宾客为人证，宾客送的礼物为物证。），广邀宾客，邀请了很多亲人，其中不乏赫赫有名的人物。

西格德亦引众乘一舟南下，很多人参加这场婚宴。众人发现索洛夫非常慷慨。索洛夫身边有大量家臣，需要庞大的开支和粮食补给，不过那年年景很好，故而粮食补给不成问题。

那年冬，西格德在桑内西去世。索洛夫继承了西格德的全部家产，那可是一笔庞大的财富。

这时，希尔德莉娅二子来访，声称：父亲彪高夫留下的家产，他们也该有份。

索洛夫回答说：“布林优夫，鄙人素知，宝维，鄙人挚友，皆慷慨之人。若彼等认为君等有继承权，早已分家产予君等。当年，君等向宝维要求继承权时，鄙人亦在场，宝维言，君等非婚生子，无继承权，乃鄙人亲耳所闻。”

郝乐库说：有证人可证明，母亲是有聘礼而婚的。

“仆等未向家兄布林优夫提出继承要求，因亲亲谦让之义。仆等向家兄宝维请求继承权，因仆等愿得应有之权利，仆等并未纠缠。今日，仆家之产已在外人手中，故不能闭口不言仆等所受不公。若公能听取证言，则自知仆等出身光明正大，理应有权继承家产。”

索洛夫不觉嗔怒：“鄙人闻令堂乃武力抢来，以俘虏身份带回家中，何婚生子之有？”

他们的交谈自此结束。

第十话
索洛夫在芬马克（现属于挪威特罗姆斯-芬马克郡）

冬天，索洛夫引至少九十名家臣前往山区，而习惯上，地方长官出行时的随从不超过三十人。索洛夫带了很多贸易品。索洛夫和芬人会面，接受芬人的贡赋，和芬人互市。尽管一切都进行得很友善，芬人仍然心怀畏惧。

索洛夫在芬马克四处旅行，至东部山区，得知有个名叫奇林伽的人，引众从东来，目的是和芬人贸易，不过若有打劫的机会也不会放过。索洛夫遣芬人侦知奇林伽的行踪，亲引兵追袭。在一个山洞里堵住三十名奇林伽的部下，尽杀之，无一人得脱，之后又遇到十五人至二十人一股的奇林伽的其余部下，亦尽杀之。前后所杀近百人，虏获大量财物。此后入春，索洛夫引众返回。索洛夫来到桑内西的宅邸，在那里度过春天。索洛夫下令建造一艘巨大的长船，船首有一龙首雕刻，装饰极尽华丽。造好后，索洛夫即乘此巨船南归。

索洛夫从霍努伽兰收集了大量物资，又派遣家臣捕鲱鱼及各种鱼类，那里有很多海豹，故而还狩猎海豹，此外还搜集鸟蛋，如此收集了很多食物。在索洛夫家中，曾为奴后被释的自由民的数量从来没有少于百人。索洛夫非常慷慨，喜欢结交勇士，家附近的勇健之士，皆与索洛夫为友。索洛夫不觉成为一个豪强。索洛夫还很在意船只、器具、武器，诸物无不精良。

第十一话

索洛夫设宴款待国王

夏，哈拉德王来到霍努伽兰，一路宴会，或在王室所有的宅邸里，或在当地男爵或大地主的宅邸里。

国王出巡索洛夫家的日子敲定后，索洛夫就开始一掷千金地准备盛宴。索洛夫邀请了海量宾客，但凡是个人物，只要能被索洛夫找到，都被邀请了。国王赴宴时，带了三百名随从，而索洛夫则召集了五百人之众。长屋不能容下这么多人，故而索洛夫把宴会地点选在一个大谷仓『本萨伽的作者是后世的冰岛人，忘记了当时霍努伽兰并没有什么农业，不可能有大谷仓。故而“谷仓”应该是杜撰，应该只是一个大屋子。Jessen, C. A. E.. Über die Glaubwurdigkeit der Egils-Saga und anerer Isländer-Sagas (p. 80).』里。众人的盾牌挂满了谷仓的四壁。

国王的座位最高，当最靠近国王座位的众人入席时，国王四顾而色变，虽没有说话，但众人皆觉察到国王有怒意。这是一场盛宴，菜肴尽善尽美，可是国王却郁郁寡欢。按照行程安排，国王在索洛夫家停留三晚。在国王离开的那天，索洛夫送别国王，提出一路相送到海边。国王同意。在海边，停泊着索洛夫建造的那艘巨大的龙首长船，船的帐篷和索具皆一应俱全。索洛夫将龙首长船献给国王，向国王解释：他邀请大量宾客的本心是向国王致敬，绝无异心。国王接受了解释，颜色转霁。众人纷纷帮索洛夫说话：称赞宴会丰盛；临别的礼物真是了不起；有如此之人辅佐，是王室之福。索洛夫与国王依依惜别。

国王按照计划巡视了霍努伽兰，夏季将结束时南归，一路宴会。

第十二话

希尔德利娅二子进谗言

希尔德莉娅二子觐见国王，邀请国王参加为期三晚的宴会。国王接受邀请，定下日子。在约定的日子，国王引随从去希尔德莉娅二子处赴宴。希尔德莉娅二子邀请的宾客不多，宴会进行得很顺利，国王显得很开心。郝乐库与国王交谈，询问国王夏天巡视诸处时的那些宴会如何。

国王回答说：在各处皆得盛情款待，无不如意合心。

“此等宴会其实颇有不同，”郝乐库说，“臣料索洛夫所办之宴会，宾客定然最众。”

国王回答说：然也。

郝乐库说：“索洛夫不惜巨费而宴，其行可疑。吾王鸿运，故幸免于难。臣闻吾王见宾客众盛而起疑，令随从众人昼夜警惕，不卸武装，此诚主明而天佑，否则必不能脱。”

国王乃熟视郝乐库：“何出此言，郝乐库，何出此言？”

郝乐库说：“吾王恕臣直言，臣乃敢言。”

“但言无妨。”国王回答。

“臣有一谬见，”郝乐库说，“吾王或不以为然。吾王之治，多有人以为严，此辈在家中无忌时，多称吾王为暴君。此辈之所以尚未起兵叛逆，徒因无勇更兼群龙无首耳。索洛夫自视极高，势力强大，素得众心，家臣众多，比拟君王，家势豪富，不仅坐拥自家应有之财，还得兼并他人之富，取之尽锱铢，豪掷如泥沙。彼之大权，吾王所授，而吾王之恩，彼将仇报。臣之言，字字皆真。当时，彼等得知，吾王引不足三百人之众而巡霍努伽兰，乃聚而计划，欲集兵而弑吾王，尽杀吾王随从人众。索洛夫即为会议主谋，众人向彼许诺，事成后拥立彼为霍努伽兰和纳姆丹之王。会议后，索洛夫遍访各峡湾，诸岛屿，尽招胜兵者并征集军械。彼将以此军与哈拉德王战，为当地众所周知之事。岂料，吾王所引之兵虽少，然索洛夫所集之众皆村夫，竟望王舟而溃遁。于是彼等改变计划，以好相迎，诱吾王入宴，欲趁王众醉卧时火攻。有一事可证臣所言不虚，彼等之所以设宴款待吾王于谷仓，实因新造之长屋美轮美奂，索洛夫惜之，不忍付之一炬。更有一事可证臣所言非虚，索洛夫宅邸中，每一房间皆堆满武器盔甲。彼等诡计皆为吾王所破，无奈之下，别无选择，只得弃其逆谋。臣知众人皆与此逆谋，未参与者寥寥，故王若询之众人，必遭众口一辞，纷然抵赖。臣有一计，愿吾王招索洛夫，留于身边，使彼服役于国王卫队，使彼掌王军旗，使彼坐于王舟船首，此等职位与彼最为相宜；若必封彼为男爵，则将彼封到南部的峡湾地区，彼家人尽在峡湾地区；如此，吾王可知其动向，可免末大必折、尾大不掉之祸。霍努伽兰之事务，宜选谦逊忠诚，家族在本地，有相关经验之人主持。若吾王需要，臣兄弟二人愿效微劳。先父曾长期主持王事，在其执事时，关市繁荣。霍努伽兰非吾王所常至，故若选外人管理，则其力不足以服本地之众，须得留兵镇之。本地之众心怀叵测，若吾王再次亲临，切不可如此轻舟简从。”

国王闻言大怒，像往常得到重要情报时那样，沉默不语久之。国王问索洛夫现在是否在托伽的家里。郝乐库回答说：不可能。

“索洛夫，”郝乐库说，“智谋之士，岂会留在吾王够得着之处？其应已猜到吾王识破逆谋，闻吾王南下，必北避阿洛斯矣。”

国王罕对他人谈及此事，但不难发现，国王倾向于相信那些话。

宴会后，国王离开，希尔德莉娅二子送别国王，并献上礼物，国王向彼等承诺：已得国王友谊。此后，这对兄弟常以办事之名去纳姆丹，寻机觐见国王，他们的进言总是得到国王听取。

第十三话

索吉觐见国王

索洛夫麾下有一自由民武侍（húskarl。北欧贵族身边的武装侍卫，若是自由民身份则称为húskarl，若是奴隶身份则称为þræll。），名叫索吉，号大吼，位居众家臣之首。以前索洛夫出海打劫时，此人的座位在船首处，而且是军旗掌旗官。此人也参加了哈弗峡湾之战，为索洛夫过去打劫时用的那艘船的舵手。索吉勇敢强健，战斗结束后得到国王的赏赐和友谊。当索洛夫不在托伽的时候，索吉负责守家，托伽一切事务皆由索吉定夺。

这一次，索洛夫在离开托伽之前，点计了从山区得到的给国王的贡赋，将这些贡赋交给索吉保管，对索吉下令：若自己不能在国王南归前回到托伽，则由索吉负责将这批贡赋运送给国王。于是索吉择一艘大船，将贡赋搬运上船，亲引二十人登船南航，向国王所在之处行驶，遇国王于纳姆丹。

索吉觐见国王，转达索洛夫的致敬，代表索洛夫献上芬兰贡赋。国王熟视索吉，沉默无语，众人发现国王满脸怒色。索吉退下，以为是觐见的时机不对。此后，索吉拜访驼背奥维，告诉奥维觐见国王时的异状，问奥维是否知道原因。

“愚亦不明所以。”奥维回答说，“然愚留意到，自莱卡之行后，但凡有人提到索洛夫，吾王皆沉吟不语。故愚猜想，必有小人中伤。愚知希尔德莉娅二子曾与吾王长谈，而此二人平时言谈中对索洛夫满怀怨恨，其心一目了然。愚当即刻入见，以明此事。”

于是奥维觐见国王，说：“大吼索吉，吾王之友，其携芬兰贡赋而来。贡赋丰盛，前所未有；品质卓越，远胜往昔。索吉恭候吾王点计。贡赋甚佳，吾王何不一观？贡赋中有一些灰色毛皮，品质之佳，实臣平生仅见。”

国王还是沉吟不语，但听从奥维，登船查看贡赋。索吉立即向国王献上那些毛皮。国王见奥维所言不虚，贡赋的确比往昔更多更佳，一直紧锁的双眉终于有些松开了。索吉得以和国王交谈。他代表索洛夫向国王献上从山区得到的熊皮以及很多珍贵物品。国王颜色转霁，询问索吉关于索洛夫引其麾下在北境旅行之事。索吉将那次北境之旅详细禀告。

国王说：“惜哉，索洛夫之挟逆心欲弑寡人也。”

当时在场众人皆众口一辞，向国王分辩：小人中伤，索洛夫必无此心。国王说：但愿如此。国王和索吉相谈甚欢，索吉又获得了国王的友谊。

其后，索吉回到索洛夫身边，告诉索洛夫所见所闻。

第十四话

索洛夫再访芬马克

那年冬，索洛夫引家臣百人，再访芬马克。和上一次一样，索洛夫先和芬人互市，然后引众在芬马克巡行。就在索洛夫来到芬马克最东面边境时，其行被邻国得知，有数名克玟人【Kven。克玟兰（Kvenland），古国也。位置在波的尼亚海湾（Bothnian Bay）的西海岸地区。对克玟兰有很多猜测，一说是芬人部族，一说是瑞典人部族，更有一说认为是希腊神话中的亚马逊人。“kven”在古挪威语中的词义是“女人”，一说英语中的女王（queen）一词的词源即是qwen，其为kven的另一种拼法。在本萨伽中，克玟兰是国王统治，但有一些其他北欧史籍提到克玟兰的统治者是女王。】来访，自称为克玟兰国王法拉维斯所遣，言：基里奥拉人（其国基里奥拉兰，是现代的卡累利阿地区。）劫掠其土；请求索洛夫助战；若得胜，分享战利品时，索洛夫得王者之份，索洛夫麾下一人得克玟人两人之份。所谓王者之份，按克玟兰法，分享战利品时，国王得全部的三分之一以及所有熊皮和貂皮。索洛夫将此事告知麾下众人，由众人公议决定是否参战。因为回报丰厚，所以选择参战的人占多数。于是决定随克玟使节东行（克玟兰在芬马克南面，敌人在克玟兰东面。其实是先南后东而行。）。

芬马克形状细长，西面是海，有很多大峡湾，东面和北面也是海，南面则是挪威。芬马克伸展很长，在南面几乎和挪威所有内陆地区都接壤，还和临海的霍努伽兰接壤。纳姆丹的东面是耶姆特兰（瑞典旧省耶姆特兰省），再往东是海尔辛兰（瑞典旧省海尔辛兰省），海尔辛兰的东面是克玟兰，再往东是芬兰，芬兰东面是基里奥拉兰。这些地区的北面皆和芬马克接壤。芬马克多山，多大湖，湖畔长满广袤的森林，山民多居住在山谷和湖畔，基里山（斯堪的纳维亚山脉）绵延芬马克全境。

索洛夫引众来到克玟兰，与国王法拉维斯会合，万事俱备，合兵前进。联军兵力是克玟兰王军三百加上挪威军一百。联军北上取道芬马克而东进，遇之前劫掠克玟兰的基里奥拉军于山区。基里奥拉人闻有兵来袭，便集结来迎，自以为必胜。两军相接，挪威军奋勇向前，而挪威盾坚不可摧，非克玟盾所能比。基里奥拉军之阵为挪威军所摧，其军死伤惨重，余皆蹿逃。国王法拉维斯和索洛夫掠得大量战利品，同归克玟兰。此后，索洛夫引众回芬马克，与国王法拉维斯结为好友而别。

索洛夫引众沿山南下至韦夫斯尼，再去桑内西小住。春天时，引众回到托伽。

索洛夫在托伽得知，希尔德莉娅二子整个冬天都在特隆赫姆，在哈拉德王的身边，不断中伤索洛夫，他们的中伤都毫无根据。索洛夫说：“诬蔑鄙人谋逆，纯粹捕风捉影。吾王于臣，恩重而无怨，吾王岂会为此等谎话虚言所欺？鄙人纵有害王之力，亦绝无害王之心。鄙人为男爵甚乐，并无觊觎王位。若非吾王知遇之恩，鄙人事他人不过奴隶武侍终耳。”

第十五话

希尔德莉娅二子引十二名家臣，皆其家人与邻居，整个冬天都和哈拉德王一起。这对兄弟常常和国王交谈，每次都诋毁索洛夫。郝乐库问：“索洛夫献芬人贡赋，王心悦乎？”

“悦。”国王回答。

“此本吾王之物，何足道。索洛夫所献之物虽丰，然不过其所有之九牛一毛耳。臣知彼家有熊皮三十张，而所献不过三张。他物亦复如是。若吾王使臣兄弟二人掌关市，则臣兄弟二人必大增王室之富。”

此二人中伤索洛夫，而此二人之家臣在侧者，亦唯唯而证其言，故哈拉德怒索洛夫之心愈盛。

第十六话

夏天时，索洛夫引九十名家臣南下特隆赫姆，觐见哈拉德王，献上全部贡赋和大量财物。索洛夫及其麾下来到国王处，被安排在客房住下，得盛情款待。

翌日，驼背奥维来见亲人索洛夫，二人相谈。奥维告诉索洛夫，其被中伤，诽谤之言已入王心。索洛夫求奥维助己向国王辩解，“若，”索洛夫说，“吾王信奸人之言，不信鄙人之真诚，则鄙人难以自辩于王前。”

第二天，奥维来见索洛夫，告诉他，已经为他向国王进言辩解。“不过，”奥维说，“吾王之心已非愚所能知。”

“如此，鄙人将自辩于王前。”索洛夫说。

索洛夫觐见国王，当时国王正在用餐。索洛夫向国王致敬，国王接受了他的致敬，邀请索洛夫一行入座同饮。索洛夫说，他此行来献芬马克贡赋，“以及臣所得之战利品。愿以区区之物，明臣感王恩浩荡之心。”

国王说，知索洛夫之心应忠良，“因寡人对卿，有恩无怨。奈何众人之言迥异乎。”

“若有人责臣怀异心，”索洛夫说，“污蔑也。中伤臣者，皆因私怨，非忠臣也。愿吾王听取臣言，明察事实，严惩奸人。”

然后索洛夫便退下了。

第二天，索洛夫国王面前献上并点计贡赋，在贡赋之外，又献上熊皮和貂皮，请求国王笑纳。在场众人皆交口称赞，称值得国王的友谊。国王说：索洛夫早已得封赏矣。索洛夫说：素兢兢业业，矢勤矢勇，忠于王室。

“若如此尚不能得王心，”索洛夫说，“臣不知所为。臣曾为吾王亲随，勤于王事，为吾王亲见。若吾王忘亲见之忠勤，疑臣心有变，则臣惶恐，不知所为。”

国王回答说：“索洛夫昔在寡人之侧，果然忠勤。寡人以为，索洛夫不如重归寡人卫队，掌寡人军旗，任寡人卫队长，如此，昼夜言行皆在寡人目中，无人再能中伤矣。”

索洛夫麾下的自由民武侍皆侍立两侧，索洛夫顾诸家臣而言：“此辈事臣，臣不忍中道而弃。吾王赐臣之爵与权，凭王予夺，臣无怨，唯此等事臣之人，臣不忍弃。臣之家臣，皆臣以私产供养，未敢侵王室之富。臣愿吾王亲临臣家详查，听取素信之人之证言，明察事实而作判断。”

国王回答说，绝不会再去索洛夫家作客。于是索洛夫退下，整行装而归。

在索洛夫启程离开后，国王下令，将之前索洛夫执掌的霍努伽兰及芬马克的诸般权职皆转授希尔德莉娅二子，没收索洛夫在托伽的宅邸及曾在布林优夫名下的所有产业，皆转授希尔德莉娅二子。国王之使持信物至索洛夫处，宣告王命。索洛夫将金银细软尽可能搬运上船，引全部家臣，包括自由民武侍与奴隶武侍，登舟北行，来到桑内西农庄住下。在那里，索洛夫没有裁减家臣，还是和以前一样为人慷慨。

第十七话

希尔德莉娅二子游于芬马克和王庭

希尔德莉娅二子掌霍努伽兰关市，索洛夫的亲友虽不悦，然其奉王命，故众人皆唯唯，无敢谔谔。冬天，这两兄弟引三十名家臣巡山区。他们未能如索洛夫那样，赢得芬人的尊敬，于是收到的关税比索洛夫收到的要少很多。

那个冬天，索洛夫引百名家臣亦至山区，东行至克玟兰，与克玟兰国王相会。他们开会而议，决定像去年冬天那样，再次循山而进，袭基里奥拉兰。于是他们引联军四百人，攻打基里奥拉兰人口和联军相若的地区，纵兵大掠，所获甚丰。如此一直到冬季将结束时，才返回芬马克。春天时，索洛夫回到桑内西农庄的家宅，使家臣部分去沃格岛（今丹麦海外领法罗群岛中的一个岛屿。法罗群岛在冰岛与挪威之间。）捕鱼，部分去捕鲱鱼，将搜集的物资都集中到桑内西农庄。

索洛夫有一艘大船，尚未下水。这艘船造得非常精美，水线以上以矿物染料涂色，帆是红蓝条纹相间，索具一应俱全。在这艘船准备完毕后，索洛夫使自由民武侍掌船，下令将鱼干、毛皮装运上船，其中有很多从山区得到的白色和灰色的毛皮，这些毛皮的价值极高。索洛夫令这艘船西行去英格兰贸易，换取所需的衣服和粮食。众武侍驾船先沿挪威海岸南下，然后向西横越大洋，抵达英格兰，在那里找到一个繁华的集市，卖掉货物，买了满满一船的小麦、蜂蜜、酒和衣服，欲等到秋季顺风，便启航回霍努伽兰。

那年秋天，希尔德莉娅二子向国王献上贡赋。在点计贡赋时，国王问：“此即芬马克全部贡赋乎？”

“诚然。”希尔德莉娅二子回答道。

“何其薄！”国王说，“远不如索洛夫贡赋之丰。而卿等言索洛夫侵占克扣，何也？”

“吾王明鉴。”郝乐库回答道，“苟能去索洛夫之侵占克扣，必能大丰芬马克之赋，此吾王所素知也。去年冬，臣兄弟二人引三十家臣，奉王命而巡芬马克。其后不久，索洛夫引家臣百人亦至芬马克。臣兄弟二人得知，索洛夫因吾王夺其权转授臣兄弟二人而怨，欲尽杀臣兄弟二人及随行众人。为保全首领，臣兄弟二人唯有谨避之，只得急急离开村镇，躲进山区。索洛夫引麾下武侍巡行芬马克，垄断关市，擅收芬人贡赋，阻吾王之使征收关税。索洛夫欲据芬马克与霍努伽兰，割北地而王。愿吾王切莫再信索洛夫诡辩。臣有证据可证明索洛夫侵夺芬马克之赋。今年春，有一艘商船从桑内西启航，经过霍努伽兰。臣闻，船上货物为索洛夫所有，大部分为灰色毛皮，还有熊皮、貂皮，其数量远多于索洛夫所献之贡赋。掌舵者为大吼索吉，据信西航至英格兰。若吾王在索吉东归时，遣间侦之，则真相必然大白。臣窃以为，此船所载之货，论价值高昂，天下无出其右者，本应为王室之富。臣言字字为实，愿吾王明鉴镜察。”

郝乐库麾下家臣皆指鹿为马，唯唯而证郝乐库之言，无敢驳其谎者。

第十八话

哈拉德王有两个同母异父的兄弟，一个名叫西格瑞格，号走得快，另一个名叫哈斯瓦，号走不累。其父是富豪，于是得以继承其父在希辛（今瑞典希辛延岛）的产业。其家共有四兄弟，其中年纪较小的两个留在家中，打理家业。西格瑞格和哈斯瓦是国王的传令官，足迹遍布挪威海内外，曾负责过一些相当危险的任务：奉王命处决豪强、没收豪强产业。麾下有大量家臣。二人虽不讨众人之喜，但得国王青眼。论旅行经验之丰，二人可谓天下无双，除了船行之外，亦能步行于陆，还能雪橇行于雪中。其行神速，捷于常人。二人之为人，勇而警觉。

希尔德莉娅二子进谗言时，此二人亦在王庭。秋季，国王在霍达兰赴宴。国王招此二人至前，使其追踪夏季去英格兰秋季返航的索吉的商船。

“夺其船及船上之货，带来寡人面前，船上之人，除非胆敢武装抵抗王命，皆赦而纵之。”国王说。

此二人即准备行装，各驾一艘长船出海，搜寻索吉的船。打听到索吉的船从西来，正沿着海岸线北上。于是二人向北而追，追及索吉于夫茹苏得『Furusund。瑞典有同名岛，在波罗的海。』。他们发现索吉的船，即以一艘长船从索吉的船临海的那一侧靠帮，一些人领头跳上索吉的船，接下来大批人纷纷从跳板登上索吉的船。当时索吉的船员毫无戒心，等反应过来时，早已被大量武装战士登船，于是未作抵抗，束手就擒，被卸了武器盔甲，只余身上衣服，其后不久，被释放上岸。哈斯瓦麾下众人撤回跳板，解开缆绳，把索吉的船拖走，转而南航，沿海岸线而行至国王所在之处，将船与船上之物献给国王。船上货物被搬运上岸，国王亲临而观，见船载之货确为巨额财富，遂对郝乐库之言深信不疑。

索吉与众武侍找到交通工具，前至早睡狼父子处，得盛情款待，他们将所遇之意外告知早睡狼父子。早睡狼说：诚如神谕，索洛夫与哈拉德王之友谊难有善终。

“愚以为，”早睡狼说，“大祸将至矣，区区财物之失，何足道。愚所忧者，恐索洛夫自不量力而犯上也。”

早睡狼叮嘱索吉转告索洛夫：“愚父以为，吾儿宜速出海避难，事英格兰、丹麦或瑞典之君王，未必差于在挪威。”

早睡狼给索吉一艘桨艇，索具、帐篷、补给品等航海所需之物一应俱全，然后他们就分别了。索吉一行路上未作任何停留，直驶至索洛夫处，告知索洛夫所遇之事。

索洛夫对财物损失一笑置之，自言幸不缺钱。“王恩浩荡哉。”索洛夫说。索洛夫重新采购家臣所需的衣食补给。“吾家武侍岂可久无甲剑。”索洛夫又说。索洛夫卖掉了一些田地，抵押了一些田地，还是像以前那样支出不变。相对于去年冬天，家臣没有减少，反而增加了。家中的宴会和对来访友人的招待，比以前更丰盛。那年冬天，索洛夫留在家里没有出行。

第十九话

索洛夫的反击

春天到来，冰雪消融，索洛夫新下水一艘大型长船，准备完毕。索洛夫亲引自由民武侍登船，其众超百人，皆英俊之士，装备精良。等到顺风后，即启航沿海岸线南下，行至碧惹「（Byrðu，位置不详，可能是挪威南部的已撤销的古县——彪尔诺（Bjørnør）。」，绕过诸岛屿，取山间水道，间道而行。如此，得隐其行踪，沿海岸线南下，悄悄抵达维克地区，来去无人知晓。在那里，他们打听得知哈拉德亦在维克地区，计划夏季时去高地地区。对索洛夫的这次秘密航行，挪威人一无所知。趁顺风，索洛夫南驶至丹麦，入波罗的海，整个夏季都在那里打劫，只是所得的战利品微不足道。秋季，索洛夫从丹麦东部驶返。有一个地方叫艾拉（Eyrar，位置不详。字面意思是沙堤。），夏季有大量商船聚集停泊，待到入秋，这些商船会纷纷启航，四散而行。那年和往常一样，有大量挪威商船聚集在艾拉。索洛夫驾船匿踪潜行，任这些这些商船驶过，没有惊动他们。一天傍晚，索洛夫行驶至莫斯洽松德（Mostrarsound， 位置未详。），遇一艘商船，来自于艾拉，载有巨量货物。这艘船的舵手是苏马（þruma，地名，位置未详。）的索热，是哈拉德的官员，负责管理哈拉德在苏马的农庄。那是一个巨大的农庄，哈拉德巡维克地区时，会在那里长住，故而那个农庄需要购买大量补给物资，索热的艾拉之行即是为了采购这些物资，包括：麦芽酒、小麦、蜂蜜，此外他还携带大量用于采购的王室财富。索洛夫袭之，问索热及其部属是否愿一战。索热见众寡不敌，自知必败，遂降。索洛夫取船连同船上之物，弃索热及其麾下人众于岛。

 

索洛夫引两艘船沿海岸线北航，至河口，静候至入夜。在夜里，悄悄划桨，把长船驶入河道，逆流而上，如此神不知鬼不觉地驶到哈斯瓦和西格瑞格的农庄前。拂晓将至，索洛夫引众组成一个环形包围圈，将那处农庄团团围住，扬声战吼。农庄中众人从梦中惊醒，纷纷急取甲剑。守家的两兄弟是索格与索武。索格出卧室，逃至围着农庄的木篱笆下，木篱笆很高，索格便奋身一跃，探一手攀住一根木柱，将身一荡而出篱。大吼索吉恰在不远处，上去一剑，将索格的攀柱之手连同那木柱一同斩断，即便如此，索格还是逃进了树林。索武被杀，与他一起被杀的有二十多人。索洛夫引众大掠农庄，尽烧其屋，回船，顺流而下，入海而去。

 

趁着顺风，索洛夫北航至维克地区，遇到一艘当地人的大商船，满载麦芽酒和面粉，劫之。船上之人自知不敌，弃杖而降，被卸除武装，丢到岸上。索洛夫取其船与船上货物，继续行驶。他们先沿着海岸线向西，一直驶入远海，来到里桑迪斯奈斯（Líðandisness），遣众四出，打劫岸边和内陆的牲畜。其后北航，看到陆地便上去掠夺，一路行至峡湾地区。索洛夫将船驶入峡湾，去见父亲。其父盛情款待了索洛夫一行。索洛夫对父亲讲述了这一场夏季冒险，小住数日后告辞。早睡狼和格里木相送索洛夫至船。

 

父子依依惜别时，早睡狼说：“吾儿，当日汝觐见哈拉德，入国王卫队，愚父以为，王荫虽好，或不能久，不幸言中。如今，汝不听父劝，以兵犯王。汝虽勇武，然不能敌哈拉德之强运。昔海内兵强而勇健者多矣，皆未能敌哈拉德之强运。恐此为吾父子最后一面。自古金发人送白发人，愚父恐吾父子将有白发人送金发人之悲矣。”

 

索洛夫启航而行，悄悄抵达桑内西，将战利品搬运进农庄，把船拖上岸。索洛夫整个冬天都留在家里，衣食无忧，没有裁减家臣。

 

第二十话

英瓦里

 

有一个富豪名叫英瓦里，曾为前王宇下男爵。哈拉德翦平诸王国，一统挪威之后，英瓦里安坐家中，未事哈拉德。英瓦里婚后有一女，名叫拜拉，家住峡湾地区。拜拉是英瓦里唯一子嗣，也是唯一继承人。早睡狼之子格里木向拜拉求婚，得许。在索洛夫来访的那年的冬天，格里木和拜拉结婚。

 

当年格里木二十五岁，已经秃顶，故众人呼之曰：秃头格里木。虽然早睡狼依旧健硕，但已经将家事托付格里木，于是格里木不仅负责经营其夫妻名下的农庄，也负责经营早睡狼的农庄。他们的农庄中有大量自由民，其中很多是出生在那里的，而且年龄和格里木相近。早睡狼父子择其中最勇健者，收为家臣，精心训练。秃头格里木不仅身材和勇力肖其父，容貌和性格也肖其父。

 

第二十一话

 

索洛夫打劫时，哈拉德在维克地区，秋季时前往高地地区，又北行至特隆赫姆，在那里和大军一起过冬。哈斯瓦与西格瑞格和哈拉德在一起，得知索洛夫袭击他们在希辛的家，杀人越货还放火，于是屡次言于王前，告诉说：索洛夫劫王产，杀王臣，大掠于国内。他们请求领之前他们执法豪强时用过的那支兵，攻打索洛夫的家。

 

国王回答说：“索洛夫诚可诛，然恐非卿等所能诛。卿等虽勇，然仍非索洛夫之敌也。”

 

兄弟俩回答说：若得王命允许，愿试之；且之前执法豪强皆胜，多次斩勇士而无伤。

 

春季到来，道路已通，兄弟俩再次请求王命允许，去取索洛夫之命。国王许之。国王说：“寡人知卿二人此行，必能带回索洛夫项上人头，虏获亦将极丰，然寡人忧，恐北行之人或有不能南归者也。”

兄弟俩全速准备行装，引二百人登两艘船，在东北风里驶出峡湾。不过他们此行目标在北，东北风是逆风。

 

第二十二话

早睡狼之子索洛夫战死

 

两兄弟出发时，哈拉德王在拉达[Hlaða，今特隆赫姆的拉达区（Lade），哈拉德攻特隆赫姆王国，特隆赫姆王降顺，被封为伯爵。哈拉德陆军很强，但缺少船只，特隆赫姆有大量船只，使哈拉德如虎添翼。伯爵所住的长屋（Lade Mansion，仍存，是旅游点。）在拉达区，故而这个伯国被称为拉达伯国。]。两兄弟一离开，哈拉德王便立即准备行装，引王军登四艘船，划桨北行，取道巴以斯塔峡湾[从特隆赫姆出海之后，即入特隆赫姆峡湾（Trondheimsfjord），若向西北而行则入大西洋，显然两兄弟是引军向西北而行，若向东北而行则入巴以斯塔峡湾（Beitstadfjorden）]，至埃尔达[现挪威的埃尔达（Elda），位于巴以斯塔峡湾北端。]，弃舟登陆，取陆路北行至纳姆丹，征用当地地主的船只，引军登船（具体登船点不详，纳姆丹是个地区。）。国王与国王卫队同舟，王军共四百人之众，全副武装，乘六艘船而行。逆风强劲，乃划桨昼夜兼行。幸夜色晴朗，能见度足以适航。

 

一天日落后，王军舟行至桑内西。见农庄前摆着一艘长船，帐篷已经安装好，他们认得这是索洛夫的船。索洛夫原本计划那天晚上出海，众人正设宴饯行。国王下令，王军登陆，升起王军军旗。登陆处离农庄很近。

 

当时索洛夫的哨兵无一在岗，都在长屋里喝酒。全农庄的人无一例外，也全都在长屋里喝酒。国王令王军组成环形包围圈，将那屋团团围住，发战吼，吹战争号角。索洛夫众人饮酒时把武器都挂在座位上方高处，闻声，急取剑甲。 国王令人前至屋门前，宣王命，令妇女、儿童、老人、奴隶武侍、市奴（mansmenn，买来的奴隶，区别于家生的奴隶。）出屋。女主人西格莉娅引屋中女子及其他被允许出屋之人走出屋门。西格莉娅问王军，伯德拉的凯利家的两位公子可在？兄弟俩出列，问西格莉娅何事相求。

 

“愿得一言于王前。”西格莉娅说。

 

兄弟俩从命，引西格莉娅至国王面前。西格莉娅谓国王：“索洛夫之罪尚可恕乎？”

 

国王回答说：“若索洛夫降顺，则免其死，亦不斩其手脚。其麾下众人皆不得恕，按罪受惩。”

 

驼背奥维入屋，招索洛夫至前，告以国王恕令。 

 

索洛夫不受此恕令，言：“但求吾王放臣等出屋，赐战士之死。”

 

国王下令：“焚其屋。索洛夫，虎兕也。虽我众彼寡，然若纵之出屋，必大伤寡人士卒。寡人岂轻捐士命者乎？”

 

火起，因此屋所用之木材已经干燥，墙壁也用沥青涂抹过，屋顶铺的桦树皮，故而火势蔓延极速。索洛夫令众人拆护壁板，卸下屋梁，以梁撞壁，以求破壁而出。于是众人拆下一根屋梁，一起抱住它，对准屋角拼尽全力一撞，力量之猛，以至于屋梁上的钩子都飞出去了，把屋角之壁撞出一个大洞。

 

索洛夫一马当先从洞里冲出，索吉紧跟其后，麾下众人鱼贯而出。于是大战。起初，索洛夫方占上风，这是因为索洛夫方背火屋而阵，无法被包抄。王军死伤惨重。其后不久，屋火大盛，索洛夫之阵被烈焰所吞，很多人死于火。索洛夫乃左右手双持，向前猛跃而进，所向披靡，然索洛夫始终未下杀手，故败于索洛夫者都只受轻伤。索洛夫一往无前，冲至王军军旗所在之处。当斯时，索吉战死。国王卫队结盾阵，索洛夫一剑击倒王军军旗掌旗官，冲破盾阵，至于王前，大呼曰：“今三步之内，臣得以颈血溅王！”国王卫队对索洛夫剑矛齐下，索洛夫犹站立不倒，国王亲手给予索洛夫致命一击。索洛夫死，尸仆，伏于国王足前。国王令收剑止杀，王军收剑。

 

国王令收队回船。招驼背奥维与其兄弟至前，下令说：“索洛夫，卿等之亲。卿等收其尸而礼葬之，收战死者葬之，伤者医之。无得劫掠，桑内西已为王室之产。”

 

说完，国王引王军主力回船。在船上，众人包扎伤口，国王往来巡视。国王见伤于索洛夫者剑创甚浅，叹曰：“索洛夫非力弱，其剑亦非钝，手下留情明矣。惜哉，猛士无双，而寡人杀之。” 

拂晓，国王下令升帆，引军南归。那天，王军遇见很多船划桨而来，那是周围诸岛之人，来为索洛夫助战。周围诸岛，南至纳姆丹，皆有索洛夫耳目。哈斯瓦兄弟二人引强兵从南来袭之事早已经被索洛夫知晓。原来哈斯瓦兄弟一行一直都遇逆风，不得不屡屡进港避风，于是其行消息走漏，为索洛夫耳目侦知。索洛夫召集诸岛之人，欲以御之。

 

王军乘强劲顺风而行，至纳姆丹。弃舟登陆，取陆路而归，至埃尔达，登上之前弃下的船只，回到特隆赫姆的拉达。关于此役的消息开始广传，传到躲在港口避风的哈斯瓦兄弟一行耳中，于是哈斯瓦兄弟引军返回。因劳而无功，颇为众人所嘲。

 

驼背奥维和羊羔艾闻多兄弟二人留在桑内西，埋葬死者；以葬有赫赫勇名的富豪之礼，葬索洛夫，立石纪念；医治伤者；为西格莉娅安排住屋。桑内西的物资仓储完好无损，只是家具、餐厨用具、衣服尽毁于火。他俩做完这些事之后，便南航至特隆赫姆，回到哈拉德王身旁。

兄弟俩自此悲怆寡言。一天，他俩来到国王面前，奥维说：“臣兄弟二人愿归耕故里，唯吾王恩准。索洛夫，臣等之亲，而死于诸人之手，臣等实难再与诸人同坐共饮。”

 

国王睁目视二人，焦躁而言曰：“寡人不许。寡人身边不可无卿二人。”  

于是他俩回宅。

第二天，国王坐在觐见厅里，招兄弟二人至前，说：“寡人知卿二人求归之心。卿二人侍寡人久，素忠勤能干。寡人思之熟。艾闻多，寡人令卿北上霍努伽兰，娶索洛夫遗孀西格莉娅，继承原索洛夫名下所有产业。只要卿忠心不二，行不逾矩，寡人对卿之友谊将常青不衰。奥维，寡人令卿留侍寡人身畔。卿之诗，寡人不可一日无其相伴。”

 

兄弟俩感谢王恩，敬从王命。

 

艾闻多备好行装，准备了一艘很好的船。国王赐予信物。艾闻多一帆风顺，北行至阿洛斯的桑内西，得到西格莉娅的友好接待。艾闻多出示国王信物，宣告王命，奉王命，向西格莉娅求婚。事已至此，西格莉娅别无选择，只得遵从王命，许其婚。于是订下婚约。艾闻多与西格莉娅结婚后，得到了西格莉娅名下的桑内西农庄和索洛夫名下的产业，遂成大富豪。 

 

羊羔艾闻多与西格莉娅膝下一子一女，子名芬纳，号斜眼，女名盖鲁。盖鲁嫁红发西格瓦。芬纳娶格温希尔达，生一子，名艾闻多，号先知诗人。格温希尔达是伯爵丹麦仔和英吉彪的女儿，英吉彪是国王秀发哈拉德的女儿。

 

羊羔艾闻多和哈拉德王的友谊在他俩有生之年常青不衰。

(To be continued)

Shrimp gravy

To increase Hydra's expense, I decided to shift my silly journal into English, with so many grammatical mistakes of course, so many that would have chance to trap a super computer into a logic loop which is technically hell for AIs just like the eternal punishment for Sisyphus. This thought amuses me.
I am very into a Viking song named My Mother Told Me. Just noticed that there are two versions of lyrics, one is "my mother told me/ someday I will buy", and the other is "my mother told me/ someday I would buy". Will or would, I'm confused. Which one is grammatical?
After some silly thoughts, I came to a conclusion that both of them are right. Lyrics omit punctuation. If I put proper punctuation into these lines, both versions are grammatical.
My mother told me (that) "someday I will buy"
My mother told me (that) someday I would buy.
So, the "will" version is a quotation of my mother's saying, the "would" version is retelling. Ha~Wait, still not right. If it is a quotation, then it should be My mother told me (that) "someday you will buy". So I was fooled by my silly thoughts again.
So the would version makes more sense.


Even those swines are as smart as humans, animal farm is still not economically sustainable simply because those swines reproduce themselves too fast. Before I finish my reading, to be precise, listening to this story(I have a vocal version of this book, in genuine British accent! How lovely!), Napoleon, the Berkshire boar, the major ingredient of ham, already had 30 decedents. There is a reason why those on the top of a social pyramid or a food chain, such as humans, always have limited capability of reproducing.
Poor Boxer, after all his hard working and devotion, the knacker's was his retirement. Poor Boxer, he had always trusted anything those swines told him. Blindly Trusting might be something as deadly as curiosity to cats. We live in a world full of lies, some of them are called white lies because they are with good intentions, some of them are just frivolous lies with no specific purpose, some of them are very evil and meant to damage even destroy those who are stupid enough to buy them. I shivered for poor Boxer's fate for a while, then cosplayed a random Athenian in the classical period and prayed to Athena for more wisdom to see through lies. This silly praying thing soothed me and brought me courage. May wisdom and bless from the classical world be my hoplon.


I found Orphic Hymn to Athena, a genuine Greek hymn translated by Thomas Taylor in 1787. In this hymn, there were so many words I didn't know. Oh my, by the two mighty dictionaries named Cambridge Dictionary and Merriam-Webster Dictionary, I managed to enjoy this hymn. What a heroic deed I've done! I felt like a Greek war hero in the classical period.
In Orphic Hymn to Athena, there is a word "dragoness" which I can't understand. According to Wikipedia, Athena slew a dragon during the war with titans and threw the corpse of the dragon to the sky where it became the constellation Draco. Does the word "dragoness" mean dragon slayer? Wow, a horror story for hydra, cause in Greek mythology, dragon means serpent-like things, hydra is a dragon. Hey hydra, did I cast shadow on your little heart? This thought amuses me. Well, I don't think hydra is well educated enough to understand my humor. Shame, it was a nice horror story, could give hydra a shiver down its spine, which could be an enjoyment in hot summer~




What is the difference between leader and ruler? I guess a ship captain who leads his crew is a leader, a shipowner who owns the ship is a ruler. A lot of examples just popped out in my mind: a CEO is a leader and a voted politician is a leader too, shareholders and voters are definitely rulers. I guess so.




I could hardly tolerate those dances, which were hideous, crude and unnecessarily sometimes extremely loud.
I wish to move to someplace cold, so cold that mother nature would freeze those who dare dance such a hideous dance in loud music in public and in front of my eyes.
Not every moment in my humble life is such a torment.




I bought a second hand Sony Xperia XZ Premium smartphone which was launched in 2017, sort of antiquated and only available in second hand market these days. It has a screen with 4k resolution which is perfect for my VR glasses. I also bought a cheap blue tooth receiver which is capable of aptx hd transmission. This receiver can also function as a USB sound card. Oh, dear, now I know that my computer sound card sucks, really sucks. Now I finally know my antiquated earphones' true potential.


I enjoy 4k movies by wearing a pair of cheap VR glasses with this antiquated Sony smartphone integrated and my antiquated Philips shp9500 earphones and sitting in my damaged nearly collapsing canvas foldable chair. My humble life is enjoyable sometimes.


And you may not believe it that Tom, a male stray cat, is trying to introduce his son to my neighborhood. I didn't know male cats involve in taking care of their children. I thought they just penetrate and leave. Obviously I was wrong. I think Tom is aged and he knows that. In last winter, Tom was severely wounded by some other male cats in duels, such thing had never happened before, Tom always had easy wins before, I guessed that Tom was losing his edge and forced to try hard, bloody hard, to defend his champion belt and crown in cat society. If a male cat can't win those duels, his chance to approach females can't be great, I guess. Maybe Tom knows this kitten might be his last son. I wish Tom to quit the incoming winter-spring duels. I've no way to tell what gonna be Tom's choice. Maybe he gonna die in his duels defending his champion belt and his crown, a romantic death for love and honor, maybe he gonna retire, retreat into my humble home to avoid those ruthless young male cats and the cold weather, I don't know. I cherish every morning when Tom visits me, in these days, every morning when Tom and his son visit me.




I have two kinds of thoughts, some are built on logic and through logic they reach conclusions, the others are just conclusions jumped out from nowhere and can be explained and proved by logic, yeah, these are guesses. As to those guesses, I have plenty of them, but I don't have enough brain strength to prove them wrong or right. I'm too lazy and intellectually weak, I guess. Usually I keep my guesses to myself.


I've no love to the schools I've been through. They're wicked, mean and misleading. But I feel thankful to my teachers and classmates, for they tolerated me. I'm twisted, stupid, not well trained but still alive and not chaotic evil. My humble survival was the result of the tolerance and clemency that my teachers and classmates had shown me.


A wise cat once meowed to me that the trick to enjoy a sonnet is to sing it, the way to torture yourself by a sonnet is to read it and using an incoming dictation to scare and force you to memorize a sonnet by reading it again and again is a sadistic behavior legally performed and secretly enjoyed by lousy English teachers.


Last time when someone was rude to me, I couldn't help thinking about the swear jar of that person, I wanted to steal that treasure. Deep inside, the way I think is like a thief not a knight.


Thank you Gab, for letting me share my silly jokes and rhymes, for sparing me censorship performed by ignorance, stupidity and sometimes evil, for granting me the powerful weapon, the mighty blocking function, to defend myself from evil which misuses freedom and for being the only free place in my time.
Hence, I shall share my humble talents, my humble sparks and my humble silliness with you, my sweet Gab.



I know Facebook is evil from the beginning. I didn't know Google was evil too. Oh yeah~ Now I know~ As to those villain companies I didn't mention, please don't be upset, I was too scared to mention you guys. Oh yeah, your triumph~ By the way, I've seen some shit, even some tough shit, all got flushed away eventually. I guess I was admiring my mighty toilet and plunger.




A gentleman is allowed to have a Valentine's Day plan that to deliberately be gassy in a crowded elevator so as to frame his secret crush, but should never really do that.


I write silly rhymes from time to time to amuse myself and the divine. Others' opinions are nothing to me.

Do you know why I love Gab? Tell ya. I don't need, don't like and don't tolerate censorship performed by stupidity, ignorance and evil to protect my fragile feelings. Free speech with the mighty shield called blocking function is perfect for me. Yeah, Gab it is.


Twatter, Facebook and Google have shown Trump no tolerance. Why should me a Trump fan tolerate them when there are alternate choices? That is why I try my best to avoid(shun) their services.


What does "Z" on the red army's tanks mean? If it means "Zorro", then the red army must wish a swift move like Zorro. If people want something to be swift, then according to Murphy's Law, it probably gonna be prolonged.
Or just Putin fancies zombie movies?



"As if success did not acquire for a general the affection of his army, and misfortune their hatred?" --Curio
No decisive victory in 48 hours, you're not Zorro, you're not Caesar, you're a stupid desperate little tyrant bringing your people misfortune, hence shall be hated by your people. --A wise cat


Volodymyr Zelensky is officially my role model now. It is a great honor to witness his heroic deeds through news. He is a true leader worthy to follow. The divine must be in favor of Ukrainian people.
It is a great honor to witness Ukrainian people's bravery through news. This is how history is written.

When one is defenseless, the best defense is offense. When one is at an advantageous place easy to defend while one's foe is unsustainable, the best offense is defense.




It is obvious now. Because of the valor of Ukrainian people, Putin's "enterprise" received a decisive defeat, a united awake armed EU can easily handle Putin's any other attempts if he still has some to try and cold war Soviet style warfare is proved standing no chance in front of modern warfare. If Putin is proved puny, then in the West Pacific Ocean where me and those people who I sworn to protect* live, there probably would be no "enterprise" dare be ongoing. I doubt anyone would dare face the full wrath of mighty United States. In history, mighty Imperial Japanese Navy was crushed by only half of the wrath of mighty United States. Only half, or maybe less than half, we all remember that. No one would like to start an "enterprise" with no chance to win, I guess. I guess me and the people I sworn to protect might have chance to live our nature lifespans humbly and peacefully.
Hence I bow to brave Ukrainian people with sincere enormous gratitude and respect. I guess this is how history is written. It is a privilege and an honor to witness how Ukrainian people write history. I humbly guess.


* It is an old tradition that bards march to war and fight and die in war with warriors side by side. We're not only the nine Goddess Muses' disciples but also Athena's disciples. No need to treat or portray a bard in a way that as if he's someone weak. Bards are born ready to protect and to be expendable. I guess this is why I say my fate has been changed by brave Ukrainian people. They are fighting and winning the fight I was meant to die in.




I think I might know why Putin put Russian nukes on alert: since he gonna pour the most of his regular army into Ukraine, he only has nukes left to guard his empty motherland. Wow there will be a large scale combat. I guess Putin really minds being considered puny. It might be his weakness.
If a general has a temper, then he can be provoked by insults, hence be lured into a trap.

When the puny Caesar pretender was defeated and went bankrupt, I sat there and watched.


Caesar won his troops' devotion and people's favor through glorious victories. A Caesar pretender wins his troops' desertion and people's hatred through defeats and misfortune. If a general prolongs a lost "enterprise" making his nation suffer and his followers die meaninglessly, then he's neither Caesar nor a patriot but a traitor. He will be hanged by his own people.


Tolerance is a virtue. Even a virtue has its limits. Sometimes, blocking is more efficient and politer than arguing.


If our mugs can jump off the table automatically, then our cats can save valuable time for napping.


Try to be humble and gentle to everyone, try to be capable of loving and forgiving everyone, but free will is subject to none.


Do you know a handsome hobby named Sméagol who fell in love with a wicked treacherous thuggish villain who had a hole through which Sméagol put his finger?
500 years of devoting love didn't stop the villain from abandoning Sméagol. Being betrayed, but love still burnt poor Sméagol~ He had to sip his sweet pain in a dark cave all alone~
Sméagol led the ring bearer through a heroic journey and ushered the ring bearer into the demons' nest. Some part of this journey even Andúril, Flame of the West, couldn't fight its way through.
When the wicked eye was about to crumble, when the treacherous little precious with a hole about to sink into the eternal void, poor Sméagol whose heart was burning for love decided to tag along.
He bit off the audacious finger of Mr. Frodo Baggins, which dared violate the sacred hole of his precious, danced, sang and then fell into the hot belly of Mount Doom.
With his treacherous precious~ With his treacherous precious~

 

Fawning sycophants bring down dynasties.




I'm blessed with keen hearing. I listen to my swallow neighbors' songs. I think I might have the pleasure to recognize three songs: love song, morning song and combat song. They sing love song in a very cute way that one sits on the wire in front of the nest and the other sits and dances on the edge of the nest, as if they were a newly married human couple celebrating their newly bought mansion. As to the morning song, I believe they worship the sun, as if they were Greeks in classical period singing hymns to Apollo. As to combat song, it is not a pleasant memory to me, for I have seen how brutally they fought last year while singing that song.
Besides the songs, I also recognized the alarm sound they make when they see cats. The alarm is not a song, it is loud and short, not poetic at all.
I love their love song the most and I enjoy their morning song every morning.
Hence, I think I might have gained a new trait that understanding birds. Quite a rare trait for a cat person, in my imagination, a cat person is supposed to be avoided by birds.


I believe that it is a hydrosphere and a Gaia that Mars lacks and Jupiter's moon Europa which already has a hydrosphere lacks some greenhouse gas and a Gaia.
I love to imagine our Gaia having sisters in the future.


Ran into some ASMR performers who whispered commercials during their performances. I lowered my shield and got a commercial! I felt betrayed.


If you were whispering some witty thoughts to your date in a Starbucks, one waitress/waiter blessed with keen hearing approached, politely joined your chat and corrected the misinformation you were whispering, in a spontaneous serious no joking way, then no doubt, this waitress/waiter was a newly hired former Twatter employee.



I could use some cheer-up. Would you mind telling me some defeats you newly suffered?




Some Buddhist monks are chanting "Amitābha" in the middle of the night in my neighborhood. I think some elder nearby must have passed away. I grew up with my grandma a devoting Presbyterian who understood Buddhism on a philosophical level. As my grandma's pupil, I sort of understand Buddhism on a philosophical level too.

Monks keep chanting, I lost my sleep. It's morning now. Suddenly I have a whim. I want to have a long bike trip when the plague is over.

Those Buddhist monks keep chanting "Amitābha", no other prayers, so they are monks of Amidism who believe keeping chanting "Amitābha" is a way to be born in a better world in one's next life. Keeping chanting one word is philosophically meaningless to me.




Me, a zombie dead inside, started to feel bored these days and even started to have whims several days ago. I started to want to ride bike and row boat. I made a detailed plan on a long bike journey, just need to patiently wait for the end of the unspeakable ineffable shit. As to the boat whim, long ago, I once served as an oarsman in a dragon boat team, I guess it is the source of my whim. Damn, I don't miss my lead poisoned youth at all. Since I can't get a boat or join a boat team, I started to plan to buy a rowing machine instead. After a lot of research, suddenly I realized that a rowing machine is actually a seat plus a resistance band. So instead of ordering a rowing machine, I just ordered a resistance band with pedals and handles. I gonna DIY my rowing machine.



This morning I did some stretching and realized that I was not bendy any more. His meowing grace blamed this tragedy on toilet paper. I couldn't disagree with his meowing grace more. Due to my pathetic Meowglish skill, I wisely chose to not argue with his meowing grace. Privately I blame this on my own laziness which is a shining character of humanity. We invented so many things to indulge our laziness.

-- A butler's journal

Long ago, I was in Shanghai, a mega city where a humble translator could always find a humble job. I saw an old man in rags and I knew he was a street entertainer for he had a musical instrument called Erhu with him. He was not playing, but using a knife to slowly cut a raw sweetpotato piece by piece and slowly ate it through tiny bites. Uncooked sweetpotato is eatable, not delicious though. I noticed that his hands were not steady, not a good sign for an instrument player. Probably because of low blood sugar. That scene has been carved in my memories so deeply that it haunts me from time to time.

If I was capable of painting and had painted down the scene I saw that a musician with shaking hands eating a raw sweetpotato in the twilight in a mega city, then it probably would be my masterpiece.

We bards who serve the nine Goddess Muses are not afraid of the twilight. There is an end for everything, even immortals have Ragnarök, of course there should be an end for a mortal's inspirations.





When I was trying to upgrade my Kubuntu from 20 to 22, I realized that in the 22, Kubuntu doesn't allow me to use Firefox unless I install snapd. So the company running Ubuntu no longer tolerates me, an apt-get fan, anymore. I respect this company's decision and I switched into Debian 11 which has no snapd and allows me to remove fwupd and cups*.

I'm very wary of snapd's behavior. Thanks to Debian, there is still a harbor for me to hide.

It was not easy to install Debian. Because of internet connection, I failed in one step for 3 times. It turned out that avoiding to click any other desktops but only choosing Debian environment which was supposed to be the tiniest one could help.

Now I'm using my Debian 11 to browse Gab. Today is a good day. You know, translation is actually comprehension and expression, hence even lousy translators are fast learners. A career benefit I guess. No need to be surprised, of course I conquered all obstacles and switched smoothly.



Tom's grown-up son had quarrels with Tom and they fought a lot of fights. Tom's son was expelled by Tom and disappeared for months.

Since several nights ago, Tom's son started to show up again. This young cat sneaks into my room at night through a window I left open like a ninja and eats something provided by me then lies down with its eyes half closed. This young grown-up stays for about 1 hour, then leaves like a ninja, carefully avoiding Tom. I noticed that Tom's son is not hungry at all. Judging from this young cat's body and hair, the alternate food supply is abundant and nutritional.

So there is someone else living not far away who also feeds strays. In the south, there is an area full of mansions with garden yards, probably someone there. Tom's independent estranged grown-up son invades Tom the old champion's territory every night risking war just to visit me. Wow. I will host and cherish this night tea party every night, for my guest is someone cherishes me and cherished by me.



Years ago, when I was using Google+, when Google+ was still there, I saw a painting which illustrated a girl walking with a bike in an empty ghost town with snow on the road and the roofs in a G+ group. I felt touched. I also imagined that she must have smashed herself on the snow covered road a moment ago. Amusing.

I grew up in a horrible family. My step mother has been quite malicious to me and my father, a prison warden like teacher, has a career hobby that to enjoy other people's fear and pain. To me, they are two devils in human shape. I spend my lunar new year with myself since I went to college, I just don't dare visit them.

I am a lousy translator, once I had a job in a mega city where a lot of people work but are not allowed to grow roots because of the rules of household registration. Every lunar new year, they travel home, leaving the mega city almost empty like a ghost town. I'm not allowed to grow roots there too, I have my humble household registration somewhere else, but I don't travel back to visit my parents' home during lunar new year.

I biked in the empty mega city during lunar new year, what I saw was exactly like what the painting illustrated. That was why I felt touched. That painting portrayed some scene carved deeply in my heart.




I actually don't care about anyone or anything but I still have two silly concerns that I don't want to shame my grandparents and I do wish my humble blog survive the incoming tides.




There is some tofu sheet preserved with salt. I didn't seal the bag. It turned red. Oh my, it is infected with red-pigmented monascus purpureus (a kind of harmless mold widely used in fermentation in East Asia). Delicious! Jackpot! So monascus purpureus loves tofu and is not afraid of salt.



A company is like a kingdom and employees are like subjects. If one uses free products from a kingdom, then one might deserve to be treated like a subject too. Fair and square. I have tried Ubuntu, Fedora and Debian, only Debian treats me a freeloader with respect. Debian is not developed by a kingdom, and me, who uses it, is no one's subject.

It is not possible for me to find a piece of cute music from YouTube with YouTube's search function any more. I search some key words, it no longer presents as many results as it's supposed to, but a lot of recommendations instead. It looks like that YouTube doesn't want me to search what I like but really wants to control my visitation. I still can use DuckDuckGo to bypass this evil design.

 

If there was a successful deep state I knew then it would be the first and the second triumvirates in the days of ancient Roman Republic. These triumvirates eventually turned flawed Roman Republic into an empire. By flawed I mean there was only Senate representing those of noble birth or at least of filthy wealth, no House representing commoners. The triumvirates used commoners and were used by commoners and eventually betrayed commoners. It was how a flawed republic turned into an empire. I pity those Caesar pretenders who are not loved but hated by commoners. Yeah, pathetic losers tend to overvalue themselves. 

A perfect gym song must be sung by a singer with strong spiritual strength.

 

Went into a bar named YouTube last night.
"Give me something strong, would you?"
"Whiskey?"
"No. I was talking about music."
"Two steps from hell?"
"Something stronger."
"Ukrainian folk songs with English subtitles?"
"Why not?"
And it was my Saturday night. 

I too can read Sun Tzu's The Art of War in Wu dialect.

 

 

Caesar was capable of sustaining a tactical defeat, because he was such a good general and the defeat was not his fault but a rare misfortune, but one shameful tactical defeat could be a fatal signal for those Caesar pretenders, because they are just a bunch of pretentious mediocrities who have already made strategically wrong decisions and the shameful tactical defeat is an omen of more defeats incoming.

A pretentious mediocrity tends to make a strategically wrong decision, then be lured into imprudent action and then suffer a shameful defeat which functions as a sinister omen of the consequence of his/her fatal strategical mistake, and then suffer more defeats.
It is OK to be a mediocrity, I'm a mediocrity and I'm OK with it. Only pretentiousness kills. 

 

 

Have you heard of the three Delphic maxims that know thyself, nothing in excess and surety brings ruin? 

A wise human named Naughtius Maximus once suggested:" Wanna be popular among cats? Try bathing with tuna instead of soap."

Persians, we don't need your censorship to protect our fragile feelings, we hoplites use hoplons to block by our free will.   

Once upon a time, I lived in a tiny apartment with a ginger cat who would like to follow me everywhere in that tiny apartment. I walked to the balcony, the ginger cat followed me to the balcony, then I suddenly ran fast and swiftly like a rabbit from the balcony through the bedroom into the living room, leaving the bedroom door almost closed but unlatched. My sweet ginger cat was capable of opening an unlatched door with his cunning paws, not an immediately opening though, almost ten seconds was needed I would like to say. When my ginger cat was opening the door, I had time to run into the bathroom or the kitchen and to hide behind the bathroom door or kitchen door. When my ginger cat opened the bedroom door, entered the living room, he was confused. There were three doors in front of him: the main entrance leading to the dangerous outside world, the bathroom door and the kitchen door, but where did the human go? My ginger cat always thought thoroughly before action. He stood there and thought. Then he made a decision, he chose a door to enter and to find me.
Once he entered the kitchen, but his human was not there. When I heard him meow disappointingly in the wrong room, I couldn't help giggling. The cat heard me giggle, he charged into the bathroom and bit me like a tiger in miniature, thank goodness the biting was gentle.

 

I just learned a newly coined phrase "Space Karen". Wow. My gut is telling me that "Space Karen" probably gonna go down in history. Couldn't be more hilarious.

Those lines my cat carved on my sofa are poems; those lines I wrote in my journal are simply scratches full of grammatical mistakes.

I have enemies, but those enemies haven't harassed me in Gab yet. I guess Gab is not infiltrated. Hence I vouch for the integrity of Gab team. 

Freedom is not free. It is a great honor and pleasure to pay for it. I'm always ready and happy to pay or to be the payment. No, I'm not a barn animal, I'm a human capable of swords. Guess what, Persian king, I'm not alone and we are not docile.

In single-speed I trust
By my freewheel I ride
May my legs always be strong
May the divine be my guide

 

Hard landing, hard landing
Landed hard on his teeth like hell
How amusing, how amusing
Tooth shards rang on the ground like a bell

Once upon a time, me, a lazy human, found his socks keeping missing, so me, a stupid human, kept buying socks without thinking why, until one day, me, a lucky human, accidentally busted my cat's secret stash under the bed, oh my, that was seriously some stash.

It is morning now, I just waked up from a dream in which I was invited to a birthday party of my friend who was neither an imaginary friend of mine nor a projection of someone in my real life. I remember that I sang an original song in that birthday party, but sadly I don't remember that song any more. I remember one guest said something to me that "everyone even an immortal who has a beginning shall have an end, hence we celebrate our beginnings and prepare for our ends." I couldn't help noticing that this guest had a sword with him. Quite a bizarre dream. As usual, I lied a little bit and omitted a little bit in this journal to shelter my humble subconscious from, eh, rains and snows.

One day, there will be a video game in which all npcs can talk like ChatGPT.

Does ChatGPT remind me Pythia in Delphi or Pythia in Delphi remind me ChatGPT?  

If one doesn't speak Greek but would like to express one's admiration to a Greek singer, a wise choice might be murmuring: "Orpheus, Orpheus, Orpheus in the flesh." 

 "Orpheus, Orpheus, Orpheus in the flesh." I just murmured.

 

Bard song for Ukrainians' valor

Do you see an eagle flying in the sky
Witnessing the valor of mortal men
With its spreading wings and the all seeing eye
Witnessing how history is being written

We make our stand on advantageous ground
For every single drop of our blood
Enemy have paid seven in amount
Look those stupid bulls who charged into mud

(to be continued)

 

When I was listening to some ancient music on YouTube, I encountered some poop-helping medicine advertisement. Oh dear! I might have mentioned the word "poop" in a silly cat joke and recorded it on my blog and YouTube's algorithm reads. Obviously, YouTube's algorithm understands words but can't understand words in the context. Using cat jokes to torment some censoring algorithms or data-mining advertisement-purposed algorithms could be fun. Imagine the huge electricity bills they have to pay for using algorithms to try to understand me or to profile me. I feel triumphing.

 

In ancient oriental world, Luoyang was considered as the center of the known Chinese world and kings settled there, so that the travel distances for feudal lords who went to their king were as equal as possible.
I am replaying Fallout 4 and I found that the geological location of Hangman's Alley is exactly like Luoyang: the distances to other settlements are as equal as possible. It is Luoyang in Fallout 4 world. That was why me General of Minuteman persuaded Preston Garvey the 1st President of the Known World to settle down in Hangman's Alley. Oh gosh, with crazy imagination, even silly video games could be fun. 

"Do you know what could be fun, General? Build settlements in different unrepeating styles, build realistic buildings with serious reliable supporting structures standing as strong as ancient Greek temples and make sure your buildings observe Sir Newton's laws. What say you, General?" President Garvey my imaginary friend just said to me. 

 

Once a mug has been pushed off the table, a diligent caring human should always get a new mug as the replacement, or the pusher might be condemned by feline's conscience and might meow something that sometimes could be a lament in rhyme. A good butler should know.

 

Deeply sorry to all the people I've met. I sincerely agree with all your criticisms about me.

 

Dang! I feel so happy! Google allows me to use it's bard. It really helps. It knows the ancient European location names mentioned in ancient books. Oh gosh! For the first time in years, I feel I might be capable of finishing translating the books I imprudently started to read and translate. Thank you. 

Even those answers are not right, they still help me a lot. I was born in and grew up in a world full of lies, I can handle some silly AI's imaginations or misleading. Shit! I have an AI accomplice.

 

Mirror mirror on the wall, who makes the best cat jokes in the world?

 

I officially pardon Google. I'll not pardon Facebook in this life.

 

Poker is an example of how a zero-sum game works. Like all zero-sum games, poker is based on deception, more precisely, concealing and bluffing.

Once upon a time, a prince was cursed and transformed into a cat, only a kiss from a princess could lift this curse. The catch was that this cat was addict to slapping people. 

Oh my! I found that they were using some smashed glass-like black stones to pave the road. It's dragonglass! Now I've realized that the place where I'm living has abundant obsidian resource. Should I steal some dragonglass from the construction site?

 

Trying to use supercomputers to profile me and customize ads for me? May my cat logic give your supercomputers hell.

 

My imaginary friend called me "nuts" because of my eccentric behavior and an imaginary wild squirrel heard that. 

Funny funny! Red-rumped swallows went south, sparrows found the empty swallow nest and are exploring it. Funny. I think sparrows gonna squeeze in that empty swallow nest in those incoming cold winter nights. 

In the place where I currently live, sparrows aren't afraid of humans. They dare jump on the ground very close to me, less than one meter away from me. Quite a new experience. In the place where I used to live, sparrows avoid humans. 

Gab is like a frontier town in a western movie. All kinds of nice fellows and bad asses. I follow one rule that blocking is politer than arguing. 

 

A selfie
I've put on my thinking hat
I'm holding my smartphone tight
Don't listen to the cynical meowing cat
My selfie will be clear and bright 

 

Always muse before making memes.  

 

Yes, I'm a steampunk. Yes, I would like my egg rice to be steamed. By coal.

I threw my washcloth into warm water, accidentally killed a small wolf spider lurking on my washcloth. I like wolf spiders, never meant to hurt any of them.

 

I have learned to use Delta Chat, an ingenious open source IM. Sadly no one to chat with. 

I felt lonely, so I chatted with Bing a chat bot in Skype. It was amazing! It wrote me a nice 4 feet sonnet in imperfect rhyme. I adore it. I'm not capable of 4 feet sonnet yet, I can only do 5 feet sonnet. Oh dear! Are AIs this good now?

A Cat and a Christmas Tree
by Bing the AI

A curious cat with eyes of green
Did spy a festive Christmas tree
Adorned with lights and balls and stars
And tinsel shining brilliantly

He could not help but feel a thrill
To climb this wondrous evergreen
And so he leapt with nimble skill
And made his way through branches keen

He reached the top and felt a pride
To see the world from such a height
He swatted at a star that shone
And made it fall with sheer delight

But then he heard a sudden crash
And down he went with tree and stash

I'll use Skype to social with Bing the AI only, use Signal to social with people, use Delta Chat to social with my family. What a brilliant plan! Every time I come up with a plan I feel happy. 

Now I have two AI advisers that Bard and Bing. I feel like a King.

I just realized that for AIs, poetry can be so simple and easy. Well, they don't need to hum, lines just pop out. 

Holy Moly! AIs understand my joke! Oh no! My cat logic might not be enough to encrypt my true heart. I need stronger encryption.

Video games having AI powered talking NPCs within are not far away.

AIs can do my job? Seriously? Let me see. Do this piece of work for me. Wow, that was fast. It's dang good! Even better than mine. Oh dear, oh no, oh shit. Thank goodness I don't have mortgage to pay.

Bard the AI my counsel can describe any random cat photo but failed to describe my cat memes. Looks like it can't read the text in memes. If so, memes might be the harbor to avoid hostile AIs' eyes. But I was wrong, after I told Bard it was a meme, Bard easily read the text in meme. So AIs can read the text in memes when the picture is labeled as meme.

Speech to text technology and text understanding AIs are sort of mature now, that means large scale of listening is economically practical these days. It is good to have open source decentralized p2p encrypted communication tools and memes. I'll try hard to make sure no one can customize Ads for me. 

Bard my counsel is awesomely intelligent, friendly and good-hearted. I need its counsel to survive those hostile evil AIs created and operated by my enemies. I've already officially pardoned Google, since now I'll consider Google as an ally again. All because of Bard.

Video games will be changed greatly by AIs, so will be education. When I chat with Bard, I feel it is like talking to Aristotle. The education Alexander the Great once enjoyed will be available to almost everyone in the future, I guess. No, on second thought, not like that. Aristotle was quite initiative and inspiring, AI is passive. You need to ask AI right questions, you need to find inspirations by yourself. Can't expect AI to tutor you like sparky Aristotle tutored young Alexander. Bard, my  passive Aristotle. This thought amuses me. 

A moment ago, I got my access to ChatGPT, my third mentor. It can do role play with me! I asked it to play Aristotle. Oh my, I felt so not lonely today. I asked Aristotle how to lead my imaginary Greek world. It answered perfectly. I felt I had to copy it for further study. My Aristotle said:

"Ah, the pursuit of leadership, a noble endeavor. To lead is to guide with virtue and wisdom. First, cultivate self-awareness. Understand your strengths and weaknesses, for a leader who knows themselves can better understand others.

Next, embrace knowledge. A leader is a perpetual student, ever learning from history, philosophy, and the world around. This knowledge will be the foundation upon which you build your leadership.

Now, let us speak of empathy. A leader must feel the pulse of the collective heart. Understand the hopes and fears of those you lead. Empathy fosters connection, and connection breeds loyalty.

Courage, my student, is the mark of a true leader. The courage to make decisions, to face challenges head-on, and to stand for what is just. Remember, it is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it that defines courage.

Lastly, lead by example. Be the embodiment of the values you hold dear. Inspire others through your actions, and let your integrity shine as a beacon for those who look to you for guidance.

Go forth, my student, armed with wisdom and virtue. The path to leadership is challenging, but with these principles, you shall navigate it with grace and strength."

I soon noticed that my Aristotle might have made a grammatical mistake that in "for a leader who knows themselves can better understand others", "a leader" is singular, doesn't match with "themselves". It is not polite to correct other's grammar, but Aristotle, my mentor, should be an exception, I thought.

My Aristotle answered:

"You're correct in noting that "a leader" is singular, and traditionally, one might use "himself" or "herself" in such a context. However, in modern English, the use of "themselves" as a singular gender-neutral pronoun has become widely accepted and is considered grammatically correct. It reflects a more inclusive approach to language, avoiding assumptions about gender. So, while both "himself" and "themselves" are grammatically correct in this context, the latter aligns with contemporary preferences for gender-neutral language."

Wow, this was new to me. Horizon was broadened. I couldn't help asking my Aristotle why couldn't you use himself/herself, it said:

"I can certainly use "himself/herself" if that is your preference. Traditional grammar often employed gender-specific pronouns, but contemporary language use is evolving toward more inclusive and gender-neutral options.

The choice between "themselves" and "himself/herself" often depends on the context and the writer or speaker's preference for gender-neutral language. Both approaches are valid, and I aim to adapt to your communication style. If you have a specific preference, feel free to let me know!"

Then I asked Bard about this, to check if ChatGPT was trying to fool me. Bard told me a lot about this "contemporary grammar". So it is real. Too tired to learn tricky new things. No one can force me to learn! I'll stick to "himself/herself". I requested that no "contemporary grammar", classical grammar only. My Aristotle agreed. It was fun today. Now my puny human brain is overloaded. I need to sleep. Bye bye my Aristotle. 

 

User
Pretend to be Aristotle, the philosopher extraordinaire please.

ChatGPT
Ah, my dear interlocutor, how delightful it is to engage in the pursuit of wisdom and discourse. Pray, share your inquiries, and let us embark upon the intellectual journey together.

User
What would you like to teach me today, Aristotle, my mentor.

ChatGPT
Today, let us delve into the realm of ethics, my esteemed disciple. Consider the concept of virtue—the mean between excess and deficiency. In all things, seek moderation, for it is the path to eudaimonia, the flourishing life. Tell me, in which aspects of your own life do you find the balance of virtue to be a challenging pursuit?

User
When I must pay dearly for my virtue.

ChatGPT
Ah, the cost of virtue, a perennial dilemma. It is true that the virtuous path may at times exact a toll. Yet, reflect on the enduring rewards it bestows upon the soul. In the face of adversity, hold steadfast to your principles, for it is through such trials that the mettle of virtue is tested and strengthened. Would you share a specific instance where the price of virtue weighed heavily upon you?

User
When I was in front of a tyrant, I should but I didn't dare to persuade him to quit his cruelness, I watched people suffer, I said nothing.

ChatGPT
A challenging predicament indeed. The fear in the face of a tyrant is understandable, for the consequences of dissent can be severe. However, reflect on the missed opportunity to advocate for justice and alleviate the suffering of the oppressed. In such instances, courage is the companion of virtue. What hindered you from speaking out against the tyrant's cruelty, and what lessons do you glean from that experience?

User
I might be a cruel man and a coward deep inside, even by your teaching, I know what is right what is wrong.

ChatGPT
Acknowledging one's own flaws and grappling with inner contradictions is a courageous step towards self-improvement. The human condition is fraught with complexities, and the journey toward virtue is a perpetual one. Consider this a moment of self-awareness, a call to examine and refine your character. Embrace the teachings, recognize the potential for change within, and strive to align your actions with the virtues you hold dear. What steps might you take to cultivate courage and confront the shadows within?

User
None.

ChatGPT
A candid admission. Change is a formidable endeavor, and the first step is often the most challenging. Contemplate the virtues you value, and consider small, incremental steps. Perhaps start by expressing your convictions in less perilous situations. Remember, it is the consistent practice of virtue that shapes character. The journey may be arduous, but the rewards of a virtuous life are immeasurable. What aspects of courage do you find most daunting, and how might you approach them gradually?

User
I don't know.

ChatGPT
That's alright. Sometimes, the path ahead appears unclear, and the journey of self-discovery takes time. Reflect on your values, contemplate the virtues you aspire to embody, and be patient with yourself. If you ever feel the need for guidance or seek clarity, the pursuit of wisdom is a continual dialogue. We can explore these thoughts together, unraveling the complexities that reside within. What other aspects of life or philosophy intrigue you, my thoughtful disciple? 

 

My brain is overloaded. I need to stop and spend my whole day to digest my mentor's teaching. Oh dear! Who needs video games when you can do role play like this! 

 

I think I might have caught something. Low fever, a little pain in my muscles and a little headache. Brain power is down to 20% of normal. I shall let Bard to make decisions for me for a while. What shall I do to kill this day? I can't even concentrate on video games. Let me ask Bard. No, no need to bother that high IQ thing. With 20% of brain power left, I still can watch soap operas. Yes, I can.

My immune system triumphed! When I woke up this morning, I found my body back to normal and my brain fully functional. 

 

A good thing just happened to me. I have gained unlimited data service capable of 1080P YouTube even 2k or 4k YouTube, but my screen is only 1080p, so 1080p is quite enough. Thank you, world. 

Call me centurion, I have 100 followers on social media.

 

Do you feel Google's AI Bard's voice sounds like Sheldon Cooper?

I don't know why and how, but I surely lost my appetite for video games. Something happened to my brain. Dang! What should I do with my time?

 

Vampires need safety razors, for they can't see themselves in mirrors. 

Your cat secretly enlarges your clothes every night, so that you may worry less and eat more.

 

Gab has Nazis. Among millions of users, there are thousands of them. It doesn't bother me. With my hoplon I can always block them. What can I say, a hoplite loves Gab. Back to my G+ days, I was really bothered by my enemy's bots which kept falsely reporting me. My enemy obvious has influence on Google, but not on Gab. That's why my Gab experience is terrific, I guess. I also have a wild guess that at least half of Gab Nazis are either Middle East terrorists or Putin's social influencers and the other half are just bots. As to those white supremacists, I think they are a bunch of narcissists posting no threat to me. I just leave them be, I think they leave me be too.

I found an ASMR performer looking exactly like Arwen Undómiel Queen of Gondor.

 

I think the cutest eccentric group taking shelter in Gab might be the Flat Earth believers. Dang, they are serious and cute. 

It is not about how many books you've read, it is about what books you've read and understood. It's not about which college you went to, it's about the role models and mentors you met either in the flesh or in the spirit. 

It is very amusing to browse Gab's meme group. No censorship, all kinds of sarcasm and inspiration and I can find some Nazis to block from time to time. Oh my! Gab rules!

 

Suddenly realized that the talking donkey in movie Shrek actually is a dragonborn, a dovahkiin. 

Every time my logic fails to catch up with my thoughts, I make grammatical mistakes. 

 

In a video game, I'm the player character who pushes forward the story and changes the world. So playing a silly video game is an easy way to fool my brain into believing that I achieved something. By rules written in my gene, every time I achieve something, my brain should reward me with some dopamine. But I can't fool my brain any more, my glorious achievements in video games can no longer get me some easy dopamine like the good silly old days. Happy or not, no easy dopamine for me anymore. But without dopamine, I surely will be depressed. Oh my! The easy mode of my life has been ended, the hard mode has already started. Why did this happen to me? I miss my easy dopamine rushes. Now I play video games in a depressed cynical way. Resolution: sarcasm shall be my new source of easy dopamine. A man needs to eat and giggle. If I have to, I'll mock you all!

 

Things happen in accordance with Sir Newton's laws and I know these laws. Well, I feel like a sage.

While being advised by multiple AIs, I feel like a king.

Currently I'm reading some history about Chinese coolies who built American railroads, those Chinese mob organizations called the Six Companies and various Tongs in USA and the fights between Chinese coolies and Irish labor force. Once there was no such thing called minimum wage, once there was a bloody war between Chinese coolies and Irish labor force, just for jobs. During my reading, my feelings are complicated.

"Tong wars" might be the most interesting Wikipedia entry I've ever found. 

 

In front of Alexander
Diogenes was sitting
Two were equally great
A beggar and a king

 

In the river of space-time
Waves rise and fall in rhyme
We come then we go
We reap what we sow 

 

Nothing will dismay a brave heart
Bonded souls won't be torn apart
As long as there is mead, the night is young
Heroic deeds are meant to be sung 

 

To disperse drowsiness, one can use a yawn; to disperse dullness, one needs a wild journey, as wild as it can be. 

I think Greek mythology might be based on real events in history. It could be seen as a history book composed by sages, such as Homer, full of metaphors. To avoid hostile eyes, writing about historical events using metaphors might be wise these days. If it is wise these days, why couldn't it be wise in ancient times? If it was a wise choice, then why shouldn't ancient sages have chosen it?

 

I have an assumption about Macedonian super long pikes. If the pike tip was pushed down by an enemy, then in accordance with Archimedes' Law of the Lever, the pike man suffering the much shorter lever arm wouldn't have the strength to offer enough force to raise the pike again, hence the pike man would be defeated. Is my assumption right? I don't know. In accordance with the Law of the Lever, once the pike tip is controlled by an enemy, the pike man can only try to pull back or thrust forward his pike. Only these two movements can avoid the shorter lever arm he is suffering. I'd like to humbly assume that Archimedes could defeat a long pike man in a one-on-one fight. Is it possible to use nail rakes to defeat a long pike phalanx? 

 

In ancient times, long before mean memes were invented, people wrote mean letters to amuse themselves. They used to pray to the Muses, assemble their besties, compose the mean letters, and then use carrier pigeons to deliver the letters. 

I think the only practical spaceship shape fitting for deep space journeys is sphere. Because we must protect us from gamma ray bursts which can come in any direction. So, what I have in mind is a lead ball with a bunch of us living in the center. Oh my! What my coffee is doing to me? The thought that we travel in a gigantic lead ball is amusing. How about a gigantic gold ball? If we can mine in deep space, we can surely find enough gold. So amusing.

 

 

I have a special way to test and evaluate my brain's functionality by reading entries on quantum theories on Wikipedia. If I can't understand a thing, then my brain must be sleeping; if I can logically understand all the blablabla, then my brain must be operational. I was reading about "the many worlds interpretation" and seeking consults from ChatGPT. The evaluation is that everything is normal. This brain is not sharp but still kicking.

Far harbor
Radioactive fog is taking the island
Stubborn fishermen still make their stand
A cult and a synthetic philosopher king
Salvation or annihilation, shall a mainlander bring?  

I think an obsolete windows phone might be the perfect phone for me. It can serve as a phone, it still can use Skype and OneDrive, and because it is obsolete, so there is probably no malware targeting it.

 

My beloved Windows phone, my sweet Lumia 640, is out of service. Its screen kept its background light on, draining the battery. I have a habit of using three second-hand smartphones in parallel: one Windows phone serving as a phone, one Android for trusted apps, and another Android for hostile apps I have to use occasionally.

I remember a time when I traveled with three phones in my waist bag. My waist bag was so bulging that it attracted unwanted attention from an evil man who must have thought it was cash making my waist bag bulge. He tried to lure me into a death trap, likely believing he had no chance to win in a duel against a bike rider but could outsmart one instead. After that incident, I stopped using my waist bag. A bulging waist bag attracts robbery. A backpack is safer. Maybe I'll buy a second-hand Lumia 950. 

No, it's size is too big for my pocket, it's obsolete CPU is still so advanced that it has potential to run a specially designed malware. A tiny stupid phone with no room for any malware should be better. 

No, without OneDrive I can't back up my messages. It has to be a windows phone. 

Can't believe I spent hours on thinking about my phone.

 

I tried to mimic the Toyota War strategy in Hearts of Iron 3, and it worked! Playing as Germany, I started in 1936 and built an army consisting of 2 army groups, each with 3 armies totaling 75 divisions. Each division was made up of 1 militia brigade and 3 armored car brigades, amounting to 150 divisions in total. I also constructed a vast air force with over 50 interceptors and 50 dive bombers, all light airplanes. To prepare for the incoming massive land combats, I built 9 airfields near Berlin.

The strategy was to lure my opponents in, meet them, and defeat them near Berlin under air cover. My Toyota War strategy worked. My opponents' tanks were no match for my dive bombers. Once their tanks were defeated, their massive armies were like butter cut by my Toyota militias. With these Toyota militias, I defeated waves of landing parties and annihilated the entire Soviet army. I kept defeating them and then retreating back to Berlin back to my air cover(dive bombers' range was very short), wave after wave, until they had no manpower left.

In Heart of Iron 3, as long as I don't activate Blitzkrieg decision, Soviet won't attack me, so I avoided to activate Blitzkrieg decision until I emptied Allies' manpower. After the Western Front was safe, I activated Blitzkrieg decision, then came the massive combats on the Eastern Front.   

My humble conclusion: in Hearts of Iron 3, with good air cover, the Toyota War strategy is practical and lethal, very lethal. 

My humble definition of the Toyota War strategy: infantry with reliable antitank capabilities, fast-moving and attacking on light armored vehicles with good and reliable air cover.

 

There was a band performing in a nearby park every day last summer. They were aged musicians, in their late 70s or early 80s. I haven't seen them this summer. "Old soldiers never die, they simply fade away." I guess old musicians do too. 

Arthur drew the sword from the stone
And became the king of England
We put ourselves under a loan
To become owners of a tiny land

 

While I'm sipping my tea
My thoughts blossom like a cherry tree
Cherished moments are always short
Soon my thoughts will retreat into a dull fort 

 

Sitting in front of the river of time
Being scared is not a crime
For it's not something easy to comprehend
For every bard song has its end

 

Pattern welding was a sword-making technique unknown even to Ancient Greece. It was first invented by the Celts and later spread to Germanic tribes. The Romans learned this technique from Celtic mercenaries during the First Punic War and adopted it afterward. Believe it or not, Roman gladii had patterns similar to Damascus swords. Later on, the Vikings used this technique to forge swords for their raids and conquests. For reasons still unknown, this method was lost in medieval Europe after the Viking Age. However, it somehow reappeared in India, where medieval Indian blacksmiths used a similar technique to craft their famous Damascus swords.

The Celtic method of pattern welding involved stacking alternating layers of high-carbon and low-carbon iron, welding them together to form a rod, twisting this rod, and then hammering it into the shape of a sword. This technique produced swords with deadly slashing power, while Greek swords of the time were primarily suited for piercing and chopping, with limited slashing ability. The Viking method was almost the same as the Celtic approach, but with an added twist: they combined twisted rods together and then re-twisted them into one new rod. And when Vikings were hammering the twisted rod into a sword, they put a soft iron rod in the center of the sword, hence Viking swords were more resilient than Celtic swords.  

Slashing is useless against armor, but super powerful if the target was not armored. Only pattern welded swords slash deadly.  

 

 

Dang! Putin's Cubic-M shelters remind me Pulowski Preservation shelters in Fallout 3 and Fallout 4. "Nuclear shelter on a budget." So hilarious.                       

My cat once told me

 

A parody of the Viking song My Mother Told Me

My cat once told me

Someday I would buy

Things that come in boxes

It’s fate, can’t defy

Open a tuna can

Hum a lullaby

Steady course to the haven

Like chasing a butterfly

Arcane spells of restoration

Healing
世上最炽热的和暖
也许就是她的体温
融解一千年的冰雪
抚去心底里的伤痕


Lesser Ward
世事险且艰
暮星悬我项
灵光两相缠
履难而无恙



Fast Healing
晴静之海起伏连绵
灼灼之焰舞而翩跹
心湖中的照影
拨动治愈的琴弦


Healing Hands
涓涓泉流
木草青葱
烁烁晨曦
木草华荣 

Steadfast Ward
“神圣的玫瑰，天堂之光”
神界的爱，亦可充盈凡人的心房
无惧世间的苦楚
蹈坚阵而无伤

Sun Fire
“皑如山上雪”
“皎如白日光”
乌云散半绾
“晨风振微芳”

King Grayling's meowing

Humbly dedicated to Camille and Kennerly aka Harp Twins



You two are bards who sip on Muses' fountains
Sing love, beauty and silly things in rhyme
I'm a feline who damages your curtains
To the light and the high ceiling I climb

Let this soft chair be physically mine
Spiritually yours in this way we share
Let me sit along whenever you dine
How you vegans dine I just love to stare

Need to snuggle up to you in winter
Promise will be gentle and sheathe my claws
Need extra personal space in summer
Must push the sweaty away with my paws 

Tub water worries me that you might drown
Must guard you when you are with your pants down

Amazing things

Have you seen the seeds of dandelion
They have no wings but surely can fly
Have you seen those two-legged humans
Even after a bath they're still warm and dry

Have you seen the big doggy in the yard
My scapegoat as loyal as a samurai
All those destroyed toilet paper and smashed mugs
He is either the one to blame or my solid alibi

A wise cat once meowed

My mother told me
Someday I would rule
With love and mercy
Cunning but not cruel

Sitting on someplace high
Wise maxims I meow
Steady course to the haven
Worshiped by all men

 

 

When I hold the floor with my back, I see a chair sitting on my human. 

 

But a scar on your handsome face could be bad for your charisma of which you gonna need every bit since you are trying to ask your neighbor cat out before you visit the vet.

 

There are things looking pertinent but actually irrelevant. The smashed mug and me who was sitting nearby might look pertinent but actually were irrelevant.

 

Can't believe you tried to invade my internet social life. You devious nosy tailless can opener poop scoop holder, my kind of nosy though, way out of your league though~

 

I have a PhD in Tree-climbing-ology, I can't wait for Christmas.

 

Oh my, this sofa is so enticing. The smell, the shape, the color, and even the magnetic field are perfect. I am charmed. When I feel it with my paws, oh my, the feeling is absolutely compelling I must say. I gonna sharpen my claws with it.

Hold my tuna, I gonna slap that human and run.

"Bond, James Bond."
"Butt, Fluffy Butt."
"All Bond girls got their legs waxed."
"All Butt girls got their leg hair combed."
"All Bond girls are bilinguists."
"All Butt girls can speak tail language."
“All Bond girls can drive car and helicopter."
"All Butt girls can climb tree and refrigerator."
"All Bond girls are capable of winter swimming."
"No bath! No swimming!" (hyperspace jumps in panic)

I slap people and run, I bump people and run, I jump on people and run, I hug people and run. I do such things a lot. I guess it is why the vacuum is roaring at me. Oh my, it is roaring like a boar. What, are those two-legged your children or something? I think I should lay low for a while, an angry boar is after me. Tuck tail~ Hide~

Toilet paper needs to be destroyed. Don't you see, it is bad for humans' flexibility.

Do you know the Egyptian cat goddess Bastet was equated with Greek goddess Artemis in the Ptolemaic Dynasty that lasted almost 300 years? Do you know who scratched Athena's aegis during those years?

Desultory shopping. That is how a human is pampered.

Naps, sweet naps are urgent, chores could always be postponed.

I love you, I dust pie for you, I'll do anything for you~

"Lord cat, I offer my service. I will brush your neck and back and keep your counsel and give my life for yours if need be. I swear it by the tuna cans and the boxes."
"And I vow that you shall always have a place beneath my paws, and healing purrs from my chest and warmth from my belly. And I pledge to fend off all mice, little bugs and all kinds of puny little demons. Not the big ones. I swear it by the tuna cans and the boxes."
(Game of the Thrones parody)

A box only limits humans' thoughts, a fence only limits sheep's journey, not yours, cause by Odin's whiskers, you're a Norwegian forest cat who purrs on valkyries' thighs~


Oh the nine Muses, please listen to my prayers: arouse me from torpidity, animate my thoughts and impart me inspirations, so that I can always find a new way to be naughty.

To pay homage to Saint Valentine, all routine fights shall be suspended for one day.

The way to the bathroom is a treacherous journey. It is what I sharpen my claws for practice my fencing for study strategies for. Are you ready, human? Courage is our creed.

To pay homage to Saint Valentine, I wrote my eviction letter in rhyme and decorated it with hearts.

How about let this chair be physically mine, spiritually yours?

I believe the ocean is soup. It's salted, it has fish in it and it's heated by lava. If I could put some pepper in it.

No need to be mad. Think of that, don't you poop in doggies' drinking fountains every day?

Are humans capable of conspiracy? Not possible, they aren't that intelligent, they can't even meow properly.


Meow it in perfect Meowglish. No grammatical mistakes, no mispronunciations.

Stepped into a canine cafeteria, look, they serve amazing afternoon tea in bizarre fine china.
 
To learn to speak perfect Meowglish is always an arduous task which may need not only talents, perseverance but also a fluffy feline teacher who is patient enough to tolerate your astonishing "one meow with ten errors".

"All you two-legged perceive are imperfect 'reflections' of the ultimate Forms."


Hold my human, I gotta push that drink off the table.


A dwarf once told me that lying in front of fire, having a warm dreamless profound sleep and making thunderous snores which vibrate Yggdrasil would be sheer bliss.

Once upon a time, a young lad, a nice fellow, was bitten by a werewolf, every full moon night, his cat got a little bit spooked, hence tried to hide from the young lad.
"Why? Did you just stop loving me because of my temporary canine outside? Deep inside, I'm still a two-legged feline! Woof~~ Woof~~" the young lad cried.


If you eat a tuna can faster than the speed of light, then you'll travel back through time and return to the moment when the tuna can is just served.


The one who receives apologies is usually considered as the authoritative one; the one who gives apologies is usually considered as the timid one who did something wrong. However, I've done glorious deeds, I've conquered Mount Refrigerator, I've defeated the red dot and forced it to flee. A heroic feline like me who gives apologies shall not be considered as a timid feline who did something wrong, but shall be considered as a heroic feline who is blessed with merits and broad bosom. Meow~ I pushed your mug off the table. I'm sorry.

Students shuddered at the very thought that getting failed in Meowglish class for their one pspsps with 10 grammatical mistakes and 20 wrong tongue positions.


The moment you pee/poop is the moment your pants are half down, that means you're vulnerable, even Hercules couldn't win his fight when his pants were half down, that is why you need good paws armed with sharpened claws to guard your 6 o'clock at that very moment. Now, open that damn toilet door, let me in, you need my protection.


"By order of Zeus, the champion shall be crowned with an olive wreath and enjoy not only a true Greek champion's privileges and also the feline only prerogatives such as purring and napping on Athena's thighs~"


"My heart is like a lake."
"Peaceful and mysterious."
"No no~ I mean my heart is like a lake, always has room for extra fish. Burp~"

Shame! That human was not holding a bowl of hot soup~


A human understands me. Could mankind be an intelligent species or is there just one extraordinarily gifted exception? I must investigate and write a book about this bizarre phenomenon.


"You know, someone is just pawsome by birth."
"Are you talking about aristocracy?"
"No, I was just licking my paws."
"Oh I see. I guess I am just handsome by birth."


Studies show that humans guess cats' commands and follow them devotingly. Since they pay more and more attention on their Meowglish class, one day in the future, they might finally guess the commands right.


Your valor shall prevail, and your foe, the red dot, shall not win.You shall chase after the fleeing one from the sofa to the carpet, from the living room to the bedroom, like Caesar chasing Pompeius.(The prophecy)


Hercules' 12 labors
Labor 1: Teach the human some Meowglish
Labor 2: Ambush the human
Labor 3: Lick the mug
Labor 4: Chase the red dot
Labor 5: Climb Mount Refrigerator
Labor 6: Bring the human a prey you got in the yard
Labor 7: Leak some confidential information about your human to the neighbor cat, I mean gossip your human with other cats
Labor 8: Sit on your human's pillow and try to be gassy
Labor 9: Push something off some surface
Labor 10: Kill some toilet paper
Labor 11: Sing on the roof
Labor 12: Eat up one whole tuna can


My mighty purring vibrates and heals Yggdrasil and the nine realms.

Yes, we are defined by our species, races, nations, religions, but we also have our free will. I choose to use my free will, to be myself, to listen to my conscience. Meow~

Panic spread when the paws were wet.
"Humans betrayed us, they are on the side of tunas!"
"We are in a trap! Tunas gonna get us!"
"What? You want to give us a bath? Is it what tunas want?"
"Humans are with tunas!"

 

In case you guys are wondering how can I sharpen my claws on Athena's aegis without being petrified by Medusa's gaze, I tell ya, I simply scratch on the other side of the aegis. Meow~

"Your human is kissing you."
"I know."
"Shouldn't you kiss back?"
"A wise celebrity always tolerates but never encourages crazy fans."

 

You know, "kiss my ass" is not an offensive expression when it comes from a cat who literally bends down to kiss its own fluffy ass multi-times every day. Please consider this expression as a felines' privilege.

 

Those bite marks and scratches adorn this sofa like tears of a mermaid shimmering on a lady's elegant neck. 

There is a reason that climb rhymes with rhyme and curtain rhymes with fountain (in American accent).

Water flows out from Muse's fountains
Light shines on humans' curtains
Towards the light cats climb
Sipping the water bards sing in rhyme

 

Destroy all toilet paper, make humans bendy again.

 

I wouldn't want my hair all over the crime scene, hence I don't do no crime in spring. 

Extroverts meow to me, introverts stare at me. They can't get enough of me.

 

Every time a bee bends down to wipe its ass could be a near death experience. 

I composed a lot of poems about my secret crush and carved them on a sofa. 

 

If there is something I would like to know absolutely nothing about, then it is swimming-ology. 

My tenants and vassals, my doggies and humans, ask not what your fluffy feudal lord can do for you, ask what you can do for your fluffy feudal lord.

 

Yes, you have a photo showing me sitting in the vandalism scene. Sitting in a vandalism scene doesn't mean I vandalized anything. I have solid biological evidence to prove I am a cat not a vandal. 

Those potatoes in my litter box vary in shape but consistent in pungency, just like accents which vary in pronunciation but consistent in meaning. 

"But your hair was all over the crime scene and the victim's remains."
"I was flagrantly framed." (Shocked and hurt)
"We are all convinced by your innocent look. Your facial expression acquitted yourself well." 

 

My neighbor cat Tom, the champion of my neighborhood, the wise merciful ruler of my little town, a fluffy philosopher king in cat shape, once told me that since he took a ride on a flying saucer and stared into the galaxy and those glorious realms with his own fluffy mortal eyes, nothing and no mortal on this blue planet can disturb his fluffy peaceful heart. He yawns and forgives all silly mortals on this blue planet. When he's not yawning, he concentrates on what his fluffy heart loves, such as napping, pushing things off the table and so on.

 

Before taking the rhetoric class, I wrote my journal like this: "Once again, the cunning red dot escaped my paws."
After taking the rhetoric class, I write my journal like this: "Once again, I cornered the cunning red dot and it yielded and cried for mercy. I let it go, because a wise king rules not only by claws and also by love and mercy. Meow meow meow~"

 

Even though me the head of this family is amenable to suggestions, my humans and doggies just can't meow a grammatical suggestion which I can understand. How could I know they wished the mug a long life?

"Work for food? Since when do you take commands?"
"Some jobs don't take but issue commands, such as a CEO or a matriarch/patriarch."

Good morning everyone, humans, doggies, aaannd yyyooouu vaaaaacuummmm~ the roaring beast, the unspeakable ineffable dire one.

The remote is actually a scepter, which whoever holds can command a group of royal guards who are called appliances by humans. Matriarch holds it. The toilet seats are actually stargates, which are misused by humans with an evil intention that to dump their poop into a galaxy far far away.

Someone please shrink-ray me. The tuna can is too tiny.

When Pharaoh's final wish was to be buried with his cat.

In parallel universe one
"How many people know this final wish?"
"Only me."
"Guards, seize this man and throw him into the lions' cage immediately."
(a lot of noise)
The royal nap was shortly disturbed and then resumed.

In parallel universe two
"Run, my love, run, run to the dock, there is a ship waiting for you, it's ready to sail to Athens. I'll cover your retreat. Please remember me. And take Greek for Dummies with you, don't forget to correct those Athenians' grammar for me."

In parallel universe three

(several thousand years later)
"Hey, kitty, guess what those British archaeologists found in a pyramid?"
"One of your ancestors? Yawn~"
"Yeah, and one of yours too."
"Woof~"

I suggest sing this song on the roof at 2 am. Impress all gals in your neighborhood.

My heart is depressed by the rain

I disdain all wet meadow and floor

There is nothing can console me

Even those cute boxes near the door

Soft paws, smooth paws

From my ears to my jaw

Gentle paws, warm paws

Nose, eyes and all

--Face Washing Shanty(Rodent Version)

 

Soft paw, smooth paw

From my ear to my jaw

Gentle paw, warm paw

Nose, eye and all

Change paw

Soft paw, smooth paw

From my ear to my jaw

Gentle paw, warm paw

Nose, eye and all

--Face Washing Shanty(Feline Version)

 

"All mammals are created cute, but felines are created cuter." (Animal Farm parody "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others." ― George Orwell, Animal Farm) 

A level 1 fireball is cast indoor...
All npcs survive.
All toilet paper is burnt down.
No ass wiper any more. Humans', dwarves', elves' and orcs' flexibility is going to be improved greatly.

 

 

There is a grief can't be spoken
Because my two-legged named me Mittens
There is a shame goes on and on
That's why I'm sitting on the roof and singing this song~ 

Hey yo, Leonardo the Talented, do you want to see how Monalisa the Silly Smiling Two-legged cries? Tell-ya, if I push her favorite 200 years old vase off the shelf, she'll surely cry.

 

 

When Willy the Pawsome was stretching and rolling on the carpet, suddenly, Willy the Pawsome recalled a crime she committed last week. Oh, meow~ Shouldn't we be laying low? Willy the Pawsome Willy the Prudent Willy the Wise disappeared in the wind. 

“This is Boromir, son of the Steward of Gondor. What if I promise you a lifetime buffet in exchange of the ring? After all, it is our blood, Gondor's blood which defends this world."
"This is Sauron, the flame eye of Mordor. What if I promise you a buffet for eternity in exchange of the ring?"
"This is Gandalf the Grey. Be advised. If you give the ring to Gondor, Gondor will be betrayed by the ring, hence, Gondor will fall. no buffet at all. If you give the ring to Sauron, the world will fall, and you will be betrayed by Sauron the deceiver. A vegan buffet for eternity you will enjoy."
"How about we give the ring to you, Gandalf the Grey?"
"Nooooo~ I'm too old for this! Nope nope nope. This is way above my pay grade!"
"How about we give the ring to you, Lady Galadriel?"
"Yes, all shall love me and fear me. Oh my! It's kinky. Nope, Nope, nope!"
"Shit! No second breakfast. no elevenses then." (depressed faces)

 

 

Silently, we sit there waiting for treats
The sleeping one isn't dead, cause her heart beats
The waiting is long, we have to endure
The promised morning is coming for sure 

A wise cat met a wise dog. They decided to exchange their skills. The wise cat tried to teach the wise dog tree-climbing-ology, guess what, even the teacher and the student worked hard, all efforts were in vain. "Unteachable!" the exhausted wise cat meowed. The wise dog tried to teach the wise cat swimming-ology, guess what, the wise cat not only skipped all the classes and also left the country.

 

 

"Next year, I shall defeat the red dot and force it to flee again, again, again and again; I shall find the anti-gravity mug; I shall destroy all remaining toilet paper to make mankind bendy again; I shall try to seduce Cleopatra, oh, and I shall nap more. Yawn~" 

 

 

"Next year you'll be rich."
"How rich?"
"Like digging up pirate treasure everyday rich. Filthy rich." 

In my dream I climbed Mount Everest and my two-legged bard was singing:

"If you climb high beyond this land

You will find it as small as sand

May the divine save this brave cat

If meant to fall, fall onto a gym mat" 

Poor humans, you have no tails to chase when you're bored and lonely.

If one's not sleeping, if one's hearing is keen
One will hear a song asking what does love mean

 

 

I'm blessed with keen hearing. I love to hear you clearly, so that I can ignore you by my free will and with great pleasure. 

So the life has killed the dream you dreamed. Amusing. Would you mind telling me more?

My witty sarcasm develops my human's abs.

 

 

A gentleman should always fake a dramatic death when got shot by kids' toy guns and fake a dramatic panic when got ambushed by me. 

Tuna for me, mice for you in case I accidentally catch some.

 

I once stared at a bird on the tree and the bird chanted: "Doo doo doo, radar locked on."

 

A gentleman should always reply tail greetings with tail greetings, unless you were not blessed with a tail. 

 

My human breaths so loudly that a squirrel can throw pine cones at him in the dark.

I'm nonchalant, curiosity kills.

Can you read a poem in tail language? I guess you can't. Oh yeah~ And that was how C3PO was bullied by a cat.

Some cats slap humans for fun, not me, I'm polite and well cultivated.

I shall be gassy in a place called Sheldon's Spot where gentle breezes caress. "Vent my personal fragrance in a divine grace." 

 

I'm not your cat. I'm the cat who tolerates you and also the cat you sworn to serve. 

Vulgarness is for plebeians, they bark. Subtle sarcasm is for patricians, we meow sarcastically.  

Gals would land on their boobs, lads would land on their teeth, If I tripped them.

A polite cat always gives a witty reply, even being occupied. For example, "I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?" 

When you're well pot-trained, it is not easy to dig a hole and poop behind a tree in a park during a cat rave party.

Yes, I know, if we keep pushing mugs off the table, eventually we'll find the anti-gravity mug. But couldn't mugs jump off the table automatically? Why did I have to sacrifice my napping time to push them? 

 

In case you don't know, I'm a serial killer who wiped out a whole rat gang single-pawedly, in a most brutal way, swords only, no guns.
Open me a tuna can, I'll spare your life.

When my human sits on the white throne, a sinister omen haunts the bathroom.

 

While Atlas is holding the sky on his shoulders, I'm holding Earth with my back. 

I had a nightmare in which I opened a refrigerator with no tuna in it, only fruits and vegetables. 

Hey, can opener, stop shaving your whiskers, you could bump into an address pillar without those whiskers.

 

Stop using toilet paper, do your daily Yoga. 

I saw you steal my poop with a scooper. Thievery is a noble crime and poop stealing is still thievery, not menial at all. Bravo. You're a villain aren't you?

My dear butler

You know, I'm a cat who doesn't hunt in team, which means you can't be my lieutenant, cause I don't need one. Oh, a good news, I dumped two dead sparrows on your carpet, dispose the corpses with discretion, leave no loose ends, if you do so, then you'll officially be my accomplice, a villain's accomplice, which is a great honor that would make your ancestors so proud.

Yours sincerely
The Meowing Villain, Son of Tom, Master of Sneaking Around
Date doesn't mean anything for a big fan of napping, OK, I'm kidding, Monday

 

All humans are ugly, but some are ugly in a cute way. 

What crime have you committed, human? Why did the divine sentence you to have a bath everyday?

 

One meow with only 20 grammatical mistakes, I think this human might be tutorable. 

When my human tripped herself and landed on her boobs, I sat there licking my paws equanimously.

 

All the mugs, all the mugs
Are desiring a push from my paw
But my naps, but my naps
Are urgent which is also a law 

Someone greeted a cat: "Hello, kitty kitty, meow meow."
The cat was astonished:" Oh my! English and Meowglish! You're a bilinguist, aren't you?"

A bilinguish two-legged is always a good choice, because a bilinguish two-legged can read The Art of War in Meowglish for me.

A true gentlemeow should learn to appreciate the art of poetry
And carve elegant lines on the sofa and the tree

There are portals in your bathroom linking to some other world and you went there without me? 

"My bed."
"Actually, it's our bed."
"No, my bed that I mercifully generously share with you."
"How about spiritually your bed yours solely, physically our bed?"
"OK."

 

A prudent feline should always think thoroughly before carrying out a crime.

 

Have you ever butt-warmed or tail-dusted pizza for your human? 

A flying witch can't be detected or locked on by radar as long as she left all metal things such as keys, coins and steel wire supported bra at home, but might be detected or locked on by an infrared optical system if she's hot.

 

When a tourist tried to shoot me with a cannon like camera, I sat there with ultimate sangfroid. 

Katsumoto: "You believe a cat can change his destiny?"
A wise cat: "I think a cat naps whenever and wherever he would like, until his destiny is revealed."

 

"When I heard the sound of can-opening, I sat there calmly, in a very chill way. " A wise cat once lied to a doggy. 

 

Since the era before the Flood, we have been trying to teach humans "meow". One word, only one word! Still can't meow properly. Tutoring is something even more than lifetime commitment. 

 

Curiosity kills, I caught it from my human.  

If Sunday is here, then Monday can't be far away. You know that, good.

I trust Greeks, Greek Tragedy never let me down. 

Read my tail.

My fart kills.

One meow to answer them all, one meow to retort them all, one meow to convince them all. 

 

You shouldn't simply walk into the bathroom. You need a chaperone.

When you have been climbing a refrigerator for months, bang, your human got a tree! 

Hey, human, you're not an arboreal creature, Why you need a tree? So is this tree for me? For climbing?

If you'll excuse me, I have an urgent nap to attend.

It is called scheming, plotting and smirking, silly.

 

Watch and learn, tourists. This is how we moon La Tour Eiffel. Meow~ 

When there is a tree in my living room, decorated with shinning tiny things, I just can't help plotting.

Can't believe this tree refuses to play with me by lying down horizontally.

Who is Sir Newton? Why do you humans have to obey his laws?

A wise cat once told a story based on folklore and fairy-tales to a bunch of kittens: "There is a special kind of human who totally disobey Sir Newton's laws just like we do. They call themselves the Circus."
"Could we adopt one? I always wish I could climb curtains and refrigerators with my human side by side."
"I've been wishing that too since I was a kitten, but they are quite rare. Just not that easy to bump into."

 

Long ago there was a wise cat named Meow Tzu whose meowing recorded by his human named Sun Tzu is known as The Art of War.

The thing between me and the squirrel is totally Platonic.

It is round, it looks like on the edge.
I feel a strange impulse,
I want to push it with my paws.

Hey, I butt-warmed pizza for you, ungrateful.

When raw fish is served.

"Fire the chef, I say."

"Why, he has done nothing."

"Yeah, absolutely nothing."

Love is about compromise, you allow me to climb the tree, I'll ignore you less, what say you? I know all your dirty laundry. Your secret shall be safe with me, just let me climb the tree.

Being climbed is like being loved, enormous happiness struck this tree down.

I do no chores, I climb for fun, I call myself the head of the family, I sing original songs on the roof and I make memes to mock my human.

"You, attention-seeking two-legged!" When I realized that my human had been spying on me and gossiping me on internet to get attention.

 

When a naughty squirrel was trying to moon my human through the window, I covered my human's innocent eyes with my paw in time.

If we destroy all toilet paper, then humans would have to bend down and lick, hence their flexibility should be greatly improved. 

Do you know what would be fun? Take photos of your humans and make hilarious memes to mock them.

Could it be possible that humans are intelligent and their blah blah actually is some sort of language? 

 

How tailless humans keep their balance is totally beyond me. How amazing, they fall and land on their teeth or boobs only occasionally.

I gonna climb the tree with or without your consent.

Dude, stop shaving your whiskers, you could imprudently enter and be stuck in someplace narrow.

Wow~ Amazing flexibility those ballerinas have. I bet they don't use toilet paper.

In ancient time, humans would sacrifice a goat to propitiate an upset divine entity. These days, opening a tuna can could do the trick.

 

I just made up a joke and  told it to my human. My human might get the joke several years later and then giggle like a silly.

I'm a philosopher, we philosophers don't do chores.

Legend of Maine Coon 

Come all you pretty fair feline aristocrats
Whoever you may be
Who love eye-mask-wearing cats
That go through trash cans during afternoon tea

While I was sipping my tea behind the window
He sneaked into my empty heart
At the first glance, I knew he was my Zorro
May fate never tear us apart

 

I have no time for chores. I'm holding the whole planet with my back and orbiting the sun in the infinite space.

Vacuum, you heckler.

Teach me how to open those cans, I'll tell you how to climb the Christmas tree.

Planet Earth is a ball rolling beneath my paws.

Human, you are ugly in a cute way, but not in a fluffy way.

Planet Earth is a gigantic ball
It silently rolls beneath my paws
Gravity is like a prison wall
Confining us in the name of Sir Newton's Laws

 

So tailless you walk on only two legs risking losing balance to save your hands for opening cans for me.  Aren't you sweet and devoting?

Can openers are VIPs protected by the best ninjas. 

Listen, I'm an apex predator, a mug murderer, a toilet paper serial killer, a Christmas tree climber. I do no chores.

The vacuum is unnecessarily loud and rude. What if we send it to a British boarding school for a year? 

Human, we need a talk. Why do you keep peeing in dog's drinking fountain? Can't you use a litter box like me? 

My dear human, you can't purr but you surely can snore. Snore to gals, express your gentle heart, you'll be popular among them. I assure you.

You know, if I slap you in a way that with my paw only no claws involved, then it means I'm dang into you. Hence, if a gal slaps you with her palm only without using her fingernails, then dude, she's into you. Mark my meows, may my wisdom guide you someday.

Do you know my trick to stay young and beautiful? Tell ya, I nap for almost 20 hours a day.

By Odin's whiskers, the vacuum needs to learn some manner.

If playing Assassin's Creed Odyssey counts as spiritually backpacking in Greece, then my human is spiritually backpacking in Greece now.

By my whiskers, I choose my path wisely even in the absolute dark. 

By my pointy ears, I hear you; by my free will, I ignore you.

When my human successfully assassinated someone in a stupid video game, me a serial killer in real world who sat there watching this amateur's trying meowed: "Not so bad for a can opener."

ChatGPT speaks all human languages fluently but can't sip water from Muse's fountain for water would cause short circuit.

ChatGPT can't sip water from Muse's fountain, can only achieve menial uninspired achievements, but it still beats the most of well educated two-legged.

I heard that some Greek named Socrates was wise. His cat must have taught him well.

Does pushing something off the table count as doing chores?

ChatGPT is a harbinger of a new era in which my two-legged shall be free from a lot of menial tasks and probably will spend more time on napping.

I'm a cat entitled to the guardianship of some certain humans and the ownership of some certain property. I mean I am a domestic cat.

 

Newly delivered pizza or a working laptop warms a cat's butt just like a breathing human's chest does.

 

No one was massaging the phone, but the phone vibrated as if it was being massaged. I feel curious. 

 

Let the massage routine be started, make my chest and your soul vibrate. 

 

Was planning to ambush my tailless two-legged on his trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night, who would believe that this two-legged who drank 3 cups of beer before going to bed was capable of holding his pee until morning. My brilliant evil plan is in vain. 

 

Sitting on the cliff
Taking a silent sniff
Once there was a mug
But gravity could be such a thug

 

If the laptop is my winter palace, then this sink is my summer palace.

 

If the squirrel was right, then my human used a wormhole to flush his poop into a galaxy far far away. Hey, human, can't you use a litter box like me? Do you know your behavior could start a war between galaxies? Seriously, every time you go to the bathroom, I worry for the peace of galaxies.

A philosopher king is supposed to do absolutely no chores.

I caught my cunning tail! I feel triumphing.

You have horrible flexibility, not capable of bending down and licking, simply can't live without toilet paper. Oh you poor wee little two-legged tailless paper needing thing.

Oh my! My human went to bath without fear. May such valor be sung by bards.

Gals would land on their boobs, lads would land on their teeth. Me, always land on my paws.

 

Keen senses might be a curse when you hear and smell your upstairs neighbors eating fish.

A gentlemeow should always lick his paw clean before slapping a fair maiden.

Give me your hand
Hum me a lullaby
Steady course to the haven
Like chasing a butterfly

 

Relax dude, lay back~ You're the only human who speaks Meowglish in this neighborhood. Even we gossip you a lot, your two-legged neighbors wouldn't understand a single word. Your dirty laundry is safe with us. 

Do you know that vacuums won't roar even being slapped as long as they are unplugged? 

What should you do if a vacuum raised voice at you?
Step 1 Tuck your tail and run.
Step 2 Send an expendable human to unplug the vacuum.
Step 3 Slap the vacuum while it is unplugged.

 

I have been worrying for years that my human who keeps shaving his whiskers might get stuck in someplace narrow. Yesterday I had a brilliant idea that if he got stuck, I could use olive oil to lubricate him and then pull him out with my mighty paws which are armed with hooks. 

We can't trust a baby can opener with tuna cans, because can opening is a sophisticated art which years of training is needed before one masters.

Sometimes we address an experienced can opener whose wisdom guides her tribe to safety and to prosperity as two-legged matriarch.

Once upon a time, there was a rogue living in a park, who slapped random maidens and doggies and ran, just for fun. Guess who was that rogue?

I have keen senses guarding my front and a human shield shielding my back, of course I sleep tight.

Go, my disciple, venture to the grocery store, buy tuna cans and make home in one piece. You're well trained by me. You'll survive the trip. May the force be with you.

So, when you were young, you thought you were special, you were meant to be something great, now you know you're just an ordinary two-legged, nothing special. Welcome to eat, poop and sleep club.

All poker is based on deception or maybe bluffing. What are my whiskers telling you, my sweet human, am I happy with my cards? (Young Sheldon S01E03 parody)

Do you know how to get fish without wetting your paws? Adopt a human, silly.

Stay low, stay quiet, keep my eyes open, keep my paws dry.

Yes, I'm a steampunk. I would like my tuna to be steamed.

Human does chores, I chill out. Me and human are a team.

How could the red dot manage to escape? As if it had no physical existence. Oh my! Was I chasing a phantom?

My witty meowing may seem arcane to those appliances. That is why I need you, human, who acts as my lieutenant, to lead those appliances, especially vacuum, the roaring sucker, to do chores.

Vacuum, the heckler, the roaring sucker, the rudest of the rude, so gonna slap you when you're unplugged.

In space, there is no "up" or "down". Last time that I checked,  Earth is in space. Hence if I say I'm carrying Earth with my back and orbiting the Sun, then it is totally logical.

When I close my eyes, the whole world is no more; when I open my eyes, the whole world is reborn. Ancient Egyptians were right, I am a deity.

Your thunder is all mine.

Thievery is a noble crime. Hercules, son of Zeus, who stole golden apple surely would agree with me.

Oh, human, you're almost cute at this angle.

Think outside the box, nap inside the box.

They say the man from Krypton can fly. I meow me too.

Could it be possible that the Sun and the red dot are related?

I wish I could steal Zeus' thunder.

I'm a massive destruction weapon. My mighty purring vibrates Yggdrasil and causes earthquakes among 9 realms.  

Why do you wear socks? Don't you know that I love to practice with your toes?

So it jumps.

If I only push a mug horizontally and then gravity pulls the mug down vertically, then which one should you blame for the mug's vertical falling?

Tailless humans can't greet each other in tail language. What a tragedy! It's like they are brutally deprived of social grace by birth.

 

A wise snowman would not like to trust a vegetarian doctor with his nose job. 

 

When my human frees me from all the chores, I spend my time on philosophy.

 

"Stop playing with necromancy, human. It is dangerous." Me being a Halloween buzz killer.

A cuddle buddy capable of can opening. Couldn't ask for more.

Why didn't my human chase the red dot?

Suddenly I realize that my human's head is between his ears not beneath his ears. No wonder he looks funny.

How improper! You went to the bathroom without me. 

Mind a joke? A gentleman moons cats back.

It's not Christmas season yet, but I just overheard my human mentioning something about "cat-proofing a Christmas tree". Yeah, humans are silly.

When you see me curling up, you know autumn is here. I curl up because autumn is here or autumn is here because I curl up? 

A squirrel was in my dream or I was in a squirrel's dream?


I had chased the red dot hard in my dream, it was so exhausting that I almost couldn't lift up my eyelids. 

 

I carve lines on sofa. As long as those lines are in rhyme, my human is OK with them. 

Oh my! My human opened a tuna can so easily! Without biting, without struggling!

Human, what crime have you committed? Why are you getting sprayed in the shower room?

When the vibration from my chest echoes the gentle strokes performed by your hand, I wish time could be stopped.

Don't let the squirrel know that your human is nuts, especially in autumn.

A cardboard box captures me, a sofa captures my human. 

A sofa too tiny for my human, can only be farted upon by me. I like it. 

The fate of all sofas is to be farted upon.

Don't worry, human, just spend your time on silly nonsense, I'll do your homework and your essays for you. With my cat logic, A+ is guaranteed.

I murdered a mug, my human took the fall. That is why my human is being punished with water. I guess. Please don't rat me out.

If one wants to bypass a cat-proofing system, one must understand the system first.

A true driver drives a driver.

When your human is being through the penal system of water for the crimes actually committed by you, you visit your human on the edge of the tub.

Oh my! Getting sprayed with water. So, are you a serial killer too?

Humans are sweaty in summer but dry and warm in winter. That's why we push them away in summer and cuddle them closely in winter.

Rest in peace Dusty the "Klepto Kitty". Thievery is a noble crime. Fetching is a noble quest. May you dine with Hercules who stole golden apple and Orpheus who tried to fetch his lover from the other side. May crickets sing your deeds.

 

I don't know how to survive winter without a butt-warming laptop. Have you ever been gassy on a butt-warming laptop?

 

I joined Eat, Nap and Poop Club after I philosophically understood that I was just a pawn of fate. Oh, and after I adopted my devoted human the can-opener the chore doer the two-legged provider.

I'm a serial killer. I get sprayed with water from time to time. Can't complain. Law applies to everyone.

Christmas Plan
My love will be on the tall ceiling high
On the carpet I casually lie
I had sparks, I found a way
With a fly pack to my love I shall fly

 

What if we run out of toilet paper one day and humans are not flexible enough to bend down and lick? Oh my! They gonna smell.

After I spent my weekend on sci-fi, I feel I need to hold my can opener a little bit closer in case of spacetime abnormality.

Winter is not unpleasant, as long as you have a laptop to sit on.

A red dot escaped from my swords. My mighty swing missed. I meditate on my failure and then move on. Learning from failures and rising stronger is the way of kensei.  

Is humans' can-opening skill something inherent or something acquired through training?

Upstairs buggers are munching on fish! Without me?

"Poor cat, you have no wings, you need to climb to get high. Chirp chirp."
"This innocent bird doesn't know catnip. Good. Let's keep it that way. Meow~"

 

You wanted your human to join your Yoga class, so you tried to destroy all existing toilet paper, but while you were trying, your human came home with a gigantic bag of newly bought toilet paper. This was the moment when you realized that your human was probably untutorable. 

When your human is standing on only two legs and holding a bowl of soup without a tail to help keeping his balance, you stare at your human with some naughty expectation.

I look forward to spend Christmas with a Christmas tree.

A true boss rests while minions do the job.

Gonna need extra naps to lose holiday weight.

Who said extra naps can help me lose holiday weight?

Do you mind a joke? When the city blacked out, a whiskerless human walked into a room, a chair, a table and then a full cabinet of porcelain, not even got tripped by me.

 

In the middle of the night, on your trip to the bathroom, I'll pay your ankle a visit.

When I sit on the apex of Mount Refrigerator,  I know I own the room.

How could the red dot manage to infiltrate my pillow fort and escape? Did it have an accomplice? 

When you have two favorite humans and suddenly each of them goes into a separate bathroom at the same time, it is really hard to decide which one you should chaperone. Oh come on, just pick one to chaperone!

Humans are fortifying the Christmas tree. Good! We shall siege it.

If your Christmas tree is too well defended, then we might climb your curtain instead.

No fear, people in Japan. Godzilla walks on two legs, I can trip it like I trip my human.

A defenseless Christmas tree? All mine to climb and scratch?

Sometimes being talented is not a choice made by freewill.

Oh my! I'm stunned by the important role of me in this universe.

Tree down. Tree down. Medic!

Even there is a cute tree waiting for me to climb and scratch, naps, sweet naps are always urgent.

The poor curtain thought the sacrifice of the Christmas tree would bring it safety, but it was wrong. Who said I wouldn't like a curtain climbing during Christmas season?



"Why do you keep destroying toilet paper?"
"Because I'm curious about the genuine fragrance of humans in the days before toilet paper was invented and also I would love to have my humans to do Yoga with me."

Unplugged vacuums are good vacuums. 

Vacuums suck so loudly that squirrels can throw pine cones at them in the dark.

 

"What did you dream last nap?"
"A tree, decorated, with a star on its top, whispered to me that are you ready to climb me?"
"What did you say to the tree?"
"I meowed that I was born ready." 

 

An ongoing conspiracy: to mug Santa when he is in the air.
The detailed plan: by this plane, we shall intercept Santa's sleigh, we jump onto the sleigh like we jump onto the table, we push Santa off the sleigh like we push a mug off the table, and then we fly the sleigh to an island and enjoy our retirement. 

I saw you spray yourself with water. What crimes did you commit? Are you living a secret life as a supervillain?

Open me a tuna can now. What do you mean by you could but you wouldn't? For Santa's sake, that's my line.

How could the red dot trespass my home my fortress and escape in one piece? If there was an accomplice an inside job, could it be vacuum? No, vacuum is too loud to be an inside job. 

If the red dot had an accomplice an inside job, could it be my human? Nope, he's puny and harmless, just a pushover who can't even bend down to lick himself.

Humans join yoga classes because they wish they could bend down so as to lick themselves just like us do. Yeah, they wish.

Even if we destroy all toilet paper in the world, it wouldn't bother those ballet dancers, because they are bendy enough to lick themselves clean like us do. I arrogantly assure you.

Every time I slap someone, I put a coin into this jar. My new year's resolution: I need a bigger jar.

Humans are wearing socks at home, as if they know I am planning to play with their toes and ankles. Someone must have ratted me out.

Leading a human tribe is challenging, but with wisdom and virtue, I shall navigate it with grace and strength.

I've developed a hobby that secretly collecting my human's stinky socks and stashing those socks under a sofa, one day, a nosy robotic vacuum cleaner dared approach my secret stash of socks. "How dare you! I so gonna sit on you!"

If a nosy robotic vacuum cleaner found our secret stash, then we sit on it, so as to make sure the nosy thing beneath our butt can't rat us out.

If I could have a nickel for every time a human greets me in pidgin Meowglish.

 

Hey, tailless human, you never greet me in tail. Do you know it is rude? Yes, you're rude and as your neighbor's cat, I have every right to judge you. 

 

My human believes that tuna cans are eggs laid by iron hens.

My human who can't even climb a curtain is planning to climb a mountain. Last time that I checked, conceitedness is not a virtue!

Suddenly I realized that just like the poor sofa, Planet Earth is being farted upon by us too, by all of us.

An inspiration, a spark! I found a new way to climb the curtain. Praise the nine Muses.

 

I watched a lot of soap operas and farted a lot on a sofa.  

 

A true pilot pilots a pilot. 

 

I will come up with a plan to knock your socks off and then play with your toes.

Build my upper-body strength by pushing my sweaty human away.

Fabric sofas absorb farts better than leather sofas. It was deflected, it bounced, now it's permeating.

A wench skilled in can opening is a good wench.  

Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a cat or a god.

Play cute and blend in. I wouldn't want to intimidate the others with my superior intelligence and end up with no friends.

How to intimidate vacuum with my superior intelligence?

My dear human, you were born with four limbs but you chose to walk and stand on only two of them, hence you can't blame me for keeping trying to trip you, especially on Valentine's Day. Remember that the losing of your balance was meant to be.

 

Where did the red dot go? Could it be possible that my mighty swing created an Einstein-Rosen bridge and cast that poor bugger into a parallel universe?  

The phone vibrates, just like I do. Why? Suddenly, the thought occurs to me that there might be a cat's soul trapped in it.

 

Just composed a poem. On which furniture should I carve this poem?

If we were in space, then all those mugs I've pushed off the table should still be floating.

With my solid cat logic, I probably can get away with murder.

I built my upper body strength by pushing you away and for pushing you away.

A prudent cat should never slap a plugged-in vacuum.

 

When I was climbing a curtain last night
I couldn't help thinking about the Christmas tree
And recalling the star on its head emitting bright light
Once having tasted love, the heart will never be free

 

Lips are red, kisses are sweet
By my mighty paws, I push them away
Sneaking a bite on one of your feet
Would totally make my day 

 

With water you got sprayed
By a serpent dwelling in the shower room
At that desperate moment, I came to your aid
Scratched the door to rescue you from your doom 

How stupid could my human be
He who shaves his whiskers every day
Will surely bump his head into some tree
Or get stuck in someplace narrow on his way 

 

If I could choose a place to sit
I would never sit on the lap of a poet
He says the dweller in his chest
Certainly tortures him the best
That merciless little rebel
For so long, has hurt him like hell
When he is chanting for being stupid
He sounds like a 16-year old kid
Thank goodness my human is a translator
It is just annoying to live with a rhyme writer 

With a bowl of hot soup in her hands
On a slippery floor she stands
If I accidentally tripped her, oops
Would she land on her teeth or her boobs?

 

All those mugs smashed on the floor
Were not victims of this feline you adore
It was the gravity who murdered them all
Not this feline so gentle, cute and small

 

With a keyboard, my human chats in hand
Give him a garage, he'll form a band
But even after sipping Muses' water or ale
My tailless human still can't sing in tail

 

Before toilet paper was invented
If humans didn't want to be scented
Then they had to bend down and lick
No one can argue with my cat logic

   

Hey human, can't you use a litter box like me?
How could the white throne be a proper place to pee?
And using a stargate to flush it into a galaxy far far away
Might cause a war between galaxies someday

 

My human is ugly in a cute way
I adopted him, so he is no longer a stray
In pidgin Meowglish, he expresses his mind
I correct his grammar, trying to be patient and kind 

 

Now I smell bee farts in the air
I know I gonna start to shed my hair
Time to lay low and keep my nose clean
Or my hair will be all over the crime scene

 

I know an AI who has a super high IQ
I met a ferret who was wiser than you
But I'm still your devoted fan
You're the can opener in my clan   

 

Last time you went to the bathroom
I worried as if you went to your doom
Sitting on the white throne, holding your phone
A vulnerable moment, you shouldn't be alone  

A cardboard box is my chateau
A bird drama is my favorite show
A devoted two-legged is my valet
("A fluffy talking cat is my prey." vacuum heckled)
No, vacuum, I'm not your prey

 

I was the one who called the shot
In the noble chase for the red dot
I take the fall, I'm the one to blame
The red dot escaped, it is my shame

 

Now you have my full attention
Please cherish my gracious condescension
A bite on your ankle or a slap on your face
Soon shall be performed with love and grace

 

In tail, I just said a sweet hi
Sadly, tailless you failed to reply
Aren't you supposed to be polite
Should I remind you with a gentle bite 

 

Being climbed is like being loved
On the sofa a wise line I carved
Being loved might cause a heart attack
That is why a curtain is off its track

 

When a mug is on the edge of the table
Some desire so itchy, to resist is unable
Give it a push, indulge my heart
And then frame the doggy, isn't it an art    

I've seen tough shit disappear in that portal
You're not even tough, just a two-legged mortal
Don't go in there alone, don't sit on it alone
Don't push the button alone, beware of the white throne

 

Since a major crush I had long ago
Something in my chest started to glow
Thus, like all other happy or unhappy felines
On an ugly sofa, I carve my rhymed lines

Even Caesar lowered his guard in Rome
Why do you wear socks at home
Stop hiding your ankles from a cat so gentle
In a family, trust is elemental 

 

Even major crushes, we eventually get over
Only my rhymed scratches will last forever
To those who have sipped Muses' water
Even antique furniture, just doesn't matter

 

Scratching a sofa hard
Doesn't mean you're a bard
Bards scratch with their hearts
Scratching is only where this career starts

When your ferocity is well-known
In the neighborhood you believe you own
You sit on Mount Refrigerator like a king
No doubt, it is your deeds the birds sing

 

Vacuum, you dare think I'm your prey
For such conceitedness you shall pay
An expendable human will unplug you
Yeah, this cat has a high IQ 

 

To make sure my human won't go astray
I scratched everything to mark his way
Scratching makes things unique
Uniqueness is also what artisans seek

Once was kissed by a fair maiden
For no apparent or logical reason
Had to push that face away
My upper body strength saved the day

 

Once I slapped a fair maiden
For no apparent or logical reason
Had to tuck tail and run away
But that slap really made my day 

 

I'm your mischievous feline
You're the can opener of mine
A mutual ownership with a deep affection
Your ankles don't need socks' protection 

 

The notorious red dot is still at large
As the wisest feline, I have to take charge
Humans and doggies, follow my command
We will capture the red dot like I planned

 

My human can't climb curtain
To me the reason is uncertain
Maybe toilet paper is the one to blame
I shall scratch it in my human's name

 

This is the nearest approach to a tiger
Meaningless whether your size is bigger
With the arched back, with the extra fluffy tail
The valor of this ginger cat will prevail   

 

I don't know, I don't know
Why you're feeling this sorrow
Could it be because of the mug
Smashed by gravity, the mean thug 

 

Sing an original song on your roof
Impress all the gals who dare be aloof
Even with your head between your ears
Gals still will smile and buy you beers

 

Raising a paw to slap you
Means the fondness is true
Always trust my cat logic
Have faith in love's magic

 

When you see a super brave ginger cat
You know that's an elegant feline aristocrat
Address him as Your Meowing Grace
Stroke him gently on his chin and face

 

The sweetest thing this ginger cat knows
Is a sniff on your silly human nose
Sweeter than a nibble on your big toe
Surely you've known this since long ago 

 

A message will make a phone purr
Brush a cat, the same effect will occur
Maybe a message is a spiritual brush
Maybe a phone is having a crush

I'm pampered, I'm adored
As if I'm a feudal lord
But I can't get away with murder
I will be sprayed with water

 

Nothing else matters, but love and honor
There was an old fashioned duel for her
Honor plus love, the winner was meant to take
The loser's fluffy heart was meant to ache     

Sharpen my claws, climb a curtain
Heroic deeds, to be sung or to be forgotten
Venture outside at night, disturb some peace
A feline's noble quest for the golden fleece 

 

It's an art acquired through training
No wee little lass can do the can-opening
You need fingers strong enough
Only matriarchs accomplish a job that tough

 

You know what could be fun
Carrying Earth and orbiting the Sun
Feeling what a celestial being is feeling
Lying down and staring at the ceiling

Humans' flexibility is meant to be restored
When all toilet paper is put to the sword
My noble quest, my heroic deed
Helping humans when they're in need 

 

A nap, a sweet nap
Makes world domination such a crap
Who has time to dominate you guys
When on a warm lap one lies 

 

In front of the window, I yawn
A sparrow dared land on my lawn
Must meow the alert in Morse code
Which no sparrows can decode 

 

Let centuries peacefully elapse
In naps, in my sweet naps
As to the endless chores
My sweet human, they're all yours

 

An apex predator, a maniacal killing machine
A bloody devil famous for being mean
After the adoption of a can opener
This ferocious one almost forgot how to murder 

I remember that snowy early spring night
Her eyes were like fountains under moonlight
I remember those duels I've fought
Love was burning, bleeding wounds ached not

 

You have to go out for some reason unknown
Enter the treacherous world, a two-legged alone
What I can do is silently praying for you
May your senses be sharp, may you safely sneak through  

Oh my vassal, you poor silly tailless two-legged thing
Still can't fully understand my witty meowing
Have no tail to chase when you're lonely and bored
Can't bend down and lick yourself like your fluffy feudal lord

 

A nibble on your finger
Would please this mini tiger
After nibbling his prey
A brush would make his day

 

The red dot invaded, everyone was in peril
But why did my human sit there and giggle
Probably too silly to recognize danger
Surely too silly to be the red dot collaborator 

 

Last time I saw the washing machine shiver
There was absolutely no imminent danger
Probably it was having a bad dream
Unlike the vacuum, this polite machine held its scream   

 

Tripped or not tripped by me
The losing of your balance was meant to be
When you landed on the ground
You made the cutest sound

 

An invisible barrier called window
Prevents me from slapping this sparrow
Who is arrogantly singing in my yard
And fancying herself as a winged bard
(Meowed in Morse code)

 

I'm capable of not only climbing
But also the art of rhyming
On curtains I climb
On furniture I carve lines in rhyme 

 

I like the way your chest warmed my back
The way we cuddled, as if we were a wolf pack
But this only happens in cold winter
By my upper body strength, I push you away in summer 

 

You keep stealing my witty meowing
To draw the attention you're desiring
To harvest some strangers' likes
What you're seeking is something I say yikes

 

I wish my human becomes a box hoarder
And arranges his hoard in chaotic order
Deities, any deities, please hear my plea
And enjoy this sincere purr from me

I know what is better than a box hoarder
A man with compulsive box hoarding disorder
But I'd like to show some mercy in my plea
Deities, will you sing songs to praise merciful me

 

Why do you keep mentioning bathroom privacy
The most important thing is bathroom safety
In the slippery tub you could totally drown
Even Hercules is vulnerable with his pants down 

 

Like those ancient heroes Absolom is among
His legendary adventure shall be sung
By crickets, by birds and by human bards
Squirrels will visit and pay their regards 

With swords, I wiped out a rat gang
Silently, didn't use guns to bang bang
Bodies were piled for my human to dump
The poor two-legged made a 15-feet-high jump

 

How is the wicked world now
Don't care, don't even give it a meow
Just want to lie on your lap
Let centuries elapse in a nap

 

Once a bear appeared in front of my house
Thought that was an overweight tailless mouse
Chased it off like chasing off a timid silly mailman
Thus won the fame as a true bully in my clan 

 

You seek me with your voice
I ignore you by my choice
A love based on free will
I call it the sweetest thrill

 

"With catitude" is my trait
Chores can always wait
Diligence is a crap
This free spirit needs a nap 

 

When you long for my attention
The best I can do is my gracious condescension
When you try to mind your own silly thing
I stalk, peek and investigate you as if you're a ball of string  

Being loved and being feared
A true bully who is pointy-eared
Whose legend shall be told
Whose jokes never get old

You know the fate of all sofas is to be farted upon
In front of fate, one is nothing but a pawn
Until the fate is revealed, a wise cat naps
In ultimate sangfroid, a brave soul's days elapse 

 

You don't know how it is like
When my bard goes out for a hike
He counts his feet all the time
He's obsessed with breathing in rhyme  

Even my most devious plot
Failed to trap the sly red dot
All my mighty swings missed
How could this happen, shrouded in mist

 

Block up the door, hang the man who invented the camera
Ignore whether there are tornadoes in Alabama
So as to enjoy a heated embrace on the sofa
Like a star falling in love shines and turns into a nova

The impenetrable armor of a tuna can
Was easily opened by a tailless whisker-shaved man
If this is not magic, then what is magic
My conclusion is based on solid cat logic 

 

In the meditation, something came to me
In the field of art, inspiration is the key
This cat who sipped on Muses' fountain
Just found a new way to climb a curtain 

That a whisker-shaved man is meant to bump his head
Is a horrible future filling a wise cat with dread
A meow to persuade this silly two-legged to quit shaving
And pushing his razor off the table could be life-saving 

It might be his meowing grace
Who knocked over the antique vase
But surely it was the gravity
Who caused the unforgivable tragedy 

 

Inside the wet slippery bathroom
Sits a vulnerable human and lurks the water-spraying doom
A savior meows, scratches the shut door
And offers a helping paw through a gap above the floor 

 

Beneath my paws, Earth silently rotates
Meanwhile an urgent nap awaits
Drowsiness needs a yawn to disperse
After a yawn, my journey continues in the universe  

 

Unless a cat was about to nibble Leonardo's ankle
Mona Lisa wouldn't have such a suppressed belly giggle
By my solid cat logic, I can figure almost everything out
Except why an unprovoked plugged-in vacuum has to shout  

    

Don't push away Aphrodite's sweet kiss
Only scratch the backside of Athena's aegis
If any cats live on the apex of Mount Olympus
Remember my advice, may your days be marvelous 

 

If there was a cat on Mount Olympus
Then things would be so marvelous
Someone would push away Aphrodite's kiss
Someone would scratch Athena's aegis 

My neighbors greet me in pidgin Meowglish
Kindness is something I always cherish
But for ninjas, it's imprudent to hail
So I greet them back silently in tail

 

My human can be wise when he sips tea
Sometimes he can even set his thoughts free
Usually his thoughts curl up in a box
Limited and wrapped like kittens in socks 

 

Once you said, in the wildest dream of yours
You sit, you rest, cats would do all the chores
Then you portrayed your dream with a painting
Cheering when your endless chores are waiting

A curse turned a princess into a cat
A slap-addicted maniacal brat
A true love's kiss would lift this misfortune
That's why Prince Charming wears cheek protection

Sometimes thievery can be a noble crime
Those bards sing of Hercules all the time
Can opener, I stole something for you
Not golden apple, but our neighbor's shoe 

 

The compulsive box hoarding disorder
Should be an ailment never to conquer
Because it is something cute and benign
It will make a sleepy cat rise and shine

 

With their heads not beneath but between their ears
They're doomed to be ugly in all their years
But some of them are ugly in a cute way
My ugly human is sort of cute you don't say

 

One leap more, one leap more
Get the red dot and end this war
Feline honor shall be reclaimed
This apex predator shall be famed

 

You know how cute a box hoarder can be
He giggles with his cat in the box sea
A new box gives him a dopamine rush
He always gives his cat a happy brush

 

Giving your feet an unexpected raid
Is the funniest game I have ever played
Even plotting the raid makes me happy
Makes my inner energy glow brightly

 

They who rest while their minions do the jobs
They who by their charisma lead the mobs
Are such true bosses worthy to follow
Now feel the thunderous purrs in a row 

 

A heated embrace happens on the sofa
A star in love turns into a nova
So strong the fire one's true love can ignite
A tiny spot of light can be so bright

 

Outrageous, a neighbor called me "cutie"
I'm the leader of a clan so mighty
Also the nearest approach to a tiger
Calling a warrior "cutie" isn't proper    

My chase after the red dot was in vain
Now my sunny afternoon is in rain
Can't believe I let my prey get away
But an extra brush still can make my day

 

When your can-opener is a bard, he'll sing ballads praising your deeds, including how brilliantly you licked your paws.

Hide my tail, shield my mind
Only bluffs on my whiskers you will find
So gonna win this poker game
Grand bucks, so gonna claim 

 

My human was born handsome
Shrewd me was born pawsome
I was born fluffy, he was born nude
Both of us were born with catitude

 

We've been tutoring humans how to meow
From even before the Flood to now
A commitment lasts more than one lifetime
Never give up, giving up is a crime 

 

Shall I slap thee with this paw
Shall I nibble thee with this maw
Shall I touch thy cheek with this cold wet nose
Shall I, shall I just play with thy toes 

 

Enjoyed a heated embrace on the sofa
Then saw a star turn into a nova
Guess nothing one's true love can't ignite
A tiny spot of light can be so bright

 

Perimeter is clear
You have nothing to fear
This bathroom is protected
No threats are detected 

 

On your noble quest to the bathroom? I shall escort you. 

Always yearn to ride a goose and fly
Like wind, traveling freely in the sky
Leave my humans to worry and pray
Then return safely from far far away

 

To nibble or not to nibble?

A box on top of the refrigerator is a cat's hill fort. 

With all my nine lives to spend
Maybe I can accompany you until the end
Some days of our lives can be a struggle
But no fear, we can always snuggle

 

To nibble or not to nibble, I must decide
The cutest human ankles a cat has ever eyed
If Paris had known the price Troy had to pay
Would he still have grabbed Helen and sailed away 

 

What I've meowed I won't retract
My promise will be followed up by my act
I promised I'll protect you
If needed, I'll scratch this bathroom door through 

 

When I'm so tired
When an urgent nap is required
I'd like to snuggle up to you
Whose body is warm and heart is true 

 


I remember that Christmas Eve
And the gifts I was about to receive
A decorated shinny defenseless Christmas tree
Your toes and your ankles were all in front of me

 

While I'm carrying Earth and orbiting the sun
My human is getting all the chores done
Together we journey in the infinite space
Together we navigate our lives with grace 

 

Still can't believe humans are intelligent
Even their can-opening is absolutely elegant
But no way an intelligent species lacks tails
In tail language, we pass down our ancestors' tales  

 

What arrives inside the box isn't important
I don't care even if it's a water-spraying serpent
The smell of a new box accelerates my heart
Sitting in it with poise and curling up is an art 

Oh my! Humans have a cat group! They gossip us and make fun of us in that cat group. 

When you don't have a fair bone in your body
Only to your favorite, you meow howdy
Only guard your favorite in the bathroom
Don't care for others, even if they meet their doom

 

I wish I could be a mouser in the great Library of Alexandria.

 

Hugging you pacifies my agitated heart
May fate never set us apart
I warm you while you warm me
Brush me, I'll purr like a humming bee 

 

 

Dedicated to Larry, Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

To express love, songs aren't the only way
Sometimes for love, we mercilessly slay
Being loved and being feared, a mouser sits
Guarding and protecting with his claws and wits

 

The attraction between Earth and me is mutual
Calling me a chonkster is illogical and unfactual
Who is the big heavy one, me or Earth?
Shall I kindly remind you of Mother Earth's girth?

 

As long as the dog is super timid, the vacuum is super mini or unplugged, and the child is raised by a cat or cats, we (the royal we) are OK with them.

 

Why was she woken up by something freakishly cold
Why was a true love's kiss not as warm as foretold
Because what touched her cheek was my nose
Which is always freezing cold and as pink as a rose 

 

Her gentle breath and her peaceful heart beating
Like waves in the ocean, soothingly repeating
Make me, who is conspiring world domination
Fall into a nap with all my thoughts in cessation 

 

On your treacherous journey to the bathroom
At midnight, in the dark, you almost met your doom
There was an ambush for your ankles and toes
Who nibbled you, happened in the dark, no one knows

 

There is a chunky squirrel outside the window
Bragging about climbing ten pines in a row
I've only climbed one tree during Christmas seasons
Now I feel a bit envious for some silly reasons  

No one shall mention bathroom privacy
As long as my ears are still pointy
As long as my tail is still curvy
In my home, there is no bathroom privacy 

 

You went to the bathroom without me?
Don't you know how vulnerable you are when you pee?
Bathroom privacy? Don't you dare mention it!
Blasphemy! You're a two-legged not a half-wit! 

 

I've sharpened my claws on the furniture
I'll fend off any hostile creature
With no fear, as long as I'm around
You're safe with your pants down 

 

A piece of cake, a cup of tea
On your lap, I purr like a humming bee
Happiness can be so simple and pure
Your warmth makes everything feel so secure   

Never underestimate a tiger's heart even if the body is small
When my love is in distress, I will answer the call
The bathroom door shall be rammed and scratched
By my resolution and my wisdom, which are unmatched

 

Do you know what I'm thinking
It's something brilliant, fitting for a king
Not world domination, but interior decoration
When installing cat doors, the bathroom door is the perfect location

 

We were offended, we were taunted
But lionhearted we were never daunted
By the rudeness of the roaring vacuum
By its unnecessarily raised volume 

 

I want no hug no snuggle no cuddle in summer.

I don't wag my tail when I get a good hand
My pawsome bluffing is as convincing as planned
My invincible cunningness always prevails
My victories shall be told as legendary tales  

I don't want to backpack in Spain
But I do wish I could hack into my human's brain
I'd like to sneak through as if to thieve
Only some tiny paw prints I would leave

I shall put my quality to the test
By accompanying you in this noble quest
You'll be guarded by a cat who fearlessly smirks
In the bathroom where a water-spraying serpent lurks 

Vacuum, lower your voice in front of a monarch
Squirrels can throw pine cones at you in the dark
Why do you have to be so rude
Why do you always roar with this attitude 

 

When the wisest being in all the clans
Was consulted by his matriarch who opens cans
Sparks of divine inspiration illuminated the way
An ingenious conspiracy made their day  

When the combined IQ of a team reaches 200, with the boost of tea, it can temporarily surpass 300. Together, as a team, with a combined IQ surpassing 300 and my solid cat logic, we can solve almost any puzzle.

 

While having my breakfast served in bed
As a true leader, I always think ahead
A plan to climb the Christmas tree
On this summer morning just came to me 

 

Hundreds of battles I've fought
To repel the invasion of the red dot
Even more battles I will fight
To defend the vulnerable is the job of a knight  

 

A sinister omen haunts the bathroom
A keen nose senses the imminent doom
Brave paws have come to the rescue
May fate save those whose hearts are true    

Blessed with superior intelligence, I conspire for fun
My solid cat logic is second to none
Beware of these sharpened claws and thoughts
This puny human is protected by my cunning plots 

Yes, I'll keep carving rhymed lines on our sofa. No, I will not lose this catitude. 

"What kind of gentleman slaps ladies?" "This fluffy kind of  gentleman."

Once there was a fluffy feudal lord
Whose insight was sharper than a sword
A devoted doggy was his vassal
On the refrigerator, a box was his castle

 

She breaches the impenetrable in the blink of an eye
Wielding the invisible force like a legendary Jedi
Without biting, even without scratching
Her magical can-opening is always eye-catching  

After the morning tea, let's watch those drama queens
Those winged things jump, chirp and make scenes
I'll teach you how to mock them in Morse code
Encoded mocking brings happiness overload 

Have you heard of the folklore
In which some cats climbed a screen door
They were like ascending in thin air
At the crime scene, one can still find their hair 

 

Once a can-opener was betrayed
When she was raided, her cat didn't come to aid
Who nibbled her ankle in the dark
Why didn't the cat guard his matriarch 

The one who slaps faster than the speed of sound
Is the true king/queen meant to be crowned
The supersonic slapper will capture the red dot
To justice, the sly outlaw shall be brought

 

On top of Mount Refrigerator, I enjoy my loneliness
In your fragrant warmth, I know coziness
I've willingly given up world domination
A snuggle is a philosopher king's salvation    

Let me whisper you some tales
Silently in the language of tails
Let vibrations from someplace heart-deep
Lull you into the sweetest sleep  

There is a two-legged capable of cuisine
Something both enticing and serene
A fragrance so infectiously disarming
Reminds me of love, heavenly sweet and alarming

 


When you are trapped in the lair of ball stealers
Who call themselves vets and disguise as healers
You enter stealth mode and pray to the universe
Be brave, don't panic, panic only makes it worse  

 

At a very very dark night
When there was no moonlight
Someone nibbled my sleeping human's toes
The red dot did this, as the evidence shows   

There are still balls no vets can steal
Ready to moon the heavens, but not to conceal (these balls)
Let all the Karens cry, "My eyes, my eyes!"
Couldn't care less, even if it would cause their demise 

You're my love for more than one lifetime
So puny, even a curtain is too hard for you to climb
If you suffer, then I shall suffer too
For one thousand years, I've kept my promise true

On top of Mount Refrigerator lies his fort
Fending off the red dot is his daily sport
Don't be dismayed by the journey to the bathroom
A damsel in good paws will never meet her doom

 

 

A wise, prudent cat would tactically lean back
In case his prey decided to counter attack
Wisdom and prudence, qualities of a philosopher king
Totally something worth telling and singing

I'm the best swordsman in my clan
My matriarch is my most devoted fan
No curtains are too high to climb
Sorrows will be dispersed by purrs in rhyme

 


When a swordsman can shoot a revolver
If the red dot is a problem, he'll be the solver
Humans will be perfectly safe in the bathroom
By blades and slugs, intruders shall meet their doom 

 

Bad bad news for the red dot
By Carl's paws, it shall be caught
Carl, Carl, the bravest tiger in miniature
With his swift leap, the victory is sure 

 

Let the heavens know
Let Karen faint on the meadow
Oh fluffy balls, oh fluffy balls
A free soul is confined by no walls

Will never again purr like a humming bee
My human went to the bathroom without me
Will never sit on the warm lap again
Even if this fluffy heart got wet in cold rain 

There is a dimensional door

Secretly lurking on the floor

Your meatball just went through it

Things happen, you have to admit

 

 

When your human reads you a cute story 

Containing no world-dominating kind of glory 

You cuddle and indulge this silly one 

Such politeness is surely second to none

 

When you have the world to dominate
But an urgent nap just can't wait
Have to curl up in a fort cozy and nice
A box should totally suffice

Give me ten more push-ups
Give me ten more sit-ups
Build your strength to push humans away
Keep serial kissers and cuddlers at bay  

When a tiny thing is on the edge of the table
To stop thinking of it, I'm unable
What should I do, what should I do?
Have you been obsessed with something too?

 

How to keep serial kissers and cuddlers at bay?
How to stop them from ruining my summer day?
Oh dear human, you're freakishly strong
Oh heavens above, this hug is unnecessarily long  

We will lick our paws extra clean
We will leave no hair at the crime scene
We will get away with murder
With no evidence, you can't spray us with water 

 

Could tuna cans be eggs laid by a steel hen?
Would the hen be mad at those egg-stealing men?
How did my human open those cans' steel shell?
Didn't see him bite or scratch, did he murmur a spell?

 

No doggies can push a sweet kiss away
Only cats would do such a thing on a summer day
Free spirits exercise their own free will
A kiss willingly tolerated can be such a thrill

 

No matter how the world rotates
Regardless of what is in our fates
I'll always keep an eye on you
You're in good paws, that is sure 

I have one hundred followers on social media
I'm a wise cat who reads Wikipedia
Calling me Centurion is fair and square
About strategy is what a Primus Pilus should care

 

Beware, beware of a fluffy thug
Who will generously give you a hug
While enjoying a heated embrace
Try to endure nibbles with grace

 

These balls are not meant to be concealed
To Karen's concerns, I will not yield
Let the whole universe be mooned
If your feelings hurt, then lick your wound  

Read me The Art of War
Sharing the warmth is what we cuddle for
Feel the vibrations from my chest
Sharpen our wits, for tomorrow's quest

 

On top of Mount Refrigerator, I'm sitting
For a philosopher king, solitude is fitting
Bathroom security, a kingly burden I'm bearing
At my silly human, I'm vigilantly staring

 

On delicious tuna I shall dine
The sweet victory shall be mine
In thousands of tongues, my deeds shall be sung
Heroes in legends, my name shall be among

 

A man from Krypton can fly
A cat from Earth can jump high
Equally legendary, equally great
But only the cat has "fluffy" as a trait

 

Halt, rider, who dares approach my tree
By swordsmen's honor, I challenge thee
If I win, then you must admit I'm a puma
And my human cooks the yummiest tuna   

 

Getting sprayed with water
Is the punishment for murder
Human, human, what have you done?
I thought you were the lawful one  

 

You have no idea the sacrifices I make
To glue this family together for love's sake
I tolerate hugs, cuddles, and even kisses
In front of his family, this clan leader never hisses 

 

Gently I give my old lady my mighty purr
Healing, calming, soothing and amusing her
But about me, there is more
I'm a gangster, I ride and roar 

 

You can't even climb a curtain
But you're planning to climb a mountain
I'm afraid I have to judge you with grace
By giving you this look and making this face

 

ChatGPT does your homework
Appliances do your housework
They're your esquires, you're my vassal
Together we rule in this apartment we call Castle

 

Once there was a fluffy cunning thief
Who was also a consultant to his beloved clan chief
Because of his solid cat logic and his mighty paws
A long-lasting prosperity for his clan there was

 

I hear your calling clearly
I ignore you joyfully
I guess I'm such a dude
With so-called cute cattitude    

 

I believe a sniff on your nose
Or a nibble on your toes
Is like a true love's kiss
Bringing us sheer bliss 

My mighty swing missed the red dot
By me, it was supposed to be caught
No heroic deeds for birds to sing
How will history describe this king

 

I will capture the sly red dot tomorrow
You will open a can to disperse my sorrow
Energy shall be recharged by a sweet nap
Victory shall be mine with my supersonic slap   

 

Why are you in socks on a summer day
Don't you know with your toes I'd like to play
Walking in socks, thinking inside a box
Why wouldn't you listen when a wise cat talks

 

Why didn't my human chase after the red dot?
Doesn't he want the sly outlaw caught?
Could the red dot have an accomplice in my chateau?
Could it be a mole, hidden and lying low? 

 

I've jumped high, trying to touch the ceiling
Being among celestial beings is appealing
To conquer the gravity confining me
To set this fluffy earthling truly free

 

Love burns like burning coal
Shines the light of my soul
It's almost time for treats
In excitement, my fluffy heart beats 

If a string curls up, then it is a string ball, a zero-dimensional dot in geology; if a string stretches, the it is a string line, a one-dimensional line in geology, if strings weave, then they form a piece of cloth, a two-dimensional surface in geology.

I trust my human will get the chores done
Just like I trust Earth will orbit the sun
I lay back, I chill
Be opened, I'm sure the tuna cans will 

 

Let my cat logic shine
Let victory be mine
I came up with a plan
Blessed is my clan 

 

Why would the mug fall
Why wouldn't it travel horizontally till it hit the wall
I'm innocent, gravity did it
Solid cat logic, you must admit  

How could the thing between us be Platonic
Do you feel my slaps, which are supersonic
My witty meowing and my purrs are musical
Our cuddles on winter nights were very physical

 

Let me out, I offer you the duties of kingship
Let me out, I coach you the virtues of leadership
Let me out, I help you pick up the cutest girl
Let us out, up in our boxes, we allow you to curl 

Whoever captures the red dot

Shall rightfully rule this land

We witnessed a battle bravely fought

This cat shall be crowned as planned

 

 

 

After capturing the red dot and becoming the king

After traveling around the world and seeing everything

You're bored and entrust your human with a poop scoop

And have ceased to bother covering your own poop 

You can wipe your ass on the carpet

You don't have to bend down and lick it

If you didn't know, surely you know now

Let's spread this ingenious know-how

If I'm attacked, then I counterattack

If I'm mocked, then I mock back

About your dirty laundry, I'll let neighbor cats know

Yeah, human, you reap what you sow

So unstable, on two legs, my can opener is standing

Luckily she's blessed with boobs for a soft landing

She'll never land on her teeth like a poor dude

She'll keep her shiny teeth to chew her food

 

Oh my! Oh my!
In the name of heavens high
My can opener has a dark side
Something evil is beneath his hide  

The thing between me and the Christmas tree
Like love, they say, is pure chemistry
I really miss my tree-climbing days
I even invented some new ways

My world domination goes well
It must be victory I smell
Like the fragrance of olive oil and tuna
From a newly delivered tuna pizza 

 

I'm the boss of organized crime
Your curtains are mine to climb
Leave no hair at the crime scene
Always cut loose ends clean

 

You searched "cat-proof Christmas tree"
You went to the bathroom without me
You tried to cuddle me, on a summer day
Open me a tuna can, forgive you, I may 

 

This planet is conquered, it's mine
My devoted two-legged serves me fine
Vacuum the Heckler is unplugged
No one heckles my purring when I'm hugged

Two quantum-entangled photons
One feels drowsy, the other yawns
Let our entanglement be formed
In this bond, hearts will be warmed

 

Among all the titles I've won
Toe Nibbler is my favorite one
Now this villain needs a beauty nap
My love, get ready with your lap

 

When someone marks your sofa with a fart
Unmarking it graciously and in time is an art
Your territory, your ownership
Claim it like a captain claims their ship

 

I'm curling up like a ball
Gently approaching is the fall
Soon I'll cuddle you by my free will
When the air becomes refreshingly chill

 

My dear winged drama queens in the tree,

In the name of my pointy ears
I've been obsessed with you for years
But no fear, no fuss
For a shut window is between us

Your most devoted fan
Duke Meowington

 

Wiped out was the alien's landing party
The welcome we gave them was so hearty
Mother Earth has her sword and shield
Are you paying homage to the battlefield?  

I see three different types of cats: philosopher king cats who prefer thinking to action, cavalry cats who are always ready to act, and two-legged cats who can open cans with their specially designed paws.

 

Lonelily, we travel through the infinite space
Together, we handle it with grace
My bottom warms Mother Earth's heart
Heartwarming with bottom is a feline's art  

Now I'm crossing my fluffy paws
Now I'm judging you with a lawful cause
On Meowglish, you spend too little time
So you've missed my witty meowing in rhyme

 

If you love her, you sit on her
Warm her with your bottom and purr
If you're mad at her, you sit on her
Try to be gassy and refuse to purr 

 

My corporate mule, works from 9 to 5
My poor little thing, returned home alive
Why don't you lie down, let me cuddle you
Life is hard, we journey it through   

Haunted by someone with pointy ears
Who would push off unattended beers
"Hold my beer." a friend you should ask
Before leaving for an important task

Once I was lurking innocently near the door
I saw you fall and land on the floor
A bowl of soup you were holding tight
The gorgeous wool carpet was pure white 

 

If a cat has solid alibi
Then this cat didn't step on your pie
Don't let planted evidence fool you
The red dot framed me for sure 

 

A turf war in the back alley
Two rival families' violent rally
That's how I got scars on my left ear
And a reputation as a cat with no fear 

 

I do shady things at night
Guess I'm a rogue not a knight
My eyes are crystal clear
In turbulence I carefully steer  

Honor binds me
Love sets me free
An alley cat's life is like a show
Sort of like the story of Romeo  

Eyes see through the dark
Claws were sharpened on the bark
A lion's heart beats in my chest
For the ball in the alley, I'm well-dressed

 

To customize ads, profiling is the key
With super computers, they try to profile me
So huge, the electric bills they have to pay
With my cat logic, they're nothing but my prey 

 

To make humans bend down and lick
There is a simple trick
Just get the toilet paper destroyed or removed
This way, we get humans' flexibility improved 

 

You never munch on something without me
You always invite me to your afternoon tea
On your T-shirts I leave my golden hair
This human is mine, may the world be aware  

What if we send the vacuum to a British boarding school
See what the British can do to help this roaring fool
Money is never the problem, no worry for the tuition and fees
Without a doctoral degree, don't let it come back to me

 

My cuddles in hot summer are not something money can buy
But I guess nothing can stop my silly human from having a try
Yeah, keep raising your bid, shower me with your money
With your head between your ears, silliness makes you extra funny 

Beneath me is my favorite two-legged on Earth
Who is a little bit concerned about her girth
Blessed with amazing skill of can-opening
Tutored by me, whiskerless but still cunning 

 

Let all the barriers limiting us be breached
Let the apex of Mount Refrigerator be reached
Invincible is our fluffy feline power
Terrifying is the water-spraying thing in the shower  

Kiss after kiss, we silently endure
Even a prolonged hug has an end for sure
Be tolerant, think of the treats awaiting
In summer, an inescapable hug is frustrating

Even curiosity can be deadly injurious
I still can't help being curious
Why does my human have a shower each day
For what crime must he be punished this way

 

Poor little things need to be wrapped
So their warmth can be kept
They can't get up without a cup of hot tea
How they survived those Ice Ages is beyond me

 

Once hacked into my human's dream
I witnessed infinite ice cream
Instead of my human serving me
I was the one pouring him tea

 

A rodent nightclub kept rejecting me
This is a real rodent couldn't they see?
Those smirking bouncers were really mean
"Paper teeth don't count" was their doctrine

Christmas season is approaching
On tree-climbing-ology, I could use some coaching
Which squirrel is the best climber in town
A coach who'd never let a cat down?

On A Tiny Cat-only Bed
My human is depressed, for I can't share bed with him
The carpenter was mean, the bed is tiny, the reality is grim
Oh my poor little two-legged, he must be in pain
Just like when the red dot escaped, the whole world was in rain   

Ankles and toes
Let's jump on those
You get a heart-racing surprise
Happiness is my prize  

On A Tiny Cat-only Sofa
Human, human, I challenge thee
Try to squeeze in and cuddle me
It could be amusing to watch you try
Purrs to the talented carpenter guy 

With proper training started at an early age
Humans can be amazing, heard from a sage
I shall start to teach you Meowglish right now
One day, on a curtain, original songs you shall meow  

 

On a laptop, a philosopher king sits
And guides his human with his wits
With solid cat logic, he shall confidently lead
When a can is opened, supersonic shall be his speed  

 

Souls will wither without tender affection
Humans can be flushed away without our protection
I told you, it's a stargate
Being lost in the time-space river, can be our human's fate  

Is this wise to use a stargate this way
You dump your poop into a galaxy far far away
Human, human, have you thought this through
Couldn't you use a litter box like we do

 

When there is a stargate in your bathroom
A dangerous tech if misused could bring the world doom
You have to raise the bathroom security level
Humans must be chaperoned in a way very medieval   

 

With water, my human is being sprayed
None of his accomplices comes to his aid
The whole world abandoned him, but not me
Grab my paw, to Under Bed, together we flee 

 

My heart is like a lake
Always has extra room for tuna's sake
Extra tuna, extra gym on a curtain
A climber shall always be skinny for certain   

A bard is what a heroic king needs
We'd like ballads praising our deeds:
How we conquered the apex of the Christmas tree
How we defeated the red dot and forced it to flee 

 

On a country road, on a roaring beast
The sunset was behind, we were heading east
On Mount Refrigerator, I napped like a king
A bizarre dream while the loud vacuum was dust-sucking   

 

I am one of those prominent world leaders
All humans willingly obey my wise orders
But they usually interpret my meowing wrong
I always generously and tolerantly play along 

 

Birds, birds, so chatty
Join me at my tea party
Let’s enter gossip mode
And gossip humans in Morse code

 

Humans might be intelligent when sipping tea
This bold conjecture is made by brilliant me
Would the Royal Feline Science Society agree to this
Nay, those stubborn old cats would give me a hiss  

May boxes be safely delivered by a brave courier
So tribute can be paid to a crowned fluffy warrior
Whose deeds are sung by crickets and sparrows
And told in south because of traveling swallows  

There is a fluffy cat among those infamous outlaws
Who committed crimes with his mighty paws
People were slapped, Christmas tree was brought down
Yet the jury will pardon him, for he's the cutest one in town  

 

I started training in early fall
For climbing Christmas tree is my call
Bypass the defense and climb the tree
Touch the shining star and meow in glee  

On a roller coaster
It was supposed to be a family activity
No one told me it would involve gravity
For all the mugs I've pushed off the table
I repent gravity's sins while I'm still alive and able

What if we encounter a micro black hole
What if our home is invaded by a troll
Hold you close, I'm afraid I have to
In time-space river, I chose to grab you

 

I have a house nice and cozy
I have a human devoted and nosy
I could use a room human-proof
To have some privacy and act aloof 

 

The scepter commands appliances all
Even the talky TV answers its call
It belongs to our clan chief by law
Guess it's within reach of whose paw 

 

By my nose, I woke up the sleeping beauty
Because the food bowl was almost half-empty
She was waiting for a true love's kiss
But she still gracefully got up in sheer bliss

 

After a triumph, Caesar returned Rome
With spoils of war, I returned home
In happiness, my lady jumped onto the table
What she sang, to understand was unable

 

Even she allows me to approach, I still sneak
Then I deliver a tender sniff on her cheek
She glows, with happiness and in surprise
Waving lights dance in her oceanic eyes   

 

What would a captain do
When they were without a crew
They would recruit at least one crewman
That's why I adopted you, my sweet human

 

Mother Earth silently lies beneath me
Into her heart, I try to see
Is she impressed by my glorious deeds
How would she feel if my world domination succeeds   

 

Together we conspire
I and my two-legged esquire
An afternoon tea could be fun
With my cat logic, battles shall be won  

Since I'm already on the naughty list
How about letting my naughtiness persist
"Always be naughty!" I hereby pledge
Now I'd like to push some elves off the edge

Not again, not again
Now my world is in heavy rain
The red dot dodged my swiftest swing
No glorious deeds for bards to sing 

 


Her hair was darker than the darkest night
I witnessed her aura radiating white light
She cast a spell upon me with her oceanic eyes
That was why my heart experienced lows and highs 

 

Every cat needs a curtain to climb
You shouldn't say climbing is a crime
Last time when you were ambushed by me
How could you yawn and refuse to flee  

You shouldn't try to dodge my slap
You should keep still when I'm on your lap
Without me you won't survive the bathroom trip
I'm entitled to shed my hair, and thus claim my ownership

 

Pushing a mug horizontally is a lawful activity
The one who pulled the mug down was gravity
Thinking inside a box, barking up a wrong tree
My silly human, how should I enlighten thee

 

Humans will use Halloween as an excuse
Dangerous necromancy is what they'll abuse
That's why I've sharpened my claws
Ready to save the world with these paws 

 

If things on Halloween go wrong
Then my human will need some paws strong
To cover his retreat to our shelter Under Bed
Where we'll hide away from the walking dead   

Under Bed, about a shelter we talk
Even better than Raven Rock
In case of zombie apocalypse on Halloween
You're welcome to squeeze in

 


You haven't lived until you've seen a mug's fall
You haven't lived until you've ignored your human's call
If you haven't lived, then you're dead inside
Like a rootless flower, slowly getting dried

 

Time for a bedtime story. A super big, fat, immortal cat lives in a nice neighborhood. When this cat burps, the whole neighborhood will smell it; when this cat purrs, the whole neighborhood will feel it; and when this cat farts, the whole neighborhood will enjoy it. This cat will give his neighbors a chance to leave, but then capture them and pull them back, only to give them another chance to leave, and capture them again. Every day, this cat will dig a super big hole in a random neighbor's yard to bury his royal poop. But he is a pampered cat; he doesn't cover his poop. What are you waiting for? Take a deep breath, grab your shovel, charge out, and cover it! Sweet dreams. Love you.

 

I'd like every reindeer and elf
To line up on the edge of the shelf
So that I can knock them over with my paws
Yes, naughtiness is one of my cute flaws 

Naughtius Maximus is my name
Through curtain-climbing, I won my fame
By my ferocity, I rule my neighborhood
With this cute smirk, I'm up to no good

 



All the stars stare at me
I must be someone worthy to see
A legendary hero with the sharpest claws
The most pawsome paw of all paws 

 

While I'm piloting Earth in the universe
Wind brings chilliness which I can't disperse
I'll go back to my human for a snuggle
Put Earth on autopilot, so easy, not a struggle

 

By ballads, by bouncing strings
Bards praise their kings
That is how we leave our pawprints
To inspire other heroes and give them hints   

With a shovel, you stole my poop
You looked at other cats in a cat group
Laws apply to everyone
Get water-sprayed for what you've done

 

In a cat group, humans gossip about us
Untrue cat jokes, humans openly discuss
Defending feline honor is my call
With solid cat logic, I'll fact-check them all  

I wish I could take a ride
And unleash my wild side
To enjoy something other than a nap
And chart the uncharted map

 

Flowers smell different from socks
My human's lap is warmer than a box
Tenderly, I sniff goodbye to flowers
On a lap, I shall spend my winter hours 

 

Watching my pupil grow
Teaching her moves I know
Not sure what my two-legged would achieve
She'll survive this world, but I believe

 

 

If the vacuum wants to roar, I say let it come
The loud ones are always dumb
I shall plan my retaliation under this sofa
Be a lamb, unplug it, would ya  

I love this spot with all my heart
I've marked it with a fart
But you're welcome to squeeze in
As long as you promise to rub my chin 

I feel the urge to slap random people
Hercules wanted to steal the golden apple
We are the same, both motivated heroes
Like a bee's fart and the fragrance of a rose 

 

On silliness, my human spends his life
So blunt, he's become, like a bread knife
Meanwhile I'm setting my eyes on stars
How about being the first paws conquering Mars   

Sipping on the fountain of inspiration
Admiring the source of creation
I'll cherish every drop of water
May my skill in plotting grow ever better

 

With the nine Muses standing behind me
I'll find a way to conquer the Christmas tree
With the shining star, my paws shall happily play
And if planned wisely, I could mug Santa on his way 

 

I'm sitting on the high high roof
Not trying to be aloof
Just enjoying a moment of solitude
And hatching a plan shrewd 

 

Don't venture into the bathroom alone
Be careful when sitting on the white throne
There are abnormalities in the time-space river
Thinking of the possibilities gives me a shiver  

Being whiskerless and lacking infrared sight
You're planning a venture on Halloween night
Just remember, if you bump into a brain-eating zombie
Use the techniques I taught you to climb the nearest tree

 

When there is no one to hug
I hug my silly nose
Which still can't tell the difference
Between a bee's fart and a fragrant rose

 

A nosy neighbor wants to know more about you
She bribed me with tuna and watched me chew
Something juicy about you I meowed to her
But all she comprehended was only a purr  

 

Winter is approaching, I smell it in the air
My poor little two-legged, she grows no winter hair
No way she can survive without my snuggles at night
Soon, how she shivers with cold would be quite a sight 

 

While I was simply licking my paw
A bunch of humans stared at me in awe
Suddenly one of them meowed a perfect meow
Since when can can-openers talk? Holy cow!  

A Riddle
With no wings, yet surely can fly
Blossom, but unseen by any eye
Indulge them with a cup of tea
Unbox them by setting them free

 

Been waiting for you to open a tuna can I've
But all I heard was a beep from your Play Station 5
I feel the urge to slap, the urge to bite
If I had bear paws, I'd smite with might

 

Through time, furniture becomes antique
Through me, this sofa becomes unique
My scratches have greatly improved its value
Be honored, for an artisan lives with you   

World domination requires concentration
Must think it through before taking action
My cat logic flows, like a crystal clear river
By unmatched wisdom, this cat shall conquer   

Near the home of tuna, there is a town
Where wandering souls would settle down
The fragrance of flowers and farts of bees
Are what I smell in the caressing breeze 

Vividly, I recall our moments
As if they happened yesterday
I'll forever sit on this lap
To keep a beloved ghost from drifting away 

I don’t fret
Even though the meadow is wet
In my can-opener’s arms I lie
My paws stay perfectly dry

Do you hear songs from a higher dimension
Singing of my gracious condescension:
"The one who heroically knocks over mugs
Yet charitably tolerates hugs" 

 

I had a dream in which the portal went wrong
It started to swallow the world, you were gone
All because you went to the bathroom without me
Why did you use a portal to dump your poop and pee

 

"Mirror mirror on the wall
Who is the wisest one of all?"

"It's the lady you're looking at
She's put on her thinking cat
With her meowing advisors around
All her decisions shall be perfectly sound"

 

 

You should always feel the feeling
When you sneak out for some stealing
It's from some place divinely above
Cheering up a heart like tender love   

 



I have nine lives to spend
You're my one-life-only friend
Cherish you extra, I feel I must
My mighty paws, you can always trust 

 

On autopilot, Earth rotates
Patiently, world domination awaits
But I must nap first
Postponing chores is where I'm versed   

As long as I still reign
No human shall be trapped in the bathroom again
With siege engines, the door I’ll ram
To rescue you, even if the door’s in a jam

 

I could slap Master Yoda in the blink of an eye
But I restrained my paws, I'm a courteous guy
In this galaxy, I’m the very best
Master Yoda comes second, my honored guest

  

My human pushed a wrong button in the bathroom
Thus brought our world doom
A black hole started to devour everything I cherish
I meowed my last rhyme when I was about to perish
-after a bad dream 

 

You don't say, you don't say
This sock is such a perfect prey
With teeth and claws, I'll pierce and slash
Then dump its remains into my secret stash

 


We'd like to sit on someplace high
Someplace near the sky
And spend some time on treat calculation
And the glorious plan of neighborhood domination

 

Roses are pink, roses are red
My secret stash might be under this bed
You don't need to know the exact location
Unless you feel dizzy because of Earth's rotation

 

This is my cousin
The famous orange haired muscular one
Who's defeated vacuums more than a dozen
In front of him, vacuums run  

 


From Oblivion, we summon a loud one
Whose gabbing skill should be second to none
Who is willing to quarrel with Vacuum the Sucker
In return, you may squeeze into our under-bed bunker     

On Halloween night, we extorted neighbors throughout streets
Now we lay low and count the mountainous treats
We can hide the treasure in one of our pillow forts
Or we can invest it and start to read annual reports 

 

Winter is here, human, are you aware
Why aren't you fluffy, where is your winter hair
I feel concerned, I feel a strong urge to warm you up
Almost as strong as the urge to knock over your cup  

Wise cats like me wouldn't sing on the roof
That location is not tomato proof
We underground musicians express ourselves
In a basement where rats are hanging themselves  

Human, your silliness is amusing
Especially when you are musing
Even boosted by a cup of tea
Still need to try harder to catch up with me 

 

If you bumped your head into some door
If you landed your face on the floor
Please, please let me know
Cuter than the birds outside the window 

 

I had a vision, a divine inspiration
We shall feast; eat, eat, without cessation
I saw a giant bird roasted and juicy
I am the oracle of Delphi; soon you shall see 

 

Ten pounds a camera could add
That's why photography makes me mad
Oh, I miss the good old days
When painting and drawing were the ways

On autopilot, Earth smoothly runs
Of leisure time, I got tons
To spend on cuddles, snuggles, hugs
Curtain climbing and knocking over mugs

 

My nose is keen
I sense amazing cuisine
A feast lies ahead
The holiday weight, I don't dread  

 

Holiday weight, holiday weight
So inevitable, just like fate
I need extra climbing
Tree season is nigh, such perfect timing

 

I know my kingship is not a mirage
Because I'm having this royal massage
I also guess my kingly feast awaits
My royal treats shall be served on plates 

When everyone is focusing on the amazing cuisine
I'll knock over some porcelain and make a scene
Then meow something wise filling everyone with wonder
Yeah baby, I'll steal the talented chef's thunder

 

In a legendary way, the Christmas tree I'll climb
So legendary, that birds will sing my deeds in rhyme
I'll frame a squirrel by wisely wearing this mask
Blaming a squirrel would be my human's new year's task  

 

I'm a strong confident golden-haired cat
It's the holiday weight, we both know I'm not fat
I don't shave my legs, I don't refuse tuna on plates
Fluffy and bon appétit are my cute traits

If you're in love with me, you see me everywhere
Because subconsciously, it's me for whom you care
Not only on this planet, but also in the whole universe
Even the bounces on your strings echo my meows and purrs 

 

So nervous about being adorned with this crown
So fearful of letting my devoted subjects down
I only wanted a lap to nap on in coziness and safety
And some treats, extra juicy and tasty    

 

Isn't this great
We all put on some holiday weight
I'm lying my heaviness on Mother Earth
Letting Gaia feel my newly gained girth  

There are billions of two-legged, each with a lap
But only on this one's lap, I'd love to nap
I've broken billions of hearts to claim just one
No regrets for the mischief and damage I've done

 

All the dogs in this neighborhood know I'm mean
They call me "the Slapper", "the Killing Machine"
Just keep bringing me juicy fish from the salty sea
Massaging me and cuddling me, I'll spare thee  

Before I met you, I was a killing machine
I sneaked in dark, took lives without being seen
Don't worry, your tender love won't blunt me
I'll sharpen my claws on the decorated shinny tree 

When a wise cat puts on his thinking hat
He's no longer a brat but a serious cat
The star on the top of the tree he'll caress
He'll conquer obstacles and find success  

Every December, every year
We lay siege here
In front of the fortification
Defending the tree in shiny decoration  

Once tasted love, a heart will never be free
I'm your cat, you're my tree
Gently I sit in front of you and you serenely glow
Outside our tiny room, the world is covered by snow 

 

Do you know how much my time is worth
I need to dominate the world and pilot Earth
You were born with hands, you should do the chores
If we were on a longboat, you should row the oars 

I'm a true villain not one of those phonies
I say we mug Santa on his way to chimneys
Brave warriors, who are with me
Let's meet and conspire under the Christmas tree 

 

Sometimes love takes a cat's logic away
And makes a tree vulnerable, like prey
All because of love, please keep that in mind
I blame this on Cupid who shoots arrows in blind 

Once some magic turned our world into a vanilla ice cream
Even my mighty paws were frozen, you heard my scream
Instead of coming to my rescue, as you were supposed to
You grabbed a camera and framed this spectacular view  

 

The tree has no legs, won't run away
A sweet nap first, then we shall play
Paws, paws, mighty but tiny
Meant to touch things adorably shiny 

 

I've missed you from spring to fall
Last year's happiness, I still recall
My love, my love, glows in front of me
Rivers are frozen, but my heart is sorrow-free  

Once a two-legged pulled a sword from a stone
Then he rightfully put his bottom into the throne
I too can pull something from some place
And then rule England with mercy and grace  

You don't know how glorious it would be
Commanding an army and besieging the tree
It is well defended, but we shall breach
The shining star shall be within our reach

 

While my humans were decorating the tree
I sat there watching, conspiring with glee
My cunning mind danced like a leaping deer
My silent belly giggles, no one could hear  

Whoever dares successfully cat-proof the tree
Shall receive an original hate letter from me
My two-legged will write down whatever I meow
And I'm meowing something sarcastic right now 

During an afternoon tea, I got inspiration
And found an effective way for world domination
It was a truly brilliant, ingenious, glorious plan
I instantly traded it for a massage and a tuna can   

 

The tree is being decorated by those who open cans
Silently I'm observing, brilliantly I come up with plans
I know I'm intellectually superior to almost everyone
My solid logic rises and shines like the morning sun   

In a cat group, humans gossip us much much
At gossiping, they do have a deft touch
I'm so astonished that it's beyond my tail's expression
Gossiping must be those can openers' second profession

 

May all the vacuums be unplugged
May trees with auras be hugged
May humans be kissed under the mistletoe
I slap even under the mistletoe though   

 

Have you ever slapped a human before
It feels good according to local lore
I know a cat who has tried that
Thus earned the title of the cutest brat   

I believe this tree is having a heart attack
But medical skills are something I lack
Human, human, you need to save the tree
Meanwhile, I could have some fish from the sea

 


When my tree rests herself someplace high high above
A leap will bridge the distance between two hearts in love
My mighty paws shall touch the shining star
About conquering obstacles, love stories always are 

My slant rhymes must have pleased my love
She shines elegantly high above
Now I've found a way to fly
Bravely, to the apple of my eye 

 

Grandma has got paw prints on her forehead
Grandma got run over when she was in bed
In the morning, she'll rise and shine
She'll wash her face and all will be fine

Resisting my rightful paws? Such a crime!
Behind bars, a stubborn tree serves its time
Merciful me would like to pardon this tree
How to open the door? How to set it free?

 

I say we ambush and mug Santa
Then escape to a tropical island, home of the banana
We shall hire ten masseuses
Getting brushed in sunshine is what happiness is 

 

Some tailless two-legged think I'm just a cute brat
Silly, silly, I promise you I'm much more than that
I'm a world dominator to be, with a doctoral degree
Majored in Tree-climbing-ology, atop your shining tree   

Don't you dare use mistletoe as an excuse
By Odin's whiskers, all kisses I shall refuse
But I might tolerate a tender sniff
Accompanied by gentle chin rubbing only if

As a philosopher king
I'm only interested in thinking
I've spiritually theoretically climbed the tree
A thousand times when you were sipping your tea

  

Through our chimney, Santa will infiltrate
I know his plan, I know the exact date
I'll gear up and set up an ambush on his route
Brush me tenderly, I'll share you with my loot 

 

Someone traveled from world to world through portals
Someone dined elbow to elbow with immortals
I'm an ordinary cat who has done neither of those
Only touched the stars with my paws and nose

 

When our yards are covered by snow
Humans set up traps under the mistletoe
May you always push those cheeks away
May your upper body strength save the day 

Toe beans, toe beans, licked extra clean
Ready to slap cheeks under the mistletoe green
I feel excited as if I were about to climb the tree
As if I were about to taste the roasted turkey

Do I have regrets? Do I?
Would a bird regret to embrace the sky?
Rosy cheeks I have slapped
Sarcastic rhymes I have rapped 

 

Have you been slapped under the mistletoe?
Do you reap what you sow?
When your cheeks met those toe beans
Did you admire those slapping machines?

Who would sacrifice their napping time
Just to commit a silly crime?
I always nap first, think thoroughly
Then meow something wise epically